David Bruce: Ben Jonson's THE ALCHEMIST: A Retelling (Free PDF)

 Ben Jonson's THE ALCHEMIST: A Retelling (Free PDF)

Ben Jonson’s

The Alchemist:

A Retelling

 

David Bruce

 

 

DEDICATED TO MOM AND DAD

 

Copyright 2017 by Bruce D. Bruce

 

Educate Yourself

Read Like A Wolf Eats

Feel Free to Give This Book to Anyone Free of Charge

Be Excellent to Each Other

Do you know a language other than English? If you do, I give you permission to translate this book, copyright your translation, publish or self-publish it, and keep all the royalties for yourself. (Do give me credit, of course, for the original retelling.)

I would like to see my retellings of classic literature used in schools. Teachers need not actually teach my retellings. Teachers are welcome to give students copies of my eBooks as background material. For example, if they are teaching Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey, teachers are welcome to give students copies of my Virgil’s Aeneid:A Retelling in Prose and tell students, “Here’s another ancient epic you may want to read in your spare time.”

Books Then, Books Now, Books Forever

 

 

I would like to see my retellings of classic literature used in schools, so I give permission to the country of Finland (and all other countries) to buy one copy of this eBook and give copies to all students forever. I also give permission to the state of Texas (and all other states) to buy one copy of this eBook and give copies to all students forever. I also give permission to all teachers to buy one copy of this eBook and give copies to all students forever.

Teachers need not actually teach my retellings. Teachers are welcome to give students copies of my eBooks as background material. For example, if they are teaching Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey, teachers are welcome to give students copies of my Virgil’s Aeneid: A Retelling in Prose and tell students, “Here’s another ancient epic you may want to read in your spare time.”

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Cast of Characters                                                           1

Argument                                                                         5

Prologue                                                                            7

Chapter 1                                                                        10

Chapter 2                                                                        55

Chapter 3                                                                      118

Chapter 4                                                                      160

Chapter 5                                                                      223

Appendix A: Notes                                                       264

Appendix B: Fair Use                                                  289

Appendix C: About the Author                                  290

Appendix D: Some Books by David Bruce                291

CAST OF CHARACTERS

THE CON ARTISTS

Subtle: The alchemist. The word “subtle” used to mean cunning in a crafty and/or deceitful way. It also meant devious and underhand. Subtle is an older man.

Face: The housekeeper, Lovewit’s Jeremy the butler. The housekeeper is the person in charge of taking care of the house. While the owner of the house is away, Face takes care of it; he is a house-sitter. During most of the play, he is known as Captain Face because he often wears a Captain’s uniform in order to con people. He is also known as Lungs because he supposedly manages the bellows in the alchemical laboratory. As you can tell, he wears many faces; he is also double-faced. Face is bearded for most of the play.

Doll Common: The co-conspirator of Subtle and Face. She is a prostitute, a doll who is common to all and who will sleep with men for money or other materialistic advantage. “Doll” is a nickname for “Dorothy.”

THE MASTER

Lovewit: The owner of the house in which Subtle sets up his work. He appreciates the wit, aka intelligence, of his servant Jeremy the butler, who is intelligent enough to get himself out of trouble by enriching his employer. In this society, bosses are called “Master.” Lovewit is an older man.

THE VICTIMS

Dapper: A lawyer’s clerk. He wants Subtle to help him win in gambling by giving him a familiar spirit. (Witches have familiar spirits; usually, they take the form of an animal or a fly.) Apparently, Dapper wears dapper clothing and is a clean, neat person.

Abel Drugger: A tobacco merchant. He wants Subtle to assist him through magic in setting up a new, successful tobacco shop. “Nab” is a nickname for Abel.

Sir Epicure Mammon: A Knight. He wants Subtle’s help to become very wealthy. “Mammon” is a negative word for money and wealth, which can have an evil influence on human beings and can be an object of worship — the word “worship” means “adoration.” An Epicurean is a person who devotes himself to sensual pleasure. The ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus was an atheist and a materialist.

Tribulation Wholesome: A pastor of Amsterdam. Both Tribulation Wholesome and Ananias, who are called the brethren in the play, are Anabaptists. Anabaptists were commonly regarded as members of an extremist sect of Puritanism.

Ananias: A deacon, colleague of Tribulation Wholesome. These religious brothers want Subtle’s help in getting money to help establish Anabaptism in Britain.

Kastril: The angry boy, recently come into an inheritance. He wants Subtle to teach him the protocol for quarreling. A kestrel is a small falcon. While hunting, it hovers in the air with rapidly beating wings. Kastril wants to be a roaring boy, a well-born boy who quarrels with other well-born boys. “Coistrel” is an archaic word for a troublemaker.

Dame Pliant: A widow, sister of Kastril. She wants to know her fortune in marriage. Dame Pliant is compliant.

A CLEAR-SIGHTED MAN

Pertinax Surly: A gamester, aka gambler. He sees through the deceptions. The Latin word pertinax means stubborn, obstinate, resisting, unyielding, firm. By the way, Pertinax (1 August 126 – 28 March 193) was a Roman Emperor who unsuccessfully tried to implement many reforms.

MINOR CHARACTERS

Neighbors, Police Officers, Attendants.

SCENE 

The action takes place in Lovewit’s house in London and on the street outside, while he is mostly away in the country.

UNITY OF ACTION, TIME, AND PLACE

Ben Jonson’s play has one main plot, with no subplots.

Ben Jonson’s play takes place within one day.

Ben Jonson’s play takes place in one location.

FIRST PERFORMED

Ben Jonson’s play was first performed in 1610. The years 1609 and 1610 were plague years in London.

A NOTE ON SUBTLE

The serpent of the Garden of Eden was subtle.

Genesis 3:1 — King James Version (KJV)

Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

Relevant Bible Quotations

1 Timothy 6:10 — King James Version (KJV)

10 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

Matthew 6:21 — King James Version (KJV)

21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Ecclesiastes 5:10 — King James Version (KJV)

10 He that loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver; nor he that loveth abundance with increase: this is also vanity.

Matthew 6:41 — King James Version (KJV)

 41 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

 

 

ARGUMENT

 

The sickness hot, a master quit, for fear,

His house in town, and left one servant there;

Ease him corrupted, and gave means to know

 

A cheater, and his punk; who now brought low, 

Leaving their narrow practice, were become


Cozeners at large; and only wanting some


House to set up, with him they here contract, 

Each for a share, and all begin to act. 

Much company they draw, and much abuse,


In casting figures, telling fortunes, news,


Selling of flies, flat bawdry with the stone, 

Till it, and they, and all in fume are gone. 

 

“In fume” is Latin for “in smoke.”

The “argument” is the plot in brief of a play or other work of art. Ben Jonson, clever man whom he was, made the argument of his play The Alchemist an acrostic: The first letter of each line spells out “THE ALCHEMIST.”

In modern English, this is the “argument” of The Alchemist:

When the plague was raging in London, the master of a house left London out of fear of catching the plague. He left behind one servant; this servant, left on his own, became corrupted through lack of an overseer, and he became acquainted with a con man and his prostitute. These two were at a low position on the Wheel of Fortune, and so they were branching away from their small-scale illegal activities and were becoming swindlers on a greater scale. To help them engage in their illegal activities, they needed a house to set up shop in, and so they made an agreement with the servant: They would act in concert to cheat suckers and then share equally in the spoils — one third to each of the three. They were able to draw many suckers to the house, and they were able to cheat and abuse them by doing such things as making and selling horoscopes, telling fortunes and gossip, selling familiar spirits of the kind that are aides to witches, and selling immorality such as prostitution, along with pretending to create a philosopher’s stone, which believers supposed to be able to turn base metals such as iron and lead into silver and gold. The three con artists engaged in such swindling until their supposed philosopher’s stone, and they themselves, and everything else went up in smoke.

 

 

 

 

PROLOGUE

For the few short hours it takes to read this book, the authors — Ben Jonson and David Bruce — wish away Lady Fortune, who favors fools, both for the sakes of you judging readers and for our sakes. We desire, in the place of the dumb luck of non-deserving celebrities who are rich and famous simply because they are rich and famous without having done anything (other than perhaps a sex tape) to deserve such wealth and fame, to find that you believe that the authors deserve the justice of a careful reading of this book and to find that you will show grace to this book.

The scene of our book is London because we would make known to all of you that no country causes mirth and is laughed at more than our own — Ben Jonson was born, lived, and died in London, while David Bruce is an Anglophile. 

No region breeds better material for writing. London provides whores, bawds, pimps, impostors, and many more types of persons, whose chief characteristics, which were once called humors, feed the actors on the stage and the ink on the pages between book covers and the electrons on computer screens and eBook readers, and which have always been subject to the rage or the spite of comic writers. 

We, the wielders of a pen and of a computer keyboard, have never aimed to afflict men, both those with and without wombs, but instead we have always aimed to better and improve men and womb-men. 

However, the ages we lived or live in endure the vices that those ages — and all ages — breed, rather than to endure their cure.

But when the wholesome remedies are sweet, and in their working gain and profit meet, we authors hope to find no spirit so much diseased,
 but that it will with such fair corrective medicine be pleased. In other words, satire is funny medicine that can make a belly laugh and a brain think and a character reform.

We authors are not afraid that you will get to know our characters and think, Hey, I know people just like that! In fact, that’s what we want to happen. It would be even better if you were to think, Hey, I’m just like that!

Are any of you readers willing to sit so near to the stream that you can see what’s in it? (These days, sewage no longer runs in the streets, but how many sewage treatment plants dump sewage into a river near you?)

If you are willing to look carefully, you shall find things that you would think or wish were finished and over and done. Those things are very natural follies, but we will show them to you in the pages of this book, which is a safe place where even if you recognize that you do the same foolish things, yet you need not admit that to anyone else — or to yourself.

People may no longer believe in the philosopher’s stone or the Queen of Fairy, but the love of money is still very much with us.

By the way, although it is true that no region other than London and England breeds better material for writing, it has at least two close runners-up: Ireland and the United States of America.

When Jonathan Swift died, he left £10,000 to be used for the founding of an Irish Hospital for Idiots and Lunatics. That was his final joke. As he had written earlier: 

“He gave the little wealth he had

“To build a house for fools and mad [insane],

“And shew’d [showed] by one satiric touch,

“No nation wanted [needed] it so much.”

And as everyone knows, the United States of America is so arrogant that it ignores the existence of Canada, Mexico, Central America, and South America and calls itself “America” instead of “USAmerica.”

But let us be fair to USAmericans: Many of them don’t know that such places as Central America and South America exist.

CHAPTER 1

— 1.1 —

In the year 1610, Face and Subtle were in the midst of an argument in a room in Lovewit’s house. Subtle was arguing that he deserved a bigger share of the profits, and Face was strenuously objecting. Face, who had a notable beard, was wearing a Captain’s uniform, and he had drawn his sword. Subtle was carrying a vial of liquid. A worried Doll Common was also in the room.

Face threatened, “Believe it, I will.”

Subtle responded, “Do your worst. I fart at you.”

He turned around, bent over, and farted.

Doll, worried that passersby would hear the argument, said, “Have you lost your wits? Why, gentlemen! For the love of —”

Ignoring Doll, Face said to Subtle, “Sirrah, I’ll strip you —”

He was using “Sirrah” as an insult. It was a term used by a person of high social rank to address a man of low social rank.

Subtle said, “So you can do what? Lick the figs sticking out of my —”

Face interrupted before Subtle could end his question with the word “ass.” Figs are hemorrhoids.

Face said, “Rogue, rogue, I want you to get out and stop all of your cons.”

Doll said, “No. Look, Sovereign. Look, General. Are you madmen?”

Wanting the two men to stop quarreling, she had given them high and mighty titles.

Subtle said to Face, “Oh, let the wild sheep loose.”

“Mutton” is a slang word for a prostitute. Face had grabbed hold of Doll, who was standing in between the two men in an attempt to keep them from physically fighting. “Wild” means “licentious.”

Subtle continued talking to Face, “I’ll gum your silks with good strong water, if you come near me.”

The silks were fancy clothing, and the strong water was the acid in the vial that Subtle was carrying. He was threatening to throw acid on Face’s clothing and ruin it.

Doll said, “Will you have the neighbors hear you? Will you ruin everything? Do you want everyone to know what we are up to?

“Listen! I hear somebody.”

Face began, “Sirrah —”

Subtle interrupted, “I shall mar all that the tailor has made, if you approach me.”

A tailor-made man is quite different from a self-made man. The clothing of a tailor-made man is worth more than the man wearing the clothing.

Face said, “You most notorious whelp — you pup! You insolent slave! Do you dare to do that?”

“Yes, indeed. Indeed, yes.”

Face said, “Why, who do you think I am, my mongrel! Don’t you know who I am?”

“I’ll tell you who you are,” Subtle said, “since you yourself don’t know who you are.”

Face said, “Speak lower, rogue. Don’t yell.” He did not like what he was hearing.

Subtle said, “Yes, you were once (the time is not long past) the good, honest, plain, livery-three-pound-thrum, who kept your master’s house here in the Blackfriars district during the vacations — the periods of time when the law courts are not active, and fashionable people leave London.”

He was calling Face a lowly and low-paid servant. Livery is the distinctive clothing a servant wears. Three pounds was Face’s annual salary. Thrum is poor-quality cloth — which Face’s livery was made of.

Face said, “Must you be so loud?” He did not like what he was hearing.

Subtle said, “Since then, by my means, you have been transformed into a suburb-Captain.”

Subtle had gotten a Captain’s uniform for Face to assist him in playing his part in the cons they were attempting to pull off. Face, of course, could not pass as a Captain in the army, but in the suburbs — the disreputable places outside the city — he could very well pass as a Captain.

Face said, “By your means, Doctor Dog!”

Alchemists would combine sulphur (thought of as male) and quicksilver (thought of as female). The combining was sometimes referred to as the copulation of dog and bitch.

Subtle said, “Within man’s memory, I have done all this I speak of.”

“Within man’s memory” means “You ought not to have forgotten this.”

Face said, “Why, I ask you: Have I been countenanced by you, or you by me?”

The word “countenance” is a verb meaning “support,” but Face was also punning on its meaning as a noun meaning “face.” Both Face and Subtle had helped each other to put on false “faces” that would help them to con people. Both were helping the other to put on a front.

Face added, “Do but recollect, sir, where I first met you.”

“I do not hear well,” Subtle said. He did not like what he was hearing. 

Possibly, Face was trying to keep his voice low in an attempt to keep anyone outside the house from hearing the argument. (People came to the house and waited outside until they were admitted.) But if Subtle had previously been convicted of crimes, his ears could have been cut off and the loss of the shells of his ears could interfere with his hearing whispers. Subtle could possibly be wearing a headpiece that would hide his mutilation.

“Not when you hear what I have to say, I think,” Face said. “But I shall remind you, sir, of where I first met you — at Pie Corner, taking your meal of steam in from cooks’ stalls.”

Pie Corner is near Smithfield. It gets its name from the Magpie Inn, but many shops there sold meat pies. Subtle then had no money to buy food, so he was dining on the smell of the food.

Face continued, “In Pie Corner, as you were the father of hunger, you walked piteously, suffering from constipation. You had no money to buy food, and the result was that your body produced nothing that would relieve constipation. Your nose was long and thin and pinched with hunger — or syphilis — as if it were a shoehorn. Your complexion was sallow and unhealthy, and on your face were black and melancholic marks, blackheads that looked like the smuts left by grains of gunpowder on the faces of people practicing their aim with firearms on the targets in the Artillery Garden.”

Subtle said sarcastically, “I wish you could raise your voice a little.” He did not like what he was hearing.

Face continued, “Your clothing consisted of several rags pinned together that you had raked and picked from dunghills before daybreak. You wore moldy slippers on your feet because of the chilblains on your heels. You wore a hat of cheap wool and your cloak was threadbare and was scarcely long enough to cover the meager buns that you call your buttocks —”

“Sir!” an outraged Subtle objected.

Face said, “When all your alchemy and your algebra, and your minerals, plants, and animals, your conjuring, your cheating, and your dozen of trades could not relieve the corpse you call your body with as much underwear as would give you enough tinder to start a fire” — scraps of linen were used to start fires — “I gave you countenance. I gave you support, and I gave you enough credit to get your coal, your stills for distilling liquids, your vials, and your materials. I built you an oven for your alchemy. I drew in customers for you. I advanced all your black arts. I lent you, in addition, a house to pull your cons in —”

“It is your master’s house!” Subtle said.

“And there you have studied the more thriving skill of bawdry since,” Face said. “You have made my house a brothel.”

“Yes, I have been a pimp in your master’s house,” Subtle said. “I have done that in a house where you and the rats live. Don’t pretend not to know about the rats.

“I know you were a man who would keep the pantry always locked, and keep the scraps of leftover food that ought to have been given to the poor. I know that you would keep the leftover beer that ought to have been given to the poor and instead sell it to the aqua-vita men who would distill it and sell the result as better liquid than it was. By pulling such cons, and by making Christmas tips by providing gambling chips for post-and-pair card games, you made yourself a ‘pretty’ stock of money, some twenty marks or approximately thirteen pounds sterling. This made you wealthy enough to converse with the cobwebs that are here in this house since your master’s wife’s death has broken up the house.”

“You might talk softlier, rascal,” Face said. He did not like what he was hearing.

“No, you dung beetle,” Subtle said. “I’ll use my voice to thunder you into pieces. I will teach you how to beware to enrage a Fury again, a Fury who carries a tempest in his hand and voice.”

A Fury is an avenging spirit that rises from Hell to take vengeance on criminals such as people who murder their parent. The tempest in Subtle’s hand was the acid in the vial.

“The place has made you valiant,” Face said.

He meant the place — position, and place to live — that he, Face, had given Subtle.

“No, your clothes,” Subtle replied. He meant that Face’s undeserved Captain’s uniform had made him, Subtle, valiant. He was facing a spurious, not a real, Captain, and so he was not afraid.

Face can be forgiven if he thought that Subtle was referring to the good-quality clothing that Face had provided for him.

Face had talked about the way that he had supported and helped Subtle, but Subtle had then begun talking about the way that he had supported and helped Face. 

According to Subtle, he had transformed Face — for example, from a lowly servant to a high-ranking Captain. This transformation was similar to the transformation wrought in alchemy, which was thought to be able to produce a philosopher’s stone that would transform base metals such as iron and lead into valuable metals such as silver and gold.

Subtle said, “I have taken you, vermin, out of dung. You were so poor, so wretched, that no living thing would keep you company except a spider or worse. I have raised you from brooms, and dust, and watering pots. I have sublimed you, and exalted you, and fixed you in the third region, which is called our state of grace. I have wrought you to spirit, to quintessence, by taking pains that would twice have won me the philosopher’s work. I have worked so hard at bettering you that if I had applied that work to alchemy, I could have created two philosopher’s stones.”

Subtle was using many alchemical terms. According to Subtle, he had metaphorically vaporized (sublimed) Face, concentrated (exalted) him, and stabilized (fixed) his volatility. All of this results in a state of purification. By doing so, he had brought Face to the third region, which is the highest and purest of the three regions of air. According to alchemy, when matter is heated and purified, the result is spirit — essence, which rises into the air. Quintessence is a fifth essence. The first four essences are the four elements — earth, air, fire, and water — which, according to alchemy, make up all material things. Quintessence is incorruptible and pure and is able to transform the first four essences into a harmonious whole. Quintessence is the purest form and is what alchemists think celestial bodies are made of.

Subtle believed that he had raised Face from a humble servant to a man who was on the verge of becoming rich through successful cons.

Subtle continued, “I taught you how to speak properly and how to dress fashionably. I made you fit for more than fellowships in taverns and common eating places.

“I taught you the rules for how to properly swear oaths and the rules for how to properly quarrel. I taught you the rules for how to cheat at horseraces, cockfights, card games, games of dice, and whatever other gallant tinctures that exist.”

In alchemy, a tincture can make a substance seem golden. Subtle was saying that he had taught Face how to appear to be more than a common servant.

Subtle said, “I made you a second in my own great art. I have taught you the tricks of alchemy. 

“And this is what I have for thanks! 

“Do you rebel now? Do you fly out in the projection! Would you be gone now?”

To fly out is to explode. The projection is the final stage of the production of the philosopher’s stone. If the projection is unsuccessful, the result is an explosion that would destroy the alchemist’s laboratory.

Subtle was saying that he had been working hard to turn Face into a philosopher’s stone that would create a lot of silver and gold, but if Face chose to rebel now the result would be a failure of all their efforts. In other words, very soon they would make a lot of money from their cons, but if Face chose to rebel now the result would be the loss of all the money they could have made.

Doll said, “Gentlemen, what do you mean to accomplish by arguing? Will you mar all? Will you ruin everything?”

The two men continued to argue.

Subtle said to Face, “Slave, you had no name, no reputation, no nothing —”

Doll said, “Will you ruin yourselves with civil war?”

Subtle continued, “You would never have been known, past equi clibanum, the heat of horse dung, underground, in cellars, or in an ale house darker than that of Deaf John’s. You would have been lost to all Mankind, except laundresses and tapsters, had I not come and raised you up.”

Again, Subtle was using alchemical language. “Equi clibanum” is Latin for “Horses’ Oven.” Horse dung produces heat as a result of decomposition. This mild heat was used in the earliest stages of trying to produce the philosopher’s stone. Subtle was saying that Face was previously in the lowest parts of society, but that he, Subtle, had taught him how to rise to much higher parts of society. 

Doll said to Subtle, “Do you know who hears you, Sovereign?”

Doll was hearing Subtle. Although she knew and had known Subtle, she was still a prostitute. She had not risen in society.

Face began to say to Subtle, “Sirrah —”

Doll interrupted and said to Face, “No, General, I thought you were civil.”

She still wanted the two men to stop quarreling and not use the word “Sirrah.”

Face ignored Doll and said to Subtle, “I shall turn desperate, if you speak so loud.” 

A desperate man can be a violently angry man.

Subtle said, “Go hang yourself! I don’t care if you grow desperate and out of desperation hang yourself.”

A desperate man can be a suicidal man.

Face said, “Hang yourself, collier.”

A collier is a dealer in coal and charcoal. They often had dirty faces and a reputation for cheating customers by giving incorrect weights for coal purchased. As an alchemist, Subtle used lots of coal and sometimes had a sooty face.

Face continued, “And you can go hang all your pots and pans. In a picture, I will hang you since you have angered me —”

The picture would be a publicly posted notice to alert the general public that Subtle is a con man. It would have Subtle’s picture on it.

Doll said, “Oh, this will overthrow and ruin all our work.”

Face said to Subtle, “I will write a bill and post it publicly at Saint Paul’s Cathedral. In it, I will tell everyone that you are a pimp. I will reveal all your tricks of cheating. 

“I will tell how you hollow out a piece of coal, fill it with silver shavings, plug the hole with a piece of wax, burn the coal, and then show your sucker the silver in the pan — the supposed result of your alchemy.

“I will tell how you pretend to find things by using a witching device made of a sieve and scissors.

“I will tell how you use your imagination to make up horoscopes and tables of the houses — divisions — of the zodiac.

“I will tell how you use your imagination to look for the shadows — the ‘spirits’ — that appear in a crystal ball.

“I will tell all of these things in a large bill with the words written in red ink and with a woodcut of your face, which is worse than the hideous mask worn by the highwayman Gamaliel Ratsey while he committed his robberies.”

According to a pamphlet titled “Ratseis Ghost,” Gamaliel Ratsey once paid some actors to perform for him. The next day he robbed the actors of the money he had paid them.

“Are you of sound mind?” Doll asked. “Are you still in your right senses, masters, or have you lost your minds?”

Face continued, “I will create a book, one that barely covers your many, many cons, but which will still prove to be a true philosopher’s stone to printers. So many people will buy such a scandalous book that it will be very, very profitable.”

Subtle said, “Go away, you trencher-rascal! You are good for nothing except to eat other people’s food!”

A trencher is a wooden plate.

Face said, “Get out, you dog-doctor! Get out, you quack! You are the vomit of all prisons —”

Doll asked, “Will you be your own destructions, gentlemen?”

Face continued, “— always spewed out as a result of eating more than your share of the scraps of food provided for the prisoners!”

Subtle said, “Cheater!”

Face said, “Bawd!”

“Cowherd!”

“Conjurer!”

“Cutpurse! Pickpocket!”

“Male witch!”

Doll said, “Oh! We are ruined. We are lost! Have you no more regard for your reputations? Where’s your judgment? By God’s light, have yet some concern about me, who am of your republic —”

Doll made a part of the group of swindlers along with Subtle and Face, and so she was a part of their republic. In addition, the Latin respublica means “common thing.” In this society, one meaning of “thing” was genitals. As a prostitute who had sexual relations with members of the general public, Doll had a public thing. In fact, you could say that she worked in public relations. Both Subtle and Face may have slept with Doll.

Face said, “Take away this bitch! I’ll bring you, rogue, to court on account of the statute against sorcery, passed into law in tricesimo tertio — the thirty-third year — of the reign of King Henry VIII.”

In 1604, under King James I, the statute against sorcery was passed again.

Face continued, “Yes, and perhaps I’ll bring your neck within a noose, for laundering gold and barbing it.”

Gold coins were laundered by being washed in acid, which would remove some of the gold, which would be recovered and sold later. Barbing gold coins meant shaving off some of the edges of the coins. Both laundering and barbing — barbering — gold coins were punishable by death or by having one’s ears cut off.

Doll snatched Face’s sword and said, “You’ll bring your head within a cockscomb, will you?”

Many professional Fools wore hats that looked like a cockscomb — the comb, aka crest, of a rooster. Doll meant that Face was behaving like a fool.

Doll knocked Subtle’s vial out of his hand and said, “And you, sir, with your menstrue — gather it up.”

A menstrue is a strong solvent.

Doll said, “Damn, you abominable pair of stinkards, leave off your barking and become one team again, or by the light that shines, I’ll cut your throats. I’ll not be made a prey for the Marshal, for never a snarling dog-bolt of you both.”

As a prostitute, Doll wanted to stay away from the Marshal, who would punish prostitutes by whipping them.

A dog-bolt is a blunt arrow. Doll was saying that the two men were doing a lot of barking but no biting.

Doll continued, “Have you two been swindling all this while, and swindling all the world, and shall it now be said that you’ve made the most ‘courteous’ decision to swindle yourselves?”

She said to Face, “You will accuse him! You will bring him into the court on account of the statue against sorcery! Who shall believe your words? You are a whoreson, upstart, apocryphal — fake — Captain, whom not a Puritan in Blackfriers will trust so much as for a feather.”

Feathers were used for personal adornments. Surprisingly, Puritan shopkeepers in the Blackfriers area sold feathers.

Doll said to Subtle, “And you, too, you will argue your case for a bigger share of the profits — ha! You will insult Face and me, and you will claim a primacy in the division of profits! You want the biggest portion! You must be chief! As if only you had the powder to project with!”

The powder was pulverized philosopher’s stone that was sprinkled on the base metal that was to be transformed into silver or gold. This was part of the alchemical procedure called projection. Doll meant, As if only you were pulling this con!

She continued, “As if the work were not begun out of equality! As if the venture and the risk were not tripartite? As if all things were not in common! As if we three were not equal partners and no one has priority!”

She paused and then said to both men, “By God’s death! You perpetual curs, make up and become a team together. Cozen kindly, and heartily, and lovingly, as you should, and don’t lose the beginning of a term.”

“To cozen” means “to cheat” and “to deceive” and “to con.” Doll wanted the two men to cheat other men; she also wanted them to be on as good terms as if they were closely related cousins.

The beginning of the term was the beginning of one of the periods of the years when the law courts were in session. During those periods, London was filled with people and with opportunities for swindlers.

Doll continued, “If you don’t make up and become friends, I shall grow factious, too, and take my own part, and quit you. I will form a faction of one, leave you two, and strike out on my own.”

Face said, “It is his fault; he always moans, and he makes a fuss about the pains he is suffering and is taking, and he says that the heavy lifting of all our cons lies upon him.”

Subtle said, “Why, so it does.”

Doll replied, “How does it? Don’t Face and I do our parts?”

Subtle said, “Yes, but they are not equal to mine.”

Doll said, “Why, if your part exceeds our parts today, I hope that ours may, tomorrow, match it.”

Subtle said, “Yes, they may.”

Doll said, “May, murmuring mastiff! Yes, and they do. Death on me!”

By “Death on me!” Doll may have meant that she would be happy to be responsible for Subtle’s death and even to be hung for causing that death.

She grabbed Subtle by the throat and said to Face, “Help me throttle him.”

Subtle cried, “Dorothy! Mistress Dorothy! By God’s precious blood, I’ll do anything. What do you want?”

Doll said, “I’m doing this because of your fermentation and cibation —”

These were two of the stages of creating the philosopher’s stone. Cibation is the process of adding new materials while heating the mixture that was supposed to result in the philosopher’s stone, something necessary because of evaporation.

Doll was saying that Subtle’s brain had been fermenting with ideas to add more of the profits of the group cons to his pile of profits than were due to him. 

Subtle said, “I’m not guilty of that, I swear by Heaven —”

Doll interrupted, “— and by your Sol and Luna.”

Sol, aka Sun, is an alchemical term for gold, and Luna, aka Moon, is an alchemical term for silver.

Subtle was silent.

Doll said to Face, “Help me strangle him.”

Subtle said, “If I were guilty of that, I wish that I would be hanged! I’ll behave. I’ll conform myself to your wishes.”

“Will you, sir?” Doll said. “Do so then, and quickly. Swear.”

Subtle asked, “What should I swear?”

Doll replied, “To leave your faction of one, sir, and labor kindly in the common work. Become a member of a team of three equal partners again.”

Subtle said, “Let me not breathe if I meant anything besides that. I used those speeches only as a spur to him.”

Doll said to Face, “I hope we need no spurs, sir. Do we?”

Face said, “By God’s eyelid, we’ll have a competition today to see who shall shark — swindle — best.”

“Agreed,” Subtle said.

Doll said, “Yes, and work together in a close and friendly fashion.”

Subtle said, “By God’s light, the knot among us shall grow all the stronger as a result of this quarrel, as far as I’m concerned.”

Subtle and Face shook hands.

Doll said, “Why, so it ought to be, my good baboons! Shall we go make a group of sober, scurvy, puritanical neighbors, who scarcely have smiled twice since James I became King, a feast of laughter? They will be happy to laugh at our follies.”

King James I had made some decisions that made Puritans unhappy. In 1603 at the Hampton Court Conference, he had rejected Puritan requests for ecclesiastical reforms. However, Puritans wanted people to know the Bible without intermediaries, and King James had commissioned the translation of the Bible that became known as the King James Version. The translation began in 1604 and was completed in 1611.

Doll continued, “These rascals would run themselves out of breath in order to come and to see me ride in a cart, or to see you two thrust your heads into a hole and have your ears cropped as rent for the time you spend in the pillory.”

Whores such as Doll could be shamed by being stripped to the waist and whipped as they walked behind a cart. Or whores could be made to ride in a cart to the place of punishment where they would be publicly whipped. 

The alchemist Edward Kelley (1555-1597), an assistant of the astrologer Dr. John Dee, was punished for coining, aka forging, by being put in a pillory and having his ears cut off. Afterwards, he always wore a cap that hid his mutilation.

Doll continued, “Shall we be a feast of laughter for such people? No. Let’s agree that we shall not. 

“My noble Sovereign and my worthy General, let’s agree that we hope Don Provost may provide a feast of laughter while wearing his old velvet jacket and stained scarves for a very long time before we contribute a new crewel garter to his most worsted worship the hangman.”

“Don” is an undeserved title for a Provost like “Sovereign” and “General” are when applied to Subtle and Face. Criminals convicted of serious crimes would ride in a cart to the place where they would be hung. 

Doll was saying that it would be much better to be publicly whipped and provide laughter to onlookers than it would be to be hanged. Of course, she and the others were hoping to avoid being whipped.

The man who hanged criminals was entitled to the clothing of the people he hanged. The word “crewel” meant “worsted,” which is a kind of fabric. Doll also was punning on the word “cruel” when she said “crewel garter” — a cruel “garter” is a hangman’s rope and noose.

“Worsted” also meant “defeated” or “baffled.” Doll and her associates were hoping to continue to defeat the hangman by continuing to be not hanged by him.

The two men appreciated the jokes.

Subtle said, “Royal Doll! Spoken like Claridiana, and yourself.”

Claridiana is a character in the romance Mirror of Princely Deeds and Knighthood (1578). She was a daughter of Penthesilea, Queen of the Amazons, and she inherited Penthesilea’s armor. As a female Knight, she encroached upon social roles usually performed only by men. 

By forcibly making Subtle agree to play his part in the cons without demanding a greater share of the profits, Doll Common had encroached upon a social role usually performed only by men.

Face said, “For which at supper, you shall sit in triumph, and not be styled Doll Common, but Doll Proper, Doll Singular. Whoever draws the longest straw, this night, shall win you as his Doll Particular.”

Face was saying that he and Subtle would draw straws to see who would sleep with Doll Common that night. 

A bell rang.

“Who’s that?” Subtle said. “Someone is ringing. Go to the window, Doll, and see who it is.”

Doll went to the window.

Subtle said, “Pray to Heaven, Face, that your master does not trouble us for this quarter. We don’t want him to show up unexpectedly.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Face said. “As long as someone dies each week from the plague, he won’t even think about returning to London. Besides, he’s busy at his hop yards now; I have received a letter from him. If he does decide to return, he’ll send me orders to air out the house in advance, and you shall have sufficient time to leave it. Even if we have to break up within a fortnight, it doesn’t matter. We’ll have plenty of time.”

A fortnight is two weeks. “Fortnight” is short for “fourteen nights.”

Subtle asked, “Who is it, Doll?”

Doll Common replied, “A fine young quodling.”

A quodling is an unripe apple. A raw youth was at the door.

Face said, “Oh, he’s a lawyer’s clerk. I lighted on him last night, in Holborn, at the Dagger Inn. He wants to have — I told you about him — a familiar spirit to help him gamble on horse races and pick the horse that wins. He also wants the familiar spirit to help him win at cups and ball.”

Familiar spirits often take the form of an animal or fly; they assist witches or other people.

Cups and ball is a scam in which the con man has three cups and one ball, and the sucker has to guess under which cup the ball is. Actually, the ball is secreted in the con man’s hand and so the sucker will lose except for the times, which are infrequent, when the con man wants the sucker to win. (It’s not good business to have the suckers always lose.)

Doll Common said, “Oh, let him in.”

“Wait,” Subtle said. “Who shall con him?”

Face said, “Get your alchemist’s robes on. I will pretend that I am just leaving and meet him at the door.”

Doll Common asked, “And what shall I do?”

“Not be seen,” Face said. “Leave!”

Doll Common exited.

Face said to Subtle, “Seem to be very reserved. Seem reluctant to take his money.”

“Agreed,” Subtle said.

He exited to put on his robes.

Face said loudly so that the young man outside would hear, “God be with you, sir. Please let him know that I was here. His name is Dapper. I would gladly have stayed, but —”

— 1.2 —

Dapper — the young man outside — said, “Captain, I am here.”

Face said loudly so that the young man outside would hear, “Who’s that? He’s come, I think, Doctor.”

He opened the door and allowed Dapper to enter the room.

Face, still dressed in his Captain’s uniform, said, “Truly, sir, I was going away. I was just leaving.”

Dapper said, “Truly, I am very sorry to hear that, Captain Face.”

Face said, “But I thought that for sure I should meet you.”

Dapper said, “Yes, I am very glad. I had a scurvy legal document or two to make, and I had lent my watch last night to one who dines today with the Sheriff, and so I was robbed of my pass-time.” 

In this society, watches were rare and expensive. If the person Dapper had lent his watch to was dining in the Sheriff’s jail, Dapper was literally robbed. But if the person really was dining with the Sheriff, Dapper was “robbed” of his watch for only a short time. Possibly, however, Dapper owned no watch but wanted to appear as if he did.

A watch is a “pass-time” because it shows time passing.

Subtle entered the room, wearing a learned man’s velvet cap and gown.

Dapper asked, “Is this the cunning-man?”

A cunning-man is a man who is knowledgeable in such things as astrology and alchemy and other occult matters.

“This is his worship,” Face replied.

“Is he a Doctor?”

“Yes.”

“And have you broached with him the matter I wish to talk to him about, Captain Face?”

That matter was a request for a familiar spirit to help him win at gambling. Such requests occurred in this society. In the 1570s, Adam Squire sold gambling flies — spirits supposedly sometimes took the form of flies. This nearly got him expelled as Master of Balliol College, Oxford. 

“Yes.”

“And how did he respond?”

“He is making a lot of objections to the matter, sir, so I don’t know what to say.”

“Say it isn’t so, Captain Face.”

“I wish that I were fairly rid of this business, believe me.”

“Now you make me grieve, sir. Why should you wish that? I dare to assure you that I’ll not be ungrateful.”

“I cannot think you will be ungrateful, sir,” Face said. “But the law is a thing that demands consideration — and then he points out that Read’s matter has been in the news recently.”

“Read!” Dapper said scornfully. “He was an ass, and he dealt, sir, with a fool.”

In November 1607, Simon Read, a Doctor, had invoked three spirits to help him recover money that had been stolen from one of his clients. Presumably, the client — Toby Matthews — was the “ass” to whom Dapper was referring. In February 1608, Simon Read was pardoned.

“He was a clerk, sir,” Face said.

Dapper, who was a clerk, said, “A clerk!”

Face said, “Listen to me, sir, you know the law better, I think —”

“I should, sir, and the danger, too,” Dapper said. “You know, I showed the statute to you.”

“So you did,” Face said.

“And will I tell then!” Dapper said.

He meant that since he knew the consequences of breaking the law against occult practices that he would not inform on Subtle and Face because he, himself, would also be guilty of breaking that law.

Dapper continued, “By this hand of flesh, I swear that I wish it might never write good court-hand any more if I reveal what the cunning-man does for me. What do you think of me? Do you think that I am a chiaus?”

“What’s that?” Face asked.

“The Turk who was here,” Dapper replied.

In 1607, a Turk arrived in London and falsely said that he was the ambassador of the Turkish Sultan. While in England, he was lavishly entertained and all his expenses were paid. As a result, chiaus — related to the Turkish word for “messenger” — became an English synonym for “cheat.”

Dapper continued, “As one would say, do you think that I am a Turk?”

“I’ll tell the Doctor,” Face said.

He would tell Subtle that Dapper was no Turk — for one thing, Dapper wasn’t intelligent enough to be very successful as a con man.

“Do, good sweet Captain Face.”

Face said to Subtle, “Come, noble Doctor, I request that you will let us prevail and help us. This is the gentleman, and he is no chiaus.”

“Captain Face, I have already told you my answer,” Subtle said. 

He then said to Dapper, “I would do much, sir, for your friendship — but this I neither may, nor can, do.”

“Tut, do not say so,” Face said. “You deal now with a noble fellow, Doctor. He is a man who will thank you richly, and he is no chiaus. Let that, sir, persuade you to help him.”

Subtle said, “Please, stop —”

Face said, “He has four angels here.”

Angels are gold coins depicting the archangel Michael combating a dragon.

“You do me wrong, good sir,” Subtle said, declining to take the money.

“Doctor, how do I do you wrong?” Face said. “By tempting you with these spirits?”

“You tempt my art and love, sir, to my peril,” Subtle said. “Before Heaven, I scarcely can think you are my friend, not when you would draw me to manifest danger by tempting me to disobey the law.”

Raising spirits was a crime with severe penalties. 

“I draw you!” Face said. “May a horse draw you, and to a halter. You, and your familiar spirits together —”

He was pretending to be angry and to wish that Subtle would be drawn by a horse and cart to the gallows.

Dapper said, “No, good Captain Face.”

Face said to Subtle, “You are unable to distinguish between men — men who blab, and men who can keep a secret.”

“Use good words, sir,” Subtle said. “Don’t say angry words.”

“Good deeds, sir, Doctor Dogs’ Meat,” Face said, still pretending to be angry. “By God’s light, I bring you no cheating Clim o’ the Cloughs, or Claribells, who look as big as five-and-fifty and flush, and who spit out secrets like hot custard —”

Clim o’ the Clough was an outlaw in a ballad, and Claribell was a Knight who constantly loved excessively in Edmund Spenser’s Faerie Queen. “Claribell” may be related to Latin clarus bellum — “famous [in] war.” Or Edmund Spenser may have used the name to suggest that Claribell is so fond of the ladies that he has a lady’s name. However, Face may have meant that Claribell was a deceiver because he bore a deceiving name. He was a male Knight with a lady’s name.

Five-and-fifty and flush is an unbeatable hand in the card game primero.

Mark Twain once put a spoonful of soup in his mouth, but it was so hot that he spit it out, shocking his fellow diners. But he was unperturbed and said, “Some darn fools would have swallowed that!”

“Captain Face!” Dagger said.

Face continued, “I did not bring him any melancholic under-scribe who would tell the vicar-general about our secret doings; instead, I brought him a special gentleman who is the heir to forty marks a year, who consorts with the small poets of the time, who is the sole hope of his old grandmother, who knows the law, and who can write for you six fair hands, who is a fine clerk and has his bookkeeping perfect, who will take his oath on the Greek Xenophon, if need be, in his pocket, and who can court his girl out of his reading of Ovid.”

Consorting with small poets is the best society that Dapper can muster. 

Dapper does have skills: He can write six kinds of handwriting: court-hand, secretary (both English and French), Italic, Roman, and chancery.

If Dapper needs to, he can take his oath on the Greek Xenophon he keeps in his pocket. Xenophon was an ancient Greek historian. People of the time swore on Greek Bibles, and at times Dapper might try to fool an uneducated person by swearing on a Greek Xenophon in order to avoid making a religious oath. Similarly and for the same reason, according to malicious gossip, Irish men of the time would kiss their thumbnail rather than the Bible when swearing oaths they did not want to keep.

Ovid wrote a manual of love poetry, or seduction poetry: Ars Amatoria — The Art of Love. This is the first line: “Siquis in hoc artem populo non novit amandi, / Hoc legat et lecto carmine doctus amet.” J. Lewis May translated it in 1930: “If there be anyone among you who is ignorant of the art of loving, let him read this poem and, having read it and acquired the knowledge it contains, let him address himself to Love.” 

Dapper said, “No, dear Captain Face —”

“Did you not tell me so?” Face asked.

“Yes, but I want you to treat the Master Doctor with some more respect.”

“Hang him, the proud stag, with his broad velvet head!” Face said.

He was punning on “velvet,” which referred both to the Doctor’s velvet cap and to the velvet of a stag’s antlers.

Face said to Dapper, “But for your sake, I’d choke before I would exchange an article of breath with such a puck-fist.”

“Puck-fist” is the puffball fungus; it does not have an open cap like many mushrooms, and its spores are produced inside the closed cap. Face was referring to Subtle’s fist, which was empty of everything except air because he refused to accept Dapper’s money.

Face said to Dapper, “Come on, let’s go.”

He pretended to be leaving.

Subtle said, “Please let me speak with you.”

Dapper called after Face, “His worship is calling you, Captain Face.”

Face complained, “I am sorry that I ever embarked in such a business.”

Dapper said, “Good sir, he did call you.”

Face asked, “Will he take then?”

“Take” referred to “take on this business” and “take your money.”

Subtle said, “First, hear me —”

“Not a syllable, unless you take,” Face interrupted.

“Please, sir,” Subtle said.

Face said, “Upon no terms, but an assumpsit.”

An assumpsit is a verbal legal agreement. In practice, it is made binding by the payment of money.

“Your preference must be law,” Subtle said.

He took the four angels from Dapper.

Face said to Subtle, “Why now, sir, talk. Now I dare hear you with my honor. Speak. This gentleman — Dapper — may speak, too.”

“Why, sir —” Subtle said. 

He began to whisper to Face, who said, “No whispering.”

This was sure to make Dapper listen carefully.

Subtle said, “Before Heaven, you do not apprehend the loss you do to yourself in this matter.”

“Loss?” Face said. “What loss?”

“By the Virgin Mary, I say that you do yourself loss by demanding that I help this man who, when he has a familiar spirit to help him gamble, will ruin you all. He’ll win all the money in the town.”

“What!” Face said.

“Yes, and he will blow up — bankrupt — gamester after gamester, just as people blow up firecrackers in a puppet-play. If I give him a familiar spirit, you may as well just give him all the money you are gambling for and with; never bet against him for he will win it all.”

“You are mistaken, Doctor,” Face said. “Why, he is asking for a small familiar spirit to help him win only at cups and horses. We aren’t talking about one of your great familiar spirits.”

Dapper said, “Actually, Captain Face, I want a familiar spirit to help me win at all games.”

“I told you so,” Subtle said to Face.

Face said to Dapper, “By God, that is a new business! I understood that you would be a tame bird and fly twice in a term, or so, on Friday nights, after you had left the office, for a nag worth forty or fifty shillings. I thought that we were talking about small stuff.”

“Yes, it is true that we did talk about small stuff, sir,” Dapper said, “but I think now that I shall quit my job and leave the law, and make my living as a gambler, and therefore —”

“Why, this changes everything,” Face said. “Do you think that I dare persuade him to give you a great familiar spirit?”

Great familiar spirits are powerful demons.

“If you please, sir,” Dapper said, “do it. All’s one to him, I see. Great familiar spirit? Small familiar spirit? All’s one to him, I’m sure.”

“What!” Face said. “By my conscience I cannot persuade him for that money, nor should you make the request, I think.”

“No, I won’t, sir,” Dapper said. “I mean to pay more money for a great familiar spirit.”

“Why, then, sir, I’ll try,” Face said.

Face whispered to Subtle, “Let’s say that the familiar spirit were for all games, Doctor. What then?”

Face and Subtle whispered, but they made sure to whisper loud enough for Dapper to overhear them.

Subtle whispered, “I say then that not a mouth shall eat at any inn except on credit because of him winning all the money. He has the mouth of a gambler, believe me.”

“Indeed!” Face whispered.

“He’ll win all the treasure of the realm, if it is staked against him.”

“Do you know this because of your occult knowledge?”

“Yes, sir,” Subtle whispered, “and I know it from my use of reason, too, which is the foundation of knowledge. He is the type of man the Queen of Fairy loves.”

“What!” Face said. “Is he?”

“Shh!” Subtle said. “He’ll overhear you. Sir, should she but see him —”

“What would happen?”

“Don’t you tell him!”

“Will he win at cards, too?” Face asked.

“You’d swear that the spirits of the dead Dutch alchemist John Holland and the living Dutch alchemist John Isaac Holland were in him because he would have such a vigorous luck that it cannot be resisted. Indeed, he’ll win all the expensive clothing of six of your gallants and leave each of them only a cloak to conceal their nakedness.”

Face said, “This is a strange and rare success that some man shall be born to!”

“He overhears you, man —” Subtle said.

Dapper said, “Sir, I’ll not be ingrateful.”

He meant that he would not be an ingrate and he would not be ungrateful.

Face said, “By my faith, I swear that I have confidence in his good nature. You heard him — he says he will not be ingrateful.”

“Why, do as you please,” Subtle said to Face. “I will go along with whatever you decide.”

“Truly, I think you should do it, Doctor. You should give him a great and powerful familiar spirit. Think that he is trustworthy, and make him.”

Dapper thought that Face was saying, Make him (Dapper) rich, but Face was actually saying, Make him (Dapper) a mark — dupe him.

Face continued, “He may make us both happy and rich in an hour. He may win some five thousand pounds, and send us two of it.”

“Believe it, and I will, sir,” Dapper said. 

He was promising to send them two thousand — or just two — pounds.

“And you shall, sir,” Face said to Dapper. “Did you overhear everything we said?”

“No, what was it you said?” Dapper lied. “I overheard nothing, not I, sir.”

“Nothing!” Face said.

“I overheard a little, sir.”

“Well, a rare star reigned at your birth,” Face said.

“At mine, sir!” Dapper said. “No.”

“The Doctor swears that you are —”

“No, Captain Face, you’ll tell all now,” Subtle said.

Face continued, “— related to the Queen of Fairy.”

“To whom? Am I?” Dapper said. “Believe it, there’s no way that —”

“Yes,” Face said, “and the Doctor says that you were born with a caul on your head.”

A caul is the amniotic membrane that encloses a fetus. In this society, being born with the caul or part of the caul on top of the baby’s head was regarded as a sign of good luck for the baby.

“Who says so?” Dapper asked.

“Come on,” Face said. “You know well enough that this is true, although you are pretending not to know it.” 

“I’fac, I do not,” Dapper said. “You are mistaken.”

“I’fac” was a weak version of “in faith.” It was a very weak oath, so weak in fact that Dapper would soon say that it is not a real oath.

“What!” Face said. “Swear by your ‘i’fac,’ and in a thing so well known to the Doctor? How shall we, sir, trust you in the other matter — the matter of the great familiar spirit? Can we ever think that when you have won five or six thousand pounds, you’ll send us shares in it, if you won’t tell the truth about this?”

“By Jove, sir, I’ll win ten thousand pounds, and send you half,” Dapper said. “‘I’fac’ is not a real oath.”

Subtle said, “He was only jesting when he said that.”

“Hmm,” Face said. Then he said to Dapper, “Go thank the Doctor. He’s your friend; he must be if he interprets in this way what you said.”

“I thank his worship,” Dapper said.

“So!” Face said. “Pay another angel.”

“Must I?” Dapper asked.

“Must you!” Face said. “By God’s light, what else are thanks! Will you be petty?”

He then said, “Doctor?” 

Subtle held out his hand, and Dapper gave him the money.

Face asked Subtle, “When must he come for his familiar?”

“Shall I not take it with me when I leave?” Dapper asked.

“Oh, good sir!” Subtle said. “A world of ceremonies must be performed first. You must be bathed and fumigated first. Besides, the Queen of Fairy does not rise until noon.”

“Definitely not before noon, if she danced last night,” Face said.

“And she must bless the familiar spirit,” Subtle said.

“Have you ever seen her royal grace?” Face asked Dapper.

“Whom?” Dapper asked.

“Your aunt of Fairy,” Face replied.

An aunt is an older female relative; in the slang of the time, an aunt is also a bawd or a prostitute.

Subtle said, “Not since she kissed him in the cradle, Captain Face. I can answer your question.”

Face said to Dapper, “Well, see her grace, whatever it costs you, because of a thing that I know. Seeing her will be somewhat hard to do, but nevertheless see her. You are a made man, believe it, if you can see her. Her grace is an unmarried woman, and very rich; and if she takes a fancy to you, she will do exceptional things.”

The exceptional things could be done for — or to — Dapper. Face, however, wanted Dapper to think that the Queen of Fairy would remember him in her fairy will.

Face continued, “See her, in any case. By God’s eyelid, she may happen to leave you all she has — it is the Doctor’s fear.”

Subtle “feared” that the Queen of Fairy would make Dapper so lucky that he would win and own everything and then inherit even more from the Queen of Fairy.

Of course, fairies, if they existed, are supposed to be very long-lived, so the Queen of Fairy, if she existed, would be likely to long out-live Dapper, but greed often short-circuits anything resembling logical thinking.

“How will it be done, then?” Dapper asked.

“Leave it to me,” Face said. “Don’t you worry about it. Just say to me, ‘Captain Face, I’ll see her grace.’”

Dapper said, “Captain Face, I’ll see her grace.”

“Good enough,” Face said.

Knocking sounded at the door.

Subtle shouted at the door, “Who’s there? I’m coming.”

He said to Face, “Take Dapper out by the back way.”

He then said to Dapper, “Sir, before one o’clock prepare yourself. Until then you must fast. Put three drops of vinegar up your nose, two in your mouth, and one in each ear. Then bathe your fingers’ ends and wash your eyes, to sharpen your five senses, and cry ‘hum’ thrice and ‘buzz’ thrice, and then come here.”

He went to answer the door.

Face asked Dapper, “Can you remember what he said?”

“Yes, I promise you,” Dapper said.

“Well, then, go,” Face said. “All that is left is for you to bestow some twenty nobles among her grace’s servants.”

Twenty nobles was a considerable amount of money.

Face continued, “And put on a clean shirt. You do not know what grace her grace the Queen of Fairy may do for you if you wear clean linen.”

Fairies love cleanliness.

Face and Dapper exited.

— 1.3 —

Subtle opened the door and said to the man waiting there, “Come in!”

To the women waiting outside to consult him, he said, “Good wives, I ask that you wait. Truly, I can do nothing for you until the afternoon.”

He shut the door, and said to the man, “What is your name? Are you Abel Drugger?”

Face gathered information about the suckers and gave the information to Subtle.

“Yes, sir.”

“Are you a seller of tobacco?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Umph,” Subtle said. “Are you a Freeman of the Grocers’ Company?”

The Grocers’ Company was a guild that regulated trade in tobacco.

“Yes, if it pleases you, sir,” Abel Drugger said. He was a Freeman of the guild — a junior member who was said to have the freedom of the company. 

“Well,” Subtle said, “what is your business with me, Abel?”

“This, if it pleases your worship,” Drugger said. “I am a young beginner, and I am building a business, a new shop, if it pleases your worship, just at a corner of a street.”

He showed Subtle a diagram and said, “Here is the building layout.”

He continued, “I would like to learn from your magical art, sir, from your worship, where I should put my door, from your magical necromancy, and where I should put my shelves, and which shelves should be for boxes, and which should be for pots. I would be glad to thrive, sir, and I was recommended to your worship by a gentleman, one Captain Face, who says you know astrology and men’s planets, and men’s good angels, and their bad.”

Today, we might say that Subtle claimed to have a knowledge of feng shui, which <oxforddictionaries.com> defines as “(in Chinese thought) a system of laws considered to govern spatial arrangement and orientation in relation to the flow of energy (qi), and whose favorable or unfavorable effects are taken into account when siting and designing buildings.”

Subtle said, “I do know men’s good and bad angels, if I see them —”

Face returned and said, “What! My honest Abel! You are well met here.”

“Truly, sir, I was speaking, just as your worship came here, about your worship. I ask you to speak for me and give me a good recommendation to Master Doctor.”

Face said to Subtle, “He shall do anything. — Doctor, do you hear me? — This is my friend, Abel. He is an honest fellow. He lets me have good tobacco, and he does not adulterate it with sack-lees or oil, nor washes it in muscadel and grains, nor buries it in gravel, underground.”

Tobacco was imported, and this society had not yet discovered how to cure — preserve — it, and so the tobacco often arrived either dried out or moldy. Dried-out tobacco could be moistened with sack-lees (wine dregs) or oil or muscadel wine or grains of cardamom spice. It could also be buried it in gravel, underground, so that ground water could moisten it.

Face continued, “He keeps his tobacco in fine ornamental lily pots, that, opened, smell like the perfume made from roses, or like the sweet-smelling flowers of French — broad — beans.”

Dapper’s tobacco store was a place where people could smoke, as well as buy tobacco, and so he had the necessary equipment for doing that.

Face continued, “He has his maple block, his silver tongs, Winchester pipes, and fire of juniper.”

Tobacco was shredded on a maple block, silver tongs were used to hold a burning juniper-wood coal that would light the fine pipes that came from Winchester. Juniper wood was used because it burned slowly.

Face continued, “Drugger is a neat, spruce, honest fellow, and he is no goldsmith.”

Goldsmiths engaged in banking and were usurers. Face was saying that Drugger did not overcharge for his tobacco. 

By the way, saying that Drugger was no goldsmith was an in-joke. Robert Armin, who first played the role on stage, was a goldsmith’s apprentice before he became an actor.

Subtle said, “He is a fortunate fellow, that I am sure of.”

Face said, “Sir, have you found his future already? Listen, Abel!”

Subtle said, “And he is headed in the right way toward riches —”

“Sir!” Face said.

Subtle said, “This summer he will be wearing the livery of the Grocers’ Company; he will be a Liveryman, a higher rank than his current rank of Freeman.”

A Liveryman is a full member of the guild or company, and he wears special clothing to indicate that. 

Subtle continued, “And next spring he will be called to wear the scarlet clothing of a Sheriff. My advice to him is this: Spend what he can.”

“Spend” can refer to spending money or time or effort. An old-fashioned definition of “spend” is to leap or spring. Subtle’s advice seems to be for Drugger to be ambitious and to expend what money and time and effort he can to leap to higher positions — positions that will lead him to his fortune. He will have to spend money and time and effort to be successful. Of course, Subtle wanted Drugger to spend much money — all he can — in tips to Subtle.

Face said, “What, and he has so little beard! He is so young!”

Subtle said, “Sir, you must be aware that he may have a recipe to make hair grow on his face, but he’ll be wise, preserve his youth, and be fine for it. He’ll also pay a fine to get out of being Sheriff. His fortune looks for him another way.”

People who were chosen to be Sheriff could get out of filling the position by paying a fine.

“Doctor, how can you know his future so quickly? I am astonished by that!”

Subtle replied, “By a rule, Captain Face, in metoposcopy — the art of reading character by looking at the forehead — which I do work by. 

“Drugger has a certain star on the forehead, which you don’t see. A chestnut or olive-colored face, which Drugger has, never fails, and his long ears show he has promise.”

Star on the forehead, chestnut or olive-colored face, long ears — this sounds like a description of an ass. Some donkeys have marks resembling a star on their forehead.

Subtle continued, “I knew his future, by certain spots, too, in his teeth, and on the nail of his mercurial finger.”

“Which finger is that?” Face asked.

“His little finger,” Subtle said. “Look.”

He asked Drugger, “You were born on a Wednesday?”

“Yes, indeed, sir.”

“The thumb, in chiromancy, aka palm reading, we give to Venus,” Subtle said. “The forefinger, to Jove; the middle finger, to Saturn; the ring finger, to Sol; the little finger, to Mercury, who was the lord, sir, of his horoscope, his house of life being Libra. This foreshowed that Drugger should be a merchant, and should trade with balance.”

In astrology, the first house is the house of life. The sign of the zodiac ascending the horizon when one is born governs the first house. Whatever planet rules the sign of the zodiac is the lord of the horoscope. Drugger was a Libra, whose symbol is a pair of scales. According to Subtle, this showed that Drugger would be a businessman, since merchants weigh some things that are for sale.

Subtle said that the planet Mercury is the lord of Drugger’s horoscope; actually, the planet Venus is the lord of Drugger’s horoscope. Subtle had made the change because Mercury is the Roman god of business. (Fittingly in this case, Mercury is also the Roman god of thieves.)

“Why, this is exceptional!” Face said. “Isn’t it, honest Nab?”

“Nab” is a nickname for Abel.

Subtle said, “There is a ship now, coming from Hormus, an island in the Persian Gulf, that shall yield him such a commodity of drugs!”

He looked at the layout of Drugger’s shop. Pointing, Subtle asked him, “This is the west, and this the south?”

“Yes, sir,” Drugger replied.

“And those are your two sides?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Make your door, then, in the south; make your broad side, west. On the east side of your shop, aloft, write the names of these spirits: Mathlai, Tarmiel, and Baraborat. Upon the north side, write the names of these spirits: Rael, Velel, and Thiel. They are the names of those Mercurial spirits that will frighten away flies and keep them from getting into your boxes of tobacco.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And beneath your threshold, bury a magnet to draw in gallants who wear metal spurs. The rest of your customers will be seen to follow them.”

“Keep that a secret, Nab!” Face said. “This is your special way of gaining customers.”

Subtle said, “And, on your stall — the display-table in front of your shop — have a mechanical puppet that can be made to move by wires or levers. Also, have some makeup that is worn by the ladies at the royal court. That will draw in the city ladies; they will want to imitate the court ladies. You shall deal much with minerals.”

Drugger said, “Sir, I have at home, already —”

Subtle interrupted, “Yes, I know you have arsenic, vitriol (aka sulphuric acid), sal-tartar (aka carbonite of potash), argol (aka tartar), alkali (aka caustic soda), and cinnabar (aka red mercuric sulphide). I know all.”

He said to Face, “This fellow, Captain, will come, in time, to be a great distiller, and he will attempt to make — I will not say he will definitely succeed, but he has a fair chance of succeeding — the philosopher’s stone.”

“Why, what you do you think about that, Abel?” Face said.

Face then asked Subtle, “Is this true?”

Subtle nodded yes. 

Drugger asked, “Good Captain Face, what must I give to the cunning-man?”

“No, I’ll not advise you,” Face said. “You have heard what wealth — he advises you to spend what you can — you are likely to come to.”

Drugger said, “I would give him a crown.”

Face said, “Only a crown! And toward such a fortune? My friend, you should rather give him your shop than just a crown. Haven’t you any gold on you?”

“Yes, I have a portague, a Portuguese gold coin, that I have kept this half year,” Drugger said.

“Out with it, Nab. That’s a proper gratuity. You shall keep it no longer — I’ll give it to him for you.”

He took the coin from Drugger and said, “Doctor, Nab asks your worship to take this and buy drinks with it, and he swears that he will demonstrate more gratitude as your skill raises him in the world.”

“I would entreat another favor of his worship,” Drugger said.

“What is it, Nab?” Face asked.

“Only to look over, sir, my almanac, and cross out my unlucky days, so that I may neither bargain nor give credit on those days.”

“That he shall, Nab,” Face said. “Leave your almanac; it shall be done by this afternoon.”

Subtle said, “And I will write instructions for how to organize and stock his shelves.”

“Now, Nab,” Face said. “Are you well pleased, Nab?”

“Sir, I thank both your worships,” Drugger said.

“You may leave now,” Face said.

Drugger exited.

Face said to Subtle, “Why, now, you smoky persecutor of nature!”

As an alchemist, Subtle made a lot of fires. Alchemists are persecutors of nature because they torture base metals with fire and chemicals in their attempts to turn the base metals into silver and gold.

Face continued, “Now do you see that something’s to be done, beside your beech-coal, and your corrosive waters, your crosslets, crucibles, and cucurbites!”

All of these things were used in alchemy. Charcoal made of beech wood was very good charcoal. Corrosive waters are acids. Crosslets and crucibles are melting pots. Cucurbites are retorts, which are containers with a long downward-curving neck and a bulb at the end.

Face continued, “You must have stuff brought home to you, to work on.”

Here the “stuff” was suckers, whom it was Face’s job to find and bring to Subtle.

Face continued, “And yet you think that I am at no expense in searching out these veins, then following them, and then trying them out. Before God, I swear that my intelligence — the information I find out about suckers — costs me more money than my share of our profits often comes to in these rare works.”

Subtle said, “You are pleasant, sir.”

This meant, I’m sure you are exaggerating.

— 1.4 —

Doll Common entered the room.

Subtle asked, “What is it? What says my dainty Dollkin?”

Doll said, “The fishwife outside will not go away. And also waiting is your giantess, the bawd of Lambeth.”

Many criminals and prostitutes lived in Lambeth, which is south of the Thames River.

Subtle said, “Sweetheart, I cannot speak with them.”

Doll said, “Not before night, I have told them in a voice, through the speaking-tube, like one of your familiars.”

One of the tricks they engaged in was to use a speaking-tube to communicate with spirits and familiars. To the suckers, it seemed as if a disembodied voice were speaking.

Doll continued, “But I have spied Sir Epicure Mammon —”

“Where?” Subtle asked.

“Coming along, at the far end of the lane,” Doll said. “His feet were moving slowly, but his tongue was wagging quickly as he talked with a companion.”

Subtle ordered, “Face, go and change your clothes. Get out of the Captain’s uniform.”

Face exited.

Subtle said, “Doll, you must immediately get ready, too.”

“Why, what’s the matter?” Doll asked.

“Oh, I looked for Sir Epicure Mammon to show up here at dawn,” Subtle said. “I marvel that he could sleep. This is the day I am to perfect for him the magisterium, our great work, the philosopher’s stone, and yield it, once it is made, into his hands. About this stone he has, all this month, talked as if he were possessed.”

“Possessed” meant both “in possession of something” and “possessed by spirits, aka insane.”

Subtle continued, “He keeps thinking about what he will do with it once he has it. In his imagination he’s dealing pieces of the philosopher’s stone away.”

Some people believed that powdered philosopher’s stone could be mixed into a drink that would cure diseases and make old people young. This was known as the elixir of life. Some people even thought that drinking it made one immortal. 

Of course, the philosopher’s stone doesn’t exist, and so ideas about it varied. Some people thought that the philosopher’s stone and the elixir of life were two separate things and that powdered philosopher’s stone was not part of the elixir of life.

Subtle continued, “I think I see him entering inns and dispensing the cure for venereal diseases, and entering houses infected with the plague and handing out his cure, walking Moorfields to find the lepers there, and offering citizens’ wives pomander bracelets.”

Pomander bracelets are bracelets with balls containing aromatic substances, or bracelets made of aromatic paste, and they were thought to ward off the plague. The pomander bracelets would contain some of the elixir — Sir Epicure Mammon believed that smelling it would offer immunity to the plague.

Subtle continued, “He will search the charity houses for the indigent and the diseased in order to make bawds young again, and he will search the highways for beggars to make rich.

“I see no end of his labors. He will make Nature ashamed of her long sleep when Art, who’s only a stepmother, shall do more than Nature, in her best love to Humankind, ever could.”

Art includes alchemy. If alchemy can produce the philosopher’s stone and the elixir of life, then Art can cure Humankind of diseases that come from Nature. 

Stepmothers had the reputation of being less kind to children than mothers are.

Subtle continued, “If his dream lasts, he’ll turn the age to gold. This will be a Golden Age.”

Sir Epicure Mammon had done a lot of talking to Subtle about what he would do with the philosopher’s stone. That talk was all about philanthropy. 

We shall see if all his desires are philanthropic.

 

CHAPTER 2

— 2.1 —

Sir Epicure Mammon and Pertinax Surly were talking together in a room in Lovewit’s house.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Come on, sir. Now, you set your foot on shore in Novo Orbe, the rich New World. This room is the rich Peru. And there within, sir, are the golden mines, Great Solomon’s Ophir! He was sailing to it, three years, but we have reached it in ten months.”

To Sir Epicure Mammon, Lovewit’s house was the New World, source of riches. He believed that he would soon have the philosopher’s stone and he would be very rich. He believed, along with many others, that Solomon, son of King David, got his vast wealth from possession of the philosopher’s stone. The gold was made in Ophir, and every three years a fleet of ships brought gold to him.

1 Kings 10:22 states, “For the king had at sea a navy of Tharshish with the navy of Hiram: once in three years came the navy of Tharshish, bringing gold, and silver, ivory, and apes, and peacocks” (King James Bible).

Apparently, for ten months, Sir Epicure Mammon had been giving money to Subtle the alchemist to create a philosopher’s stone for him.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “This is the day, wherein, to all my friends, I will pronounce these happy words: BE RICH; THIS DAY YOU SHALL BE SPECTATISSIMI.”

The Latin word “SPECTATISSIMI” means “regarded as very special, very much looked up to.” 

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, as if he were speaking to all his friends, “You shall no more deal with the hollow die, or the frail card.”

A hollow die is a loaded die; “die” is the singular of dice. The die would be hollowed out and then filled with lead so that a certain number would be more likely to come up. A frail card is a card that is easily broken. Here it is a playing card that can be easily marked. Sir Epicure Mammon was saying that his friends would no longer have to cheat at gambling in order to make money.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “You shall no more be in charge of keeping the livery-punk for the young heir, who must sign and seal a contract, at all hours, in his shirt. No more, if he denies having signed and sealed the contract, will you have to have him beaten until he admits having signed and sealed the contract — just as the young heir shall be sure to beat the person who brings him the commodity.”

This was another unethical way to make money. A livery-punk is a prostitute kept under contract. The prostitute would find a young heir to sleep with, the couple would be interrupted in their lovemaking, and the young heir would be induced to sign a contract before he could go back to his lovemaking. The contract could be a form of blackmail so that his indiscretion would not be revealed. The contract would be for a loan, but only part of the loan was given to the young heir in cash money. The rest was given to the young heir in much-overvalued commodities. For example, the contract might be for a loan of one hundred pounds: thirty pounds in money and seventy pounds in a commodity such as lute-strings, but the lute-springs would be worth much less than seventy pounds. Such a scam was highly profitable.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “No more shall the thirst for satin or the covetous hunger for a velvet lining for a rude-spun cloak, which would be displayed at Madam Augusta’s brothel, either make the sons of sword and hazard fall before the golden calf, and on their knees, whole nights, commit idolatry with wine and trumpets, or go a-feasting after drum and ensign.”

In other words, no more shall greed for fancy clothing and visits to brothels make gambling soldiers (“the sons of sword and hazard”) worship the golden calf, aka commit the idolatry of worshipping money. They won’t be tempted to drink and carouse and gamble — perhaps by playing craps while kneeling — in gambling places all night, and they won’t have to get their feasts by following the drum and battle flag. Instead, they will already have the money for prostitutes and feasts.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “There shall be no more of this. You shall beget young viceroys, and have your punks, and punketees, my Surly.”

A viceroy rules a province on behalf of a King. Punks are prostitutes, and punketees are young prostitutes.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “And unto you I speak it first, BE RICH.”

He then said, “Where is my Subtle, there! Within, ho!”

Face, from inside the door, said, “Sir, he’ll come to you soon.”

Recognizing Face’s voice, Sir Epicure Mammon said, “That is Subtle’s fire-drake, his Lungs, his Zephyrus, his servant who puffs his coals until he firk nature up, in her own center.”

A fire-drake is literally a fiery dragon, which was thought to be able to live in fire; metaphorically, it is the alchemist’s assistant who uses bellows to make fires burn. “Lungs” is a nickname for an alchemist’s assistant. Zephyrus is the west wind. To “firk” is to stir up.

Sir Epicure Mammon said to Surly, “You have no belief in alchemy, sir. But tonight, I’ll change all that is metal in my house to gold, and early in the morning, I will send people to all the plumbers and the pewterers and buy up their tin and lead, and I will send people to Lothbury to buy up all the copper there.”

Surly said, “What, and turn that into gold, too?”

“Yes, and I’ll purchase the tin and copper mines in Devonshire and Cornwall and make them perfect Indies! I will make them gold mines!”

The Indies were thought to be rich in gold.

Sir Epicure Mammon asked Surly, “Do you marvel now?”

“No, truly I do not.”

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “But when you see the effects of the great medicine, aka philosopher’s stone, of which one part projected on a hundred parts of Mercury (aka quicksilver), or Venus (aka copper), or the Moon (aka silver), shall turn them to as many of the Sun (aka gold). Nay, to a thousand, and so on ad infinitum (aka to infinity), then you will believe me.”

A small amount of the philosopher’s stone was believed to change much base metal into gold.

Surly said, “Yes, when I see it, I will believe it. But if my eyes con me into seeing that without me giving them a good reason to do so — such as drinking way too much — I will be sure to have a whore piss on them the following day and put them out.”

Urine is acidic and can damage the eyes. By the way, piss is one kind of golden shower.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Do you think I am telling fables to you? I assure you that a man who has once the flower of the Sun, the perfect ruby, which we call elixir — all of these are synonyms for the philosopher’s stone — not only can do that, but by the stone’s virtue and strength, can confer honor, love, respect, and long life and can give safety, valor, yes, and victory, to whomever he will. In just twenty-eight days, I’ll make an old man of eighty a child again.”

“No doubt; he’s that already,” Surly said. “A man of that age is in his second childhood.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “No, I don’t mean senility. I mean that I will restore his years and renew him, like an eagle, to the fifth age.”

This is part of Psalms 103:5: “thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s” (King James Version).

Some people believed that eagles renewed their youth by flying high up into the fiery region, plunging into the ocean, and then molting their feathers.

The fifth age is mature manhood.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “Drinking the elixir of life will make the once-old man beget sons and daughters — young giants — as our philosophers the ancient patriarchs have done before the great flood.”

Many of the patriarchs were long-lived, according to the Bible. This is Genesis 5:1-8 (King James Bible)

1 This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him;

2 Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.

3 And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth:

4 And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters:

5 And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died.

6 And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos:

7 And Seth lived after he begat Enos eight hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters:

8 And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years: and he died.

According to the alchemists, Adam and the other patriarchs had possession of the philosopher’s stone.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “Just by taking, once a week, on a knife’s point, the quantity of a grain of mustard of the philosopher’s stone, they became as magnificent as Mars, god of war, and like Mars, they begot young Cupids.”

Cupid was the result of an adulterous affair between Mars and Venus.

Surly said, “The decayed vestals of Pict Hatch would thank you. They keep the fire alive, there.”

Pict Hatch was a neighborhood of thieves and prostitutes. In classical antiquity, vestal virgins would tend the fire of a temple. The “decayed vestals of Pict Hatch” are shagged-out prostitutes who tend the fire of syphilis and keep it alive. Syphilis causes a burning sensation during urination.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “The elixir of life is the secret of nature naturized against all infections. It cures all diseases that come from all causes. It can cure a month’s suffering in a day, a year’s suffering in twelve days, and an even longer suffering, no matter how much longer, in a month. It surpasses all the medicinal doses of your drugging doctors. Once I have possession of the philosopher’s stone, I’ll undertake, moreover, to frighten the plague out of the Kingdom of England in three months.”

Surly said, “And I’ll be bound that the players shall sing your praises, then, without their poets.”

The players are theatrical actors. Whenever deaths from the plague exceeded forty per week, the theaters were forced to shut down. The actors would praise Sir Epicure Mammon for making it possible for them to keep the theaters open, and they would do it ex tempore without the need for playwrights to write the words for them.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Sir, I’ll do it. In the meantime, I’ll give so much preservative to my servant that it shall serve the whole city. Each week, each house shall receive a dose, and at the rate —”

Surly interrupted, “As he who built the waterworks does with water!”

In 1582, Peter Moris built a pump-house to deliver, for a fee, water from the Thames River to private houses, and in 1594, Bevis Bulmer built a second pump-house for the same purpose. In 1610, a new aqueduct was under construction.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “You are incredulous. You don’t believe me.”

Surly said, “Indeed, my character is such that I would not willingly be gulled, aka cheated. Your stone cannot transmute me. It cannot change my character.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Pertinax Surly, will you believe antiquity? Will you believe records? I’ll show you a book where Moses and his sister and Solomon have written of the alchemical art. Yes, and I will show you a treatise penned by Adam.”

“Pertinax” means “stubborn.

Some people believed that Adam, the first man, was also the first alchemist. Some people mistakenly conflated Miriam, the sister of the Biblical Moses, with Mary the Jewess, an alchemist who lived in the third century C.E. Some people thought that the Song of Solomon was a coded alchemical text.

“What!” Surly said.

“Adam wrote a treatise on the philosopher’s stone, and in High Dutch.”

Today, we call High Dutch High German.

Surly asked, “Did Adam write, sir, in High Dutch?”

“He did, which proves it was the primitive tongue.”

In 1569, Johannes Goropius Becanus wrote Origines Antwerpianae. In it, he stated that Adam and Eve spoke High Dutch in the Garden of Eden.

Surly asked, “What paper did Adam write on?”

“He wrote on cedar board.”

Surly asked, “Oh, that, indeed, they say, will last against worms.”

Cedar is a long-lasting wood that is resistant to rotting.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “It is like your Irish wood is against cobwebs.”

Saint Patrick was said to have blessed Irish wood by giving it protection against spiders.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “I have a piece of Jason’s fleece, too, which was no other than a book of alchemy, written on a large sheepskin, a good fat ram-vellum.”

Jason and the Argonauts sailed to acquire the Golden Fleece, which alchemists believed to have a book of alchemy written on the skin side.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Such was Pythagoras’ thigh and Pandora’s tub, or box.”

Some people thought that Pythagoras, best known today for his Pythagorean theorem (the square of the hypotenuse — which is the side opposite the right angle — is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides), had a thigh made of gold.

Some people thought that Pandora’s box, in which were the evils that afflict Humankind, was either made of gold or contained the secret of creating the philosopher’s stone.

The alchemists believed that much ancient history contained references to alchemy. For example, Sir Epicure Mammon will now tell Surly that Jason’s quest for the golden fleece is an allegory for an alchemist’s quest for the philosopher’s stone.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Such was all that fable of Medea’s charms; it explained the manner of our work.”

Jason and the Argonauts sailed to Colchis, which was on the shore of the Black Sea. There, the young witch Medea fell in love with Jason and helped him acquire the golden fleece. Jason first used fire-breathing oxen to plow a field, and then he sowed it with dragon’s teeth. Armed warriors grew from the dragon’s teeth. Medea had told Jason to throw a stone into the midst of the warriors. Not knowing where the stone had come from, the warriors fought and killed each other. Jason then went to the tree on which hung the golden fleece. A dragon guarded the golden fleece, but Medea gave Jason a potion that put the dragon to sleep.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “In the allegorical fable the fire-breathing bulls represent the alchemical furnace, which continually breathes fire.

“The dragon represents the alchemical argent vive, which is quicksilver and which is symbolized by a dragon in alchemical texts.”

Argent vive is Latin for “living silver.”

He continued, “The dragon’s teeth represent mercury sublimate, aka chloride of mercury, that keeps the whiteness, hardness, and the biting.

“And the dragon’s teeth are gathered into Jason’s helm, aka helmet, which represents the alchemical piece of equipment known as the alembic (the upper part of the distilling apparatus), and then sowed in Mars’ field (another piece of alchemical equipment: an iron vessel; Mars was the god of iron) and thence sublimed (refined) so often until they’re fixed (solid and stabilized).

“The story of Jason’s quest for the golden fleece, the Hesperian garden, Cadmus’ story, Jove’s shower, the boon of Midas, Argus’ eyes, Giovanni Boccacio’s Demogorgon, and thousands more stories are all abstract allegories about the philosopher’s stone.”

The Hesperides, who are nymphs of the evening, had a garden in which golden apples, guarded by a dragon, grew. One of Hercules’ famous labors was to get possession of these golden apples.

Cadmus sowed a field with dragon’s teeth. Armed warriors grew from the teeth, and then Cadmus fought them until only five were left alive. Cadmus and those five warriors founded the city of Thebes.

King Midas of Crete asked for and received a gift from the god Bacchus: Anything he touched would turn to gold.

Jove appeared before the mortal Danaë in a shower of gold in order to have sex with her.

Argus was a giant with one hundred eyes.

The Italian writer Giovanni Boccacio wrote in his De Genealogia Deorum (On the Geneology of the Gods) that Demogorgon was the origin of all things.

— 2.2 —

Face, wearing the clothing of an alchemist’s assistant, entered the room. His face was bearded and sooty.

“What is it?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked. “Do we succeed? Has our day come? How is it going?”

Face said, “The evening will set red upon you, sir. You have color for it: crimson. The red ferment has done its work. Three hours from now you will see projection — the final part of the process. You will see the philosopher’s stone.”

People believed that the philosopher’s stone was red.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Pertinax, my Surly, again I say to you, out loud, BE RICH. This day, you shall have ingots of precious metal, and, tomorrow, you shall insult proud lords by looking them directly in the face rather than being obsequious to them.”

He said to Face, “Is it, my Zephyrus, right? Does the bolt’s-head flask blush red?”

Zephyrus is the west wind; Sir Epicure Mammon used the word as a new nickname for Face, aka Lungs, who used bellows to keep the fire at the right temperature.

Face replied, “It blushes like a wench, sir, whose pregnancy was just now revealed to her master.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Excellent, witty Lungs!”

He added, “My only care is where to get enough base metal now to project on and turn to gold. This town will not half serve me.”

“It won’t, sir?” Face said. “Then buy the covering off of churches. Their roofs are made of lead.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “That’s true.”

“Yes,” Face said. “Let the churches stand bare-headed, as do their congregations, or cap them — give them a new roof — with wooden shingles.”

“No, good thatch,” Sir Epicure Mammon said. “Thatch will lie light upon the rafters, Lungs.”

With all his wealth, he wanted to re-roof the church with inexpensive thatch — a fire hazard. In 1613, the Globe Theater burned down after its thatch roof caught on fire.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Lungs, I will free you from the furnace, I will restore your complexion to you, Puff — your complexion that you lost in the embers — and I will repair this brain of yours that has been hurt by the fumes of the metals.”

Alchemists’ assistants tended to have wan complexions.

Face said, “I have blown the bellows, sir, hard for your worship. I have thrown to the side many a coal when it was not beech wood, which is needed to create a steady temperature. I have exactly weighed those I put in, in order to keep the heat of the fire always even. 

“These bleared eyes of mine have waked to read the several colors, sir, of the creation of the philosopher’s stone.

“These bleared eyes of mine have seen the pale citron: yellow. 

“These bleared eyes of mine have seen the green lion: green. 

“These bleared eyes of mine have seen the crow: black.

“These bleared eyes of mine have seen the peacock’s tail: multi-colored.

“These bleared eyes of mine have seen the plumed swan: white.”

Sir Epicure Mammon asked, “And, finally, you have descried the flower, the sanguis agni: red?”

“Sanguis agni” is Latin for “blood of the lamb.” Red is the color seen in the last stage of creating the philosopher’s stone.

“Yes, sir,” Face said.

“Where’s your master?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked.

“He’s at his prayers, sir,” Face replied. “Good man that he is, he’s doing his devotions for the success of this project.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Lungs, I will set an end to all your current labors. You shall be the master of my seraglio — my harem.”

“Good, sir,” Face said. 

“But do you hear? I’ll geld you, Lungs,” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

In order to prevent Face, aka Lungs, from having sex with any of the women in Sir Epicure Mammon’s harem, Sir Epicure Mammon would castrate him.

He added, “For I intend to have a list of wives and concubines equal with those of Solomon, who had the philosopher’s stone as will I.”

1 Kings 11:1-3 states this:

1 But king Solomon loved many strange women, together with the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Zidonians, and Hittites:

2 Of the nations concerning which the Lord said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall not go in to them, neither shall they come in unto you: for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods: Solomon clave unto these in love.

3 And he had seven hundred wives, Princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “And with the use of the elixir of life, I will make my back as tough as the back of Hercules, in order to sleep with fifty women a night.”

According to mythology, Hercules had sex with and impregnated the fifty daughters of King Thespius in a single night. (Some sources say only forty-nine of the fifty daughters.)

Sir Epicure Mammon then asked, “You are sure you saw the color of blood?”

“Both blood and spirit, sir,” Face said. “I saw both the correct color and the correct quality.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “I will have all my beds blown up with air, not stuffed. Down is too hard. And I will then have my room filled with such pictures as Tiberius took from Elephantis, and dull Aretine only coldly imitated.”

The Roman Emperor Tiberius had paintings illustrating passages from Elephantis’ pornographic books, and Aretine wrote erotic poems imitating such passages and pictures. Sir Epicure Mammon believed that Aretine’s erotic poetry was dull; it could not compete with his own erotic daydreams.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “Then I will have my mirrors cut in more subtle angles to disperse and multiply the figures, as I walk naked between my succubae.”

Succubae are demons who take the form of women and have sex with men. The word is also used for sluts and prostitutes, but Sir Epicure Mammon may very well have wanted to have sex with female demons.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “I’ll have built a mechanism that will spray perfume into the air of the room so that we can lose ourselves in it, and my baths will be big like pits to fall into. From these my succubae and I will come forth and roll ourselves dry in gossamer and roses.”

He asked Face, “Is it arrived at ruby-red?”

Without waiting for a reply, he continued, “Where I spy a wealthy citizen, or a rich lawyer who has a sublime, pure wife, to that fellow I’ll send a thousand pounds for him to be my cuckold.”

Face, who was interested in money, asked, “And shall I carry it to him?”

Sir Epicure Mammon replied, “No. I’ll have no bawds except fathers and mothers. They will do it best, better than all others.”

He wanted fathers and mothers to be bawds and sell their daughters to satisfy his lust.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “And my flatterers shall be the purest and gravest of divines that I can get for money. My mere Fools shall be eloquent Members of Parliament, and then my poets will be the same who wrote so subtly of the fart — I will employ them to write about that subject.”

In 1607, Sir Henry Ludlow, Member of Parliament, loudly and famously farted during a session of the House of Commons: It was his commentary on a message from the House of Lords. 

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “There are a few men who would give out themselves to be studs at court and in town and everywhere. These men tell lies about ladies who are known to be very innocent of any sexual contact with these braggarts. These men I will hire and I will make them eunuchs. And they shall fan me with ten ostrich tails apiece — tails gathered in a plume to create wind when waved.”

Using another nickname for Face, he continued, “We will be brave, Puff, once we have the medicine, the Philosopher’s Stone.

“My food shall all come in, in Indian shells, dishes of agate set in gold, and studded with emeralds, sapphires, the precious stones known as hyacinths, and rubies.

“I will eat the tongues of carps, dormice, and camels’ heels, boiled in a distillate of gold, and dissolved pearl — Apicius’ diet, against the epilepsy.”

Apicius was a Roman glutton who spent his fortune on food and then committed suicide. As protection against the plague (not epilepsy, as Sir Epicure Mammon had stated), he ate such foods as camels’ heels.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “And I will eat these broths with spoons of amber that are decorated with diamond and carbuncle.

“My footboy shall eat pheasants, calvered salmons, knots, godwits, and lamprey eels.”

Calvered salmons are salmon that have been sliced up while still alive. Sir Epicure Mammon was willing for this to happen if it would make a good dish for him to eat. 

Knots and godwits are species of birds.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “I myself will eat the beards of barbels served, instead of salads.”

The “beards of barbels” are fleshy filiaments of a species of fish. They hang from the fish’s mouth and look like beards.

He continued, “I will eat oiled mushrooms, and I will eat the swelling unctuous paps of a fat pregnant sow, newly cut off and dressed with an exquisite and poignant sauce.”

According to the Roman historian Pliny, a sow’s paps tasted best when cooked after the sow had given birth but before it had suckled its piglets. Sir Epicure Mammon was willing for this to happen if it would make a good dish for him to eat.

He continued, “For which, I’ll say to my cook, ‘There’s gold for you; go forth, and be a Knight.’”

In the reign of King James I, people could purchase Knighthoods.

Face said, “Sir, I’ll go look a little, and see how the alchemical process is going and how the color heightens.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Do.”

Face exited.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “My shirts I’ll have made of the fine silk cloth known as taffeta-sarsnet, which is as soft and light as cobwebs, and as for all my other raiment, it shall be such as might provoke the Persian, if he were to teach the world about riotous and dissipated behavior again.”

The Persian is Sardanapalus, a King of Ninevah who was renowned for luxurious living.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “My gloves will be made of fishes’ and birds’ skins, perfumed with gums of paradise, and eastern air —”

“Gums of paradise” are perfumes from the Middle East, where people believed the Garden of Eden was located.

Surly asked, “And do you think to have the philosopher’s stone with all this?”

Sir Epicure Mammon replied, “No, but I do think to have all this with the philosopher’s stone.”

Surly said, “Why, I have heard, the man who gets the philosopher’s stone must be homo frugi — a frugal man, an honest and temperate man, a pious and holy and religious man, a man free from mortal sin, and a man who is a complete virgin.”

Sir Epicure Mammon replied, “The man who makes the philosopher’s stone must be such a man, sir, but I am buying, not making, it. My investment brings it to me. Subtle the alchemist is an honest wretch; he is a notable, superstitious-in-the-sense-of-believing-religion, good soul. He has worn his knees bare and his slippers bald by praying and fasting for the philosopher’s stone, and, sir, let him do it alone, for me, always.”

Seeing Subtle entering the room, Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Here he comes. Don’t say a profane word in front of him; it is poison.”

— 2.3 —

This was the day the philosopher’s stone was supposed to be completed. Of course, it would not be completed because no such thing as a philosopher’s stone exists or ever will exist. Therefore, Subtle and Face and Doll Common needed to prepare Sir Epicure Mammon for the inevitable failure that would become apparent later. They already knew the excuse they would use, but they had to prepare Sir Epicure Mammon to accept that excuse. 

Subtle and Face also needed to keep Sir Epicure Mammon believing in alchemy. They did that by using many alchemical terms as they talked about “creating” the philosopher’s stone. Basically, this was to appear knowledgeable about alchemy and to baffle Sir Epicure Mammon with bullshit.

Much alchemy was about uniting materials, materials often referred to as male and female. In fact, one piece of alchemical equipment — the bolt’s-head flask — was often decorated with illustrations of copulating couples. The alchemist, however, was supposed to be pure and neither greedy nor immorally horny. Purity was important in the production of the philosopher’s stone.

Sir Epicure Mammon said to Subtle the alchemist, “Good morning, father.”

He was addressing Subtle as if he were a priest — a religious father.

Picking up on that, Subtle said, “Gentle son, good morning, and good morning to your friend there. Who is this man who is with you?”

“He is a heretic, whom I brought along with me in hopes, sir, to convert him,” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

Subtle said, “Son, I fear that you are covetous because thus you meet your time in the just point — you are punctual, or actually, more than punctual. This is the day the philosopher’s stone will be completed, but you have come hours before its completion. You anticipate the success that will occur late in the day by appearing here in the morning. This is evidence that makes me fear that you have a burdensome, unrelenting, and carnal appetite.

“Be careful so that you do not cause the blessing of the philosopher’s stone to leave you on account of your ungoverned haste.”

Earlier, Pertinax Surly had stated that the person who got the philosopher’s stone was supposed to be a man of temperance. Such things as greed and lust could cause failure in the attempt to make a philosopher’s stone. Greed could appear in haste to complete the making of the philosopher’s stone.

Subtle continued, “I would be sorry to see my labors, which are now at the point of perfection, got by staying awake and watching long hours during the night and by much patience, not prosper where my love and zeal has placed them.

“My labors in all aims — I call on Heaven along with yourself, to whom I have poured my thoughts, to witness that what I say is true — have looked no way but to the public good, to pious uses, and to dear charity, which men these days regard as an abnormality.

“Regarding my labors in creating the philosopher’s stone, I say that if you, my son, should now prevaricate and wander from the straight and narrow path of virtue, and to your own particular and personal lusts employ so great and catholic, aka universal, a bliss, be sure that a curse will follow, yes, and overtake and strike a blow against your subtle and most secret ways.”

“I know that, sir,” Sir Epicure Mammon said. “You shall not need to fear me. I have come so early only to have you prove this gentleman wrong in his opinion that alchemy is worthless.”

Surly said, “I am, indeed, sir, somewhat constipative when it comes to producing belief in your philosopher’s stone. I am a man who does not want to be gulled.”

Given his choice of words, Surly regarded belief in the philosopher’s stone as shit.

Subtle said to Sir Epicure Mammon, “Well, son, all that I can convince your friend in is this: THE WORK IS DONE. Bright sol is in his robe — the essence of gold is ready to do its work, just as a judge is who has put on his robe. We have a medicine of the triple soul, the glorified spirit. Thanks be to Heaven, and may Heaven make us worthy of it!”

Subtle may have meant the three spirits (vital, a spirit produced in the heart; natural, a spirit produced in the liver; and animal, a spirit produced in the brain) that linked soul to body. 

Subtle called for Face, “Ulen Spiegel!”

Till Eulenspiegel is a German trickster figure. By calling Face Ulen Spiegel, Subtle was subtly acknowledging Face as a con man.

Face entered the room and said, “At once, sir!”

Now Subtle and Face began to pile on the alchemical jargon to baffle their visitors with bullshit.

Subtle ordered, “Look well to the register, and let your heat still lessen by degrees, to the aludels.”

Face said, “Yes, sir.”

Subtle and Face began to make it appear that they were running simultaneous operations by using letters to refer to different apparati.

“Did you look at the bolt’s-head yet?”

“On which apparatus? On D, sir?”

Subtle replied, “Yes. What’s the complexion?”

Face said, “Whitish.”

“Infuse vinegar, to draw the volatile substance and the tincture, and let the water in glass E be filtered, and put into the gripe’s egg. Lute it well, and leave it closed in balneo.”

“I will, sir.”

Surly said to himself, “What a brave, splendid language is being used here! It’s next to canting.”

“Canting” is using jargon used by thieves; “cant” is thieves’ jargon. Surly meant that the alchemical terms were at least close to being thieves’ terms.

Subtle said to Sir Epicure Mammon, “I have another work going on, son, that you have never seen. Three days since past the philosopher’s wheel, in the lent heat of Athanor this work has become the Sulphur of Nature.”

The Sulphur of Nature is purified sulphur.

“Is it for me?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked.

“What do you need it for?” Subtle asked. “You have enough in that philosopher’s stone, which is perfect.”

“Oh, but —”

Subtle said, “Why, this is covetousness!”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “No, I assure you that I shall employ it all in pious uses. I will found colleges and grammar schools. I will marry young virgins. I will build hospitals, and now and then a church.”

He probably meant for Subtle to think that he — Sir Epicure Mammon — would get young virgins married by providing dowries for them, but readers can be forgiven if they thought that Sir Epicure Mammon would “marry” young virgins for one night and discard them the following morning.

Face returned.

“What is it?” Subtle asked.

Face said, “Sir, if it pleases you, shall I not change the filter?”

“By the Virgin Mary, yes. And bring me the complexion of glass B.”

Face exited.

“Have you another?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked.

He was asking if they were making a second philosopher’s stone.

Subtle replied, “Yes, son. If I were sure that your piety is firm, we would not lack the means to glorify it, but I hope the best. I mean to tinct C in a bath of sand to diffuse the heat tomorrow, and give it imbibition.”

Sir Epicure Mammon, who had been around Subtle the alchemist long enough to recognize some of the alchemical terms, asked, “Of white oil?”

“No, sir, of red,” Subtle said. “F is come over the helm, too, I thank my maker, in Saint Mary’s bath, and shows lac virginis. Blessed be Heaven!”

“Lac virginis is Latin for “milk of the virgin.” Alchemists used it to refer to mercury.

Subtle continued, “I sent you of his sediment there calcined. Out of that calx, I have won the salt of mercury.”

“By pouring on your rectified water?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked. 

“Yes,” Subtle replied, “and reverberating in Athanor.”

Face returned.

“What’s the news?” Subtle asked. “What color is it?”

“The ground is black, sir,” Face said.

Sir Epicure Mammon asked, “That’s your crow’s head?”

Surly said to himself, “Your cockscomb, is it not?”

Some professional Fools wear a hat resembling a cockscomb.

Subtle said to Sir Epicure Mammon, “No, it is not perfect. I wish it were the crow! That work lacks something.”

Surly said to himself, “Oh, I looked for this.” 

He knew that Subtle and Face were con men and would not be able to produce the philosopher’s stone. He figured that they would say that something had gone wrong in their attempt to make the philosopher’s stone.

Surly said to himself, “The hay’s a pitching.”

A rabbit’s burrow has two holes, two ways to enter and exit. Trappers would pitch (throw) a hay (net) over one of burrow holes and send a ferret down the other hole. To escape the ferret, the rabbit would come out of the hole and be caught in the net. Surly believed that Subtle and Face were preparing a trap for Sir Epicure Mammon.

Subtle asked Face, “Are you sure you loosed them in their own menstrue!”

Face replied, “Yes, sir, and then married them, and put them in a bolt’s-head nipped to digestion, according as you bade me, when I set the liquor of Mars to circulation in the same heat.”

Bolt’s-head flasks can be connected to other pieces of equipment. Marriage was an important concept in alchemy and referred to union of pieces of equipment or to union of materials in a flask. 

Subtle said, “The process then was right.”

Face replied, “Yes, by the token, sir, the retort broke, and what was saved was put into the pelican, and signed with Hermes’ seal.”

The pelican is a distilling flask with a neck that curves down and joins to itself. It is called a pelican because people thought it resembled a pelican biting itself. People at this time thought that pelicans bit themselves to draw blood to feed their young.

Instead of saying “Hermes’ seal,” we now say “hermetically sealed.”

Subtle said, “I think it was right. We should have a new amalgama.”

Surly said to himself, “Oh, this ferret is as rank and stinky as any polecat.”

Subtle added, “But I don’t care. Let it even die; we have enough besides in embrion. H has its white shirt on?”

“In embrion” means “in the early stages.”

“Has its white shirt on” means “has turned white.”

“Yes, sir,” Face said. “It’s ripe for inceration; it stands warm in its ash-fire. I wish that you wouldn’t let any die now, if I might counsel you, sir, for luck’s sake to the rest. Letting some die is not good.”

“He says the right thing,” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

Surly said to himself, “Have you — Sir Epicure Mammon — bolted from your burrow and been caught in the net?”

Face said, “I know it, sir. I have seen the ill fortune that comes from letting some of it die. What we need is some three ounces of fresh materials.”

“No more than that?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked.

“No more, sir,” Face said. “We need three more ounces of gold to amalgame with some six ounces of mercury.”

“Go and get the materials,” Sir Epicure Mammon said. “How much money do you need?”

“Ask him, sir,” Face said.

Sir Epicure Mammon asked Subtle, “How much?”

“Give him nine pounds,” Subtle said. “No, you better give him ten.”

Surly said to himself, “Yes, give him twenty pounds, and you’ll be cheated, if you do.”

“There it is,” Sir Epicure Mammon said, giving Face the money.

“This is not necessary,” Subtle said, “except that you will have it so, so that you can see the conclusions of all of it: You don’t want to see any of it die.”

He paused and then added, “Two of our inferior works are at fixation, but a third is in ascension.”

As Face knew, he was referring to Dapper and Drugger as the inferior works; they were small fish — and suckers — in comparison to Sir Epicure Mammon, who was the man they were making the most money from. 

Subtle then said to Face, “Go,” but he added, “Have you set the oil of luna in kemia?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And the philosopher’s vinegar?”

“Yes,” Face said, and then he exited.

Hearing the references to oil and vinegar, Surly said to himself, “We shall have a salad!”

He was punning. He knew something about alchemy, which is why he knew it is a scam, and he knew that “salad” was a real alchemical term referring to a mixture of certain materials.

Sir Epicure Mammon asked, “When do you make projection?”

Subtle replied, “Son, don’t be hasty. I exalt our medicine, by hanging him in balneo vaporoso, and giving him solution, and then congeal him, and then dissolve him, and then again congeal him.”

Balneo vaporoso is a steam bath in which Subtle would suspend a glass flask.

Subtle continued, “For look, as often as I iterate the work, so many times I add to the philosopher stone’s virtue and strength.”

He was referring to multiplication, which is refining the philosopher’s stone to increase its potency so that a little of the philosopher’s stone will turn a vast quantity of base metal into gold. Multiplication involved, in part, what alchemists referred to “solution.”

Subtle continued, “As, if after one solution one ounce of the philosopher’s stone will convert a hundred ounces of base metal into gold or silver, after its second solution one ounce of the philosopher’s stone will convert a thousand ounces of base metal into gold or silver.

“After its third solution, one ounce of the philosopher’s stone will convert ten thousand ounces of base metal into gold or silver.

“After its fourth solution, one ounce of the philosopher’s stone will convert a hundred thousand ounces of base metal into gold or silver.

“After its fifth solution, one ounce of the philosopher’s stone will convert a thousand thousand ounces of base metal into gold or silver. 

“This will be pure gold or silver, as will be shown by all examinations; it will be as good as the gold or silver that comes out of a natural mine.

“Bring your metal stuff here in preparation for this afternoon so that it can be turned into precious metals. Bring here your brass, your pewter, and your andirons.”

Andirons hold the burning logs in a fireplace.

Sir Epicure Mammon asked, “Not those of iron?”

“Yes, you may bring them, too,” Subtle said. “We’ll change all kinds of base metals.”

Sir Epicure Mammon thought that Subtle would change all kinds of base metals into gold or silver.

Surly said to himself, “I believe you when you say that.”

Surly believed that Subtle would change possession of all kinds of base metals from Sir Epicure Mammon to Subtle.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Then may I send my spits?”

Subtle replied, “Yes, and your racks.”

Racks support the spits when they are used for roasting meat.

Surly asked, “And shall he bring dripping-pans, and pot-hangers, and hooks?”

Subtle replied, “If he pleases —”

Surly interrupted, “— to be an ass.”

“What do you mean, sir?” Subtle asked.

Sir Epicure Mammon said to Subtle, “You must bear with this gentleman. I told you he had no faith.”

“And little hope, sir,” Surly said. “But much less charity, if I should gull and deceive myself.”

1 Corinthians 13:13 states, “And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity” (King James Bible).

Subtle asked Surly, “Why, what have you observed, sir, in our art of alchemy, that seems so impossible?”

Surly replied, “Only your whole work of alchemy, no more. That you should hatch gold in a furnace, sir, just like they hatch eggs in a furnace in Egypt!”

According to the Roman historian Pliny, eggs were incubated in Egypt.

Subtle asked Surly, “Sir, do you believe that eggs are hatched so?”

“What if I do?” Surly asked.

Subtle replied, “Why, I think that the greater miracle is a chicken being produced from — hatching out of — an egg. The lesser miracle is gold being produced from a base metal. An egg is much more different from a chicken than lead is from gold.”

“That cannot be,” Surly said. “The egg’s ordained by nature to that end; the egg is a chicken in potentia.”

“In potentia” is Latin for “potentially.”

Subtle said, “We alchemists say the same thing about lead and other metals: They would become gold, if they had enough time.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “The art of alchemy is to speed that process up; alchemists change lead into gold much more quickly than it happens naturally.”

Subtle said, “That is true. It would be absurd to think that nature bred perfect gold in the earth in an instant. Gold did not come from nothing. Something existed before gold. Remote matter must have existed.”

According to alchemy, remote matter is what came before gold and everything else. Remote matter is the original indeterminate matter and/or essence from which everything else developed.

Surly asked, “What is that?”

Subtle began, “Indeed, we alchemists say —”

Sir Epicure Mammon interrupted, “— now it heats. Stand, father, pound him to dust.”

Subtle continued, using much alchemical jargon, “It is, of the one part, a humid exhalation, which we call materia liquida, or the unctuous water.”

“Materia liquida” is Latin for “liquid matter.”

Subtle continued, “On the other part, a certain crass and viscous portion of earth; both which, concorporate, do make the elementary matter of gold, which is not yet propria materia, but is common to all metals and all stones.”

“Concorporate” means “united in one body.”

“Propria material” is Latin for “a particular substance.”

Subtle continued, “For, where it is forsaken of that moisture, and has more dryness, it becomes a stone.

“Where it retains more of the humid fatness, it turns to sulphur, or to quicksilver, which are the parents of all other metals.

“Nor can this remote matter suddenly progress so from extreme to extreme as to grow gold immediately and leap over all the intermediate steps.

“Nature first begets the imperfect, and then she proceeds to the perfect. 

“From that airy and oily water, mercury is engendered. From the fat and earthy part, sulphur is engendered.

“The latter, sulphur, supplies the place of male, while mercury supplies the place of female, in all metals. The male is active and acts, while the female is passive and suffers.

“Some alchemists believe in hermaphrodeity — that both do act and suffer. 

“But these two make the rest ductile, malleable, extensive.

“And they are even in gold, for we alchemists find seeds of them, by our fire, and gold in them. And we alchemists can produce the species of each metal more perfect, by our fire, than nature does in earth.”

Alchemists thought that it was possible to produce the essence of each metal. This included the essence of gold, which would produce more gold. The philosopher’s stone is the essence of gold, and throwing powdered philosopher’s stone on a base metal would turn the base metal to gold.

Subtle continued, “Besides, who does not see in daily practice that art can beget bees, hornets, beetles, and wasps out of the carcasses and dung of creatures.”

This society believed that carcasses and dung could produce living insects. It was unaware that insects lay eggs on carcasses and dung.

We would say that nature begets bees, hornets, beetles, and wasps out of the carcasses and dung of creatures, but Subtle claimed that art — human intervention — “can beget bees, hornets, beetles, and wasps out of the carcasses and dung of creatures.” In fact, some people believed that the carcasses of cattle could be used to produce bees, while the carcasses of horses and donkeys were good only to produce wasps and hornets.

Subtle continued, “Yes, and scorpions can be produced from the herb basil, being ritely and rightly placed.

“And these are living creatures, which are far more perfect and excellent than metals.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Well said, father!”

He then said to Surly, “If he take you in hand, sir, with an argument, he’ll bray — pound and crush — you to powder in a mortar.”

Proverbs 27:22 states, “Though thou shouldest bray a fool in a mortar among wheat with a pestle, yet will not his foolishness depart from him” (King James Version).

Surly said, “Please, sir, wait a moment. Rather than I’ll be brayed, sir, I’ll believe that alchemy is a pretty kind of game, somewhat like tricks of the cards, to cheat a man with magic.”

“Sir?” Subtle said.

Surly said, “What else are all your terms, whose meaning no one of your writers agrees with another!”

Often, what an alchemist calls mercury is not what we call mercury. We are likely to refer to the element mercury, which is found in nature, but an alchemist may or may not be referring to philosophic or philosophical mercury. Many alchemical terms have more than one meaning or are used differently by different alchemists. Many alchemists don’t even agree on the steps needed to produce the philosopher’s stone. After all, alchemy is false science.

Surly continued, “What else are your elixir, your lac virginis, your philosopher’s stone, your great medicine, and your chrysosperme?

“What else are your sal, your sulphur, and your mercury?

“What else are your oil of height, your tree of life, your blood, your marchesite, your tutie, your magnesia, your toad, your crow, your dragon, and your panther?

“What else are your Sun, your Moon, your firmament, your adrop?

“What else are your lato, azoch, zernich, chibrit, heautarit?

“And then what else are your red man, and your white woman, with all your broths, your menstrues, and materials of piss and eggshells, women’s terms (menses), man’s blood, hair of the head, burnt rags, chalk, merds (turds, aka shit), and clay, powder of bones, scalings of iron, glass, and worlds of other strange ingredients that would burst a man to name?”

All these things Surly had named were used in the production of the philosopher’s stone, which is the essence of gold and is used to produce more gold. Therefore, we can say that if alchemy were true, then gold is literally made of such things as piss, menstrual discharge, and shit. (All of these things are natural and the result of valuable and necessary human biological functions, but they are not the sorts of things we value for themselves.)

Of course, alchemy cannot produce a philosopher’s stone. Instead, con men deal in the greed for gold. The con men are greedy for the gold, aka wealth, of other people, and the people the con men cheat are greedy for the gold that they think possession of the philosopher’s stone will give them. We may want to say that the greed for gold is like piss, menstrual discharge, and shit.

1 Timothy 6:10 (the first of Saint Paul’s letters to Timothy) states, “For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows” (King James Version).

Subtle replied, “All these names and terms were created with one intention: Our alchemical writers used them to obscure their art. They wrote about secret things, and they wrote in such a secret way so that the uninitiated would not understand the alchemical writings.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said to Subtle, “Sir, I told him that. The alchemists wrote that way because the simple idiot should not learn the art of alchemy and make it vulgar and commonplace.”

Subtle asked Surly, “Wasn’t all the knowledge of the Egyptians written in the mystic symbols of the hieroglyphs? Don’t the scriptures often speak in parables? Aren’t the choicest fables of the poets, fables that are the fountains and first springs of wisdom, wrapped in perplexing allegories?”

Sir Epicure Mammon said to Subtle, “I made that argument to him, and I explained to him that Sisyphus was damned to roll the ceaseless stone only because he would have made our stone — the philosopher’s stone — common.”

Sisyphus was condemned in the Land of the Dead to roll a stone eternally up a hill, only to have the stone roll down again before it reached the top. According to Sir Epicure Mammon, this was Sisyphus’ punishment for attempting to reveal the secret of how to make the philosopher’s stone.

Just as Sir Epicure Mammon said the word “common,” a well-dressed Doll Common appeared at the door.

Seeing her, Sir Epicure Mammon asked, “Who is this?”

Pretending to be upset, Subtle cursed, “By God’s precious blood!”

He then said to Doll Common, “What do you mean by coming here? Go inside the other room, good lady — please!”

She exited.

Still pretending to be upset, Subtle then shouted, “Where’s that varlet?”

Face entered the room and said, “Sir.”

Subtle said, “You complete knave! Is this how you treat me!”

“What do you mean, sir?” Face asked.

Pointing at the door where Doll had appeared, Subtle said, “Go in that room and see, you traitor. Go!”

Face exited.

Sir Epicure Mammon asked, “Who is she, sir?”

“No one, sir; no one,” Subtle replied.

“What’s the matter, good sir?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked. “I have not seen you this upset. Who is she?”

Subtle attempted to resume the argument about alchemy: “All arts have always had, sir, their adversaries, but ours are the most ignorant —”

Face returned.

“What now?” Subtle said.

“It was not my fault, sir,” Face said. “She wants to speak with you.”

“She wants to, does she, sir!” Subtle said. “Follow me.”

He exited through the door where had been.

Face started to follow him, but Sir Epicure Mammon said to him, “Stay, Lungs.”

“I dare not stay, sir,” Face replied.

“Stay, man,” Sir Epicure Mammon repeated. “Who is she?”

“She is a lord’s sister, sir,” Face said.

“She is!” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

Face attempted to exit, but Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Please, stay.”

Face said, “She’s mad, insane, sir, and she was sent here — but I need to leave or Subtle will be mad, too.”

“I will protect you from his anger,” Sir Epicure Mammon said, and then he asked, “Why was she sent here?”

“Sir, to be cured,” Face said.

Subtle called from the other room, “Why, where are you, you rascal?”

“Look, you. I said this would happen,” Face said to Sir Epicure Mammon.

He then called, “Coming, sir!”

He exited.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Before God, I say that she is a Bradamante, a splendid piece.”

Bradamante was a female Christian Knight in Ariosto’s Orlando Furioso, a popular epic. She possessed a spear that made her invincible.

Knowing Sir Epicure Mammon, he meant that Doll Common was both a splendid masterpiece and a splendid piece of ass.

Surly said, “By God’s heart, this is a bawdy house! I am willing to be burnt as a heretic if that is not the case.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Oh, by this light, no — this is not a bawdy house. Do not wrong Subtle the alchemist by saying that. He’s very scrupulous to avoid such things: It is his vice.

“No, he’s a splendid physician, so do him right. He is an excellent Paracelsian, and he has done remarkable cures with mineral medicine. He deals all with spirits, he; he will not hear a word of Galen, or his tedious recipes.”

A Paracelsian is a follower of Paracelsus, who rejected the teachings of the Greek physician Galen. This was a good thing because many physicians blindly followed Galen, who lived many centuries earlier. Paracelsus advocated finding new knowledge about how to cure patients. He was right to do this, but many of his ideas were incorrect and not scientific. The spirits dealt with could be either distilled spirits or supernatural spirits or both.

Face entered the room.

Seeing him, Sir Epicure Mammon asked, “What’s going on, Lungs?”

Face replied, “Quietly, sir. Speak quietly. I meant to have told your worship everything you want to know about the woman.”

He indicated Surly and said, “This man must not hear.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “No, he can listen. He will not be ‘gulled.’ Let him alone. He can listen.”

“You are very right, sir,” Face said. “The woman is a most splendid scholar, and she has gone mad by studying the works of Hugh Broughton, one of whose challenging and controversial works is about Hebrew genealogy. If you but name a word touching the Hebrew, she falls into her fit, and she will discourse so learnedly of genealogies that you would run mad, too, to hear her, sir.”

Sir Epicure Mammon asked, “What might one do to have conference with her, Lungs?”

“Conference” meant a conversation, but knowing Sir Epicure Mammon, we have to think that he wanted to have “conference” with her in bed.

Face replied, “Oh, many men have run mad upon the conference. I do not know, sir. I have been sent to quickly fetch a vial.”

Surly said, “Don’t be gulled, Sir Mammon. Don’t be a fool.”

“Gulled in what?” Sir Epicure Mammon said. “Please, be calm.”

“Yes, as you are,” Surly said. “Be calm and trust confederate knaves and bawds and whores.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said to Surly, “You are too foul, believe it.”

He added, “Come here, Ulen. One word.”

Face said, “I dare not stay, in good faith.”

He attempted to leave, but Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Stay, knave.”

A knave is a servant who ranks well below a knight. Sir Epicure was a knight.

Face said, “Subtle the alchemist is extremely angry that you saw her, sir.”

Mammon gave him some money and said, “Drink that.”

He then asked Face, “What is she like when she’s out of her fit — when she’s sane?”

Face replied, “Oh, she is the most affable woman, sir! So merry! So pleasant! She’ll mount you up, like quicksilver, over the helm, and she will circulate like oil, a true stimulant.”

Face’s words had a double meaning. He was using alchemical terms that stated that Doll Common was a volatile substance. His words also had a bawdy interpretation. Doll would mount a man and be on top over the helmet-shaped tip of his penis, and she would be slippery like oil and circulate and move and be a stimulant to the man.

Face added, “She will discourse about politics, about mathematics, about bawdry, about anything.”

This interested Sir Epicure Mammon: She was willing to talk about bawdry and to perform it.

He asked Face, “Is she in any way accessible? Can I meet her? Is there any means, any trick to give a man a taste of her … intelligence … or so?”

Subtle called from the other room, “Ulen!”

Face said to Sir Epicure Mammon, “I’ll come back to you again, sir.”

Face exited.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Surly, I did not think one of your breeding would speak badly about personages of worth.”

Surly replied, “Sir Epicure, I am your friend and I am at your service, yet always I am loath to be gulled: I do not want to be cheated. I do not like your philosophical bawds. Their philosopher’s stone is lechery enough to pay for without this bait.”

At this time, “lechery” meant “luxurious pleasure” in addition to “lewd indulgence.” The philosopher’s stone would give many people luxurious pleasure. The bait — sexual, of course — was Doll Common.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “You abuse yourself; you are wrong.”

He then lied, “I know the lady, and her friends, and her means. I know the origin of this disaster. Her brother has told me everything.”

Surly, who knew that Sir Epicure Mammon had not recognized Doll Common, said, “And yet you never saw her until just now!”

Sir Epicure Mammon lied, “Oh, yes, I have seen her before, but I forgot. I have, believe it, one of the most treacherous memories, I think, of all Mankind.”

Surly asked, “What is her brother’s name?”

“My lord —” Sir Epicure Mammon began. 

He thought for a moment and then said, “He will not have his name known, now I think about it.”

Surly said, “You certainly do have a very treacherous memory!”

Sir Epicure Mammon began, “By my faith —”

Surly interrupted, “Tut, if you have it not about you, forget it, until we next meet.”

The “it” could mean “faith” or “the brother’s name.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “I swear by this hand of mine that it is true. Her brother is a man whom I honor, and he is my noble friend, and I respect his family.”

Surly said, “Can it be that a grave sir, a rich man, who has no need, a wise sir, too, at other times, should thus with his own oaths and arguments work so hard to gull himself? I am talking about you.

“If this is your elixir, your lapis mineralis, and your lunary, give me your honest trick yet at primero, or gleek — and you can have your lutum sapiensis, your menstruum simplex! I’ll have gold before you, and with less danger of the quicksilver or the hot sulphur.”

Surly used many alchemical terms, but his meaning was that if this is alchemy, then he would prefer to take his chances gambling at the card games primero or gleek. A trick is a hand of cards, but Surly’s use of it included the meaning of cheating. Card sharping, to Surly, was a more honest way of being cheated than paying money for the creation of the philosopher’s stone. In a card game with a card sharp, there is still a chance of being lucky with cards and walking away a winner. Therefore, Surly would have gold before Sir Epicure Mammon would. (And Surly himself might be the card sharp.) Also, considering the absence of Doll Common, Surly would have less chance of contracting a venereal disease that would need to be treated with quicksilver or a contagious skin disease that would need to be treated with hot sulphur.

Face returned.

Face said to Surly, “A messenger has come from Captain Face, sir, to tell you that Captain Face wants you to meet him in the Temple Church, approximately a half hour from now, upon earnest business.”

Face handed Surly a note, and as Surly read it, Face whispered to Sir Epicure Mammon, “If you please to leave us for now, and come back again in approximately two hours, my master Subtle will be busy examining the alchemical works, and I will steal you in, in private, to the woman, so that you may see her converse.”

He then said out loud to Surly, “Sir, shall I say that you’ll meet Captain Face?”

“Yes, sir, I will meet him,” Surly replied.

Surly thought to himself, I will meet him, but by attorney, and for a second, different purpose than his.

“By attorney” meant “not in his own person.” Surly was already forming a plan to expose the con men.

Surly thought to himself, Now I am sure it is a bawdy house. I’d swear to it if the Marshal were here to thank me. The naming of this commander confirms it. Don Face! Captain Face! Why, he’s the most authentic dealer in these commodities, the superintendent to all the quainter traffickers in town!

In this society, the word “quaint” also meant “cunt.” The “commodities” Captain Face was known to deal in were prostitutes. “Quainter traffickers” are bawds and pimps.

Surly thought to himself, Captain Face is the Visitor, and he appoints who lies with whom, and at what hour, at what price, and which gown and smock and other clothing.

A Visitor in this context is an inspector or superintendent who makes sure that everything is running smoothly. 

Surly thought to himself, I will test him, by a third person — myself in disguise — in order to find the subtleties, by which I mean tricks and deceits, of this dark labyrinth.

Alchemists often described the search for the philosopher’s stone as a kind of labyrinth.

Surly thought to himself, If I do discover these subtleties, dear Sir Mammon, you’ll give me, your poor friend, permission, although I am no philosopher, to laugh, for you who are a philosopher, it is thought, shall weep.

Democritus was known as the laughing philosopher, and Heraclitus was known as the crying philosopher. Democritus laughed at human follies, while Heraclitus cried over human follies.

Face said to Surly, “Sir, he asks you to please not forget to meet him.”

Surly replied, “I will not forget, sir.”

He then said, “Sir Epicure, I shall leave you.”

As Surly exited, Sir Epicure Mammon said, “I will follow you quickly.”

“Do so, good sir, to avoid suspicion that you will meet with the woman later,” Face said. “This gentleman Surly has a parlous head.”

Surly’s mind was dangerous because it was sharp.

Sir Epicure Mammon asked, “But will you, Ulen, keep your promise?”

“I will be as careful to keep my promise as I am careful to keep my life, sir.”

“And will you insinuate what I am, and praise me, and say that I am a noble fellow?”

“Oh, what else, sir?” Face said. “And I’ll tell her that you’ll make her royal, an Empress, with the philosopher’s stone, and that you’ll make yourself the King of Bantam, capital of the very wealthy island Java.”

“Stone” meant the philosopher’s stone, but the word was also slang for “testicle.” Sir Epicure Mammon would use the wealth that he got from the philosopher’s stone to make her royal, and he would use his stones to treat her another way.

Sir Epicure Mammon asked. “Will you do that?”

“I will, sir,” Face replied.

“Lungs, my Lungs! I love and respect you.”

Face said, “Send your metal stuff, sir, so that my master may busy himself about projection and turning them into gold.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said affectionately, “You have bewitched me, rogue. Take this money, and go.”

He gave Face some money.

Face said, “Bring your jack, and all your other metal, sir.”

A jack was an iron mechanism using metal weights on chains to turn the spit in a fireplace.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “You are a villain. I will send my jack, and the weights, too. Slave, I could affectionately bite your ear. Go away, you do not care for me.”

“Don’t I, sir?” Face asked.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Come, I was born to make you, my good weasel, sit on a bench, and have you twirl a chain with the best lord’s vermin of them all.”

The chain was an insignia of office; the steward of a wealthy household had a chain. Lords wore ermine trimming on their robes; the ermine trimming was jokingly called vermin. Sir Epicure Mammon was saying that he was born to make Face rise in the world. (Earlier he had said that he would castrate Face and put him in charge of Sir Epicure’s harem.)

“Leave now, sir,” Face said. 

Sir Epicure Mammon began, “A Count — no, a Count Palatine —”

A Count Palatine had more power and status than a mere Count.

Face interrupted, “Good sir, go.”

Sir Epicure Mammon finished, “— shall not advance you in life better, nor faster, than I will.”

He exited.

— 2.4 —

Subtle and Doll Common entered the room.

Using a fishing metaphor, Subtle asked about Sir Epicure Mammon, “Did he bite? Did he bite?”

Face replied, “Yes, and he has swallowed the bait, too, my Subtle. I have given him line, and now he plays, indeed.”

“And shall we twitch the pole and hook him?” Subtle asked.

“Yes, and through both gills,” Face said. “A wench is a rare bait with which a man no sooner’s taken, but he immediately moves briskly and madly — he firks madly.”

Such movements can be made during sex.

Subtle said, “Doll, you who will be my Lord What’t’s’hum’s sister, you must now bear yourself statelich.”

Statelich is Dutch for “stately and aristocratically.”

“Oh, leave it to me,” Doll said. “I’ll not forget my race, I promise you.”

She meant both that she would not forget her background and that she would not forget who she was going to pretend to be.

She added, “I’ll keep my distance, laugh, and talk aloud, have all the tricks of a proud scurvy lady, and be as rude as her woman servant.”

A proud scurvy lady’s woman servant would be rude to someone such as Doll Common.

Face said, “Well said, Sanguine!”

A sanguine person is thought to be amorous, optimistic, and brave.

Subtle asked, “But will he send his andirons?”

“Yes,” Face replied. “He will send his jack, too, and his iron shoeing-horn. I have spoken to him.”

Referring to Surly, Face added, “Well, I must not lose my wary gamester yonder.”

Subtle said, “He is Monsieur Caution, who will not be gulled.”

Face said, “Yes. If only I can strike a fine hook into him, now! I have cast my hook at the Temple Church. Well, pray for me. I’ll go about it.”

Knocking sounded at the door.

Subtle said, “What, more gudgeons!”

Gudgeons were small fish that were thought to swallow anything.

Subtle said, “Doll, scout, scout!”

Doll Common went to the window to see who was knocking.

Subtle said, “Wait, Face, you must go to the door. I pray to God that the knocker is my Anabaptist.”

Anabaptists were members of what was thought to be an extreme Protestant sect. They believed in adult baptism, common ownership of property, and theocracy. Some Anabaptists wanted to ban all books except the Bible.

Subtle asked, “Who is it, Doll?”

“I don’t know him,” Doll answered. “He looks like a gold-end man.”

A gold-end man would buy bits and pieces of gold and silver. 

“Good,” Subtle said. “It is the man the Anabaptist said he would send. He said he would send … what do you call him? Ah, the sanctified elder, who would bargain to buy Sir Epicure Mammon’s jack and andirons. 

“Let him in.”

Face exited.

Subtle said to Doll, “Wait, first help me take off my gown.”

A gown is a loose, flowing upper garment.

Doll helped him take it off, and then Subtle said to her, “Go, Madam, to your withdrawing chamber.”

Doll exited, carrying the gown.

Subtle said to himself, “Now, in a new tune, with a new gesture, but using old language. This fellow is sent from one who is negotiating with me about the philosopher’s stone, too. He is negotiating on behalf of the holy brethren of Amsterdam, the exiled saints, who hope to raise their discipline and increase its power and influence by it.”

The holy brethren of Amsterdam and the exiled saints were the Anabaptists. 

In 1534, the Anabaptist John of Leiden seized control of Münster, Germany, and called himself King of Münster. The Anabaptists also tried but failed to take control of some Dutch towns, including Amsterdam. After a long siege, the city was taken back and John of Leiden was tortured and executed. This event made people believe that Anabaptists were dangerous radicals. Many Anabaptists left Amsterdam and resided in England.

In 1604, many Anabaptists left England and went into exile in Amsterdam because they refused to accept the 39 Articles that spelled out the beliefs and doctrines of the Church of England.

Ben Jonson’s play The Alchemist was first performed in 1610.

Subtle said to himself, “I must treat him in some strange fashion, now, to make him wonder at me.”

— 2.5 —

Ananias entered the room.

Subtle said loudly, “Where is my drudge?”

Face entered the room and said, “Sir!”

It was time to baffle Ananias with alchemical bullshit.

Subtle ordered, “Take away the recipient, and rectify your menstrue from the phlegma. Then pour it on the Sol, in the cucurbite, and let them macerate together.”

The recipient is the vessel in which distilled matter collects.

“Yes, sir,” Face said. “Should I save the ground?”

The ground is the residue left over after sublimation. Another name for it is terra damnata, which is Latin for “damned ground.”

“No,” Subtle replied. “Terra damnata must not have entrance in the work.”

Pretending to see Ananias for the first time, Subtle asked him, “Who are you?”

“A faithful brother, if it pleases you,” Ananias replied.

By “faithful brother,” Ananias meant “Anabaptist,” but Subtle deliberately misunderstood him to say that he was a fellow alchemist — the Faithful Brothers were a group of Arabian alchemists in the tenth century C.E.

“What’s that?” Subtle asked. “Are you a Lullianist — a follower of the alchemist Raymond Lully! Are you a follower of the alchemist George Ripley? Are you a filius artis?”

Filius artis is Latin for “son of the art,” aka alchemist.

Subtle asked, “Can you sublime and dulcify? Can you calcine? Do you know the sapor pontic? Sapor stiptic? Or what is homogene, or heterogene?”

Sapor is Latin for “savor,” or “taste.” Some people at this time believed that there were nine tastes; five were caused by heat, and four were caused by cold.

“I understand no heathen language, truly,” Ananias said.

The Anabaptists believed that Latin was a heathen language. The only non-heathen language was Hebrew because Adam spoke it in the Garden of Eden, Anabaptists believed.

“Heathen!” Subtle said. “You Knipperdolling!”

Bernt Knipperdolling was one of the Anabaptists who had taken over the city of Münster. He was tortured and executed after the city was retaken.

Subtle asked, “Is ars sacra, or chrysopoeia, or spagyrica, or the pamphysic, or panarchic knowledge, a heathen language!”

Ars sacra is Latin for “the sacred art.” Subtle used this Latin phrase to mean alchemy.

“It is heathen Greek, I take it,” Ananias said.

“What!” Subtle said. “Heathen Greek!”

“All languages are heathen except the Hebrew,” Ananias said.

Subtle said to Face, “Sirrah, my varlet, stand forth and speak to him like a philosopher.”

Face was supposed to be Subtle’s assistant. The word “varlet” meant “assistant.”

Subtle was going to question Face as if Subtle were a university professor and Face were a student.

Subtle then said to Face, “Answer my questions in the alchemical language. Name the vexations, and the martyrizations of metals in the work.”

Subtle used alchemical terms, but he used a few alchemical terms that were similar, at least in sound, to religious terms. He wanted Ananias to think that alchemical language was not a heathen language. 

Face answered, “Sir, putrefaction, solution, ablution, sublimation, cohobation, calcination, ceration, and fixation.”

Subtle said to Ananias, “This is heathen Greek, to you, is it!”

He then asked Face, “And when does vivification come?”

Face answered, “After mortification.”

Subtle asked, “What’s cohobation?”

Face answered, “It is the pouring on your aqua regis, and then drawing him off, to the trine circle of the seven spheres.”

Alchemists often referred to materials as “him” or “her” and as “masculine” or “feminine.” They also often referred to “your” materials.

Aqua regis is Latin for “King’s water.” It was a mixture of acids that could dissolve gold.

Subtle asked, “What’s the proper passion of metals?”

Face answered, “Malleation.”

Subtle asked, “What’s your ultimum supplicium auri?”

Ultimum supplicium auri is Latin for “the ultimate punishment of gold.”

Face answered, “Antimonium.”

This is a substance that keeps gold from being malleable; to alchemists, not being malleable is the ultimate punishment of gold.

Subtle said to Ananias, “This is heathen Greek to you!”

He then asked Face, “And what’s your mercury?”

Face answered, “A very fugitive, he will be gone, sir.”

Mercury is a liquid at room temperature and is difficult or impossible to pick up using only your fingers.

Subtle asked, “How do you know him?”

“Him” referred to mercury.

Face answered, “By his viscosity, his oleosity, and his suscitability.”

Subtle asked, “How do you sublime him?”

Face answered, “With the calce of eggshells, white marble, talc.”

Subtle asked, “Your magisterium, now, what’s that?”

The “magisterium” is the “mastery of alchemy.” The person who has mastered alchemy can create the philosopher’s stone. Some people equated the magisterium with the philosopher’s stone.

Face answered, “Shifting, sir, your elements — dry into cold, cold into moist, moist into hot, hot into dry.”

According to alchemy, subjecting a primary material to this sequence of shifting would drive away everything that was not the essence of the primary element. Do this to the primary element gold and you will be left with the essence of gold, aka the philosopher’s stone.

Subtle said to Ananias, “This is heathen Greek to you still!”

Subtle asked Face, “What is your lapis philosophicus?”

Lapis philosophicus is Latin for “philosopher’s stone.”

Face answered, “It is a stone, and not a stone. It is a spirit, a soul, and a body. If you dissolve it, it is dissolved. If you coagulate it, it is coagulated. If you make it fly, it flies.”

Subtle said, “Enough.”

Face exited.

Subtle said to Ananias, “This is heathen Greek to you! Who are you, sir?”

Ananias answered, “If it should please you, I am a servant of the exiled brethren, who deal with widows and with orphans’ goods, and make a just account unto the saints. I am a deacon.”

The saints were Anabaptists; they were not Catholic saints. Anabaptists regarded themselves as the elect — the elect were chosen by God to receive eternal life.

Subtle said, “Oh, were you sent from Master Wholesome, your teacher?”

Ananias said, “Yes, from Tribulation Wholesome, our very zealous pastor.”

Many Puritans had names such as Tribulation Wholesome because they believed that common names such as William or Ben were too worldly. Ananias’ name came from the Bible.

“Good!” Subtle said. “I have some orphans’ goods coming here.”

Ananias asked, “Of what kind, sir?”

Subtle answered, “Pewter and brass, andirons and kitchenware, and metals that we must use our medicine on. The brethren may have these for a good price, as long as it is ready money.”

Ananias asked, “Were the orphans’ parents sincere professors of the Anabaptists’ faith?”

“Why do you ask?” 

“Because if they were, we are then to deal justly, and pay money, in truth, to the items’ utmost value.”

Subtle said, “By God’s eyelid, if the orphans’ parents were not of the faithful, you’d cheat them! I will not trust you, now I think about it, until I have talked with your pastor. Have you brought money to buy more coals?”

“No, indeed.”

“No! Why not?”

Ananias answered, “The brethren told me to say to you, sir, that indeed they will not venture any more money until they may see projection.”

“What!” Subtle said, pretending to be angry.

Ananias said, “You have had, for the instruments, such as bricks, and loam, and glasses, already thirty pounds. And for materials, they say, some ninety pounds more. And they have heard since that an alchemist at Heidelberg made the philosopher’s stone from an egg and a small paper of pin-dust.”

Heidelberg was a center of alchemy. Pin-dust is metal dust that is left over from the manufacture of metal pins.

Subtle asked, “What’s your name?”

“My name is Ananias.”

In Acts 5:1-10, we read that Ananias cheated his fellow Christians by selling a piece of property and keeping part of the money obtained.

Pretending to be angry, Subtle said, “Get out, you varlet who cheated the apostles! Leave! Go away! Flee, mischief! Didn’t your holy consistory have no name to send me, of another sound, than wicked Ananias? Send your elders here to make atonement for you, quickly, and to give me satisfaction, or out goes the fire; and down go the alembecs, and the furnace Piger Henricus, and what not.”

Piger Henricus is Latin for “Lazy Henry.” It is a type of furnace that has one fire providing the heat for many side chambers.

Subtle continued, “You wretch! Both sericon and bufo shall be lost; tell them that. All hope of rooting out the bishops, or the anti-Christian hierarchy, shall perish, if they stay away threescore minutes: one hour.”

The Anabaptists wanted to establish a theocracy with themselves as rulers. They definitely did not want Catholics to be the heads of the theocracy.

Subtle continued, “The aqueity, terreity, and sulphureity shall run together again, and all shall be annulled, you wicked Ananias!”

In other words, unless Ananias’ superiors came to Subtle within one hour, all the alchemical work he had done so far would be ruined.

Ananias exited.

Subtle said to himself, “This will fetch them, and make them hasten towards their gulling more. A man must deal like a rough nurse, and frighten those who are obstinate and give them an appetite.”

— 2.6 —

Face, who was now wearing his Captain’s uniform, entered the room. Abel Drugger followed him.

Captain Face said to Drugger, “The alchemist is busy with his spirits, but we’ll see him.”

Subtle said, “What is it? What mates and what Bayards have we here?”

“Mates” are “low fellows.” “Bayard” is a common name for a horse. The proverb “as bold as blind Bayard” referred to blundering into places where the blunderer did not belong.

Captain Face said to Drugger, “I told you that he would be furious.”

He then said to Subtle, “Sir, here’s Nab. He has brought you another piece of gold to look on.”

“Nab” is a nickname for Abel. 

He said to Drugger, “We must appease him. Give the gold piece to me.”

Drugger gave the gold coin to Face, who gave it to Subtle, saying, “He asks that you would devise for him — what is it, Nab?”

“A sign, sir.”

“Yes,” Face said. “A good lucky one, a thriving sign, doctor.”

“I was devising now,” Subtle said. 

He meant that he had been creating Drugger’s horoscope.

Face whispered to him, “By God’s light, do not say so. Drugger will repent he gave you any more gold.”

He then said out loud, “What say you to his constellation — Libra — Doctor? Should the balance be his sign?”

Subtle decided to do something different from that. He did not want Drugger to repent giving more gold.

“No, that way is stale, and common,” Subtle said. “A townsman born in Taurus gives the bull, or the bull’s-head, as his sign. A townsman born in Aries gives the ram as his sign. It’s a poor device! 

“No, I will have Drugger’s name formed in some mystic characters whose emanations, striking the senses of the passersby, shall, by a powerful influence, breed inclinations, such as a powerful desire for tobacco, that may benefit the party who owns the sign. Let me think.”

Subtle was going to create a rebus for Abel Drugger. A rebus is a cryptic representation of a name, word, phrase, or sentence, using pictures and letters.

Face said excitedly, “Nab!”

Subtle said, “He shall have a bell, that’s Abel. And by it standing a man whose name is Dee, wearing a rug gown, aka an academic’s coarse wool gown.”

Dee is Dr. John Dee (1527-1608), an English alchemist and astrologer.

Subtle continued, “There’s D, and Rug, that’s drug. And right against him a dog snarling grr. There’s Drugger, Abel Drugger. That’s his sign. And here’s now mystery and hieroglyphic!”

Face said, “Abel, you are made.”

Drugger replied, bowing, “Sir, I do thank his worship.”

Face said, “Six more of your bows will not do it, Nab. They won’t be enough to thank the doctor properly.”

Face said to Subtle, “He has brought you a pipe of tobacco, doctor.”

Perhaps Drugger had been carrying the pipe of tobacco for his own use. 

“Yes, sir,” Drugger said.

He gave the tobacco to Face, who gave it to Subtle.

Drugger added, “I have another thing I would like to say —”

“Out with it, Nab,” Face said.

Drugger said, “Sir, there is lodged, very near to me, a rich young widow.”

“Good,” Face said. “A bona roba?”

A bona roba is a fashionably dressed woman; in slang, the phrase means a prostitute.

Drugger said, “She is only nineteen, at the most.”

“Very good, Abel,” Face said.

“She’s not in fashion yet,” Drugger said. “She wears a French hood, but it stands acop.”

French hoods were not in fashion; hats were. But the young widow did wear it on top of her head instead of at the back. “Acop” meant “on top.”

“That doesn’t matter, Abel,” Face said.

Drugger said, “And I do now and then give her a fucus —”

A fucus is a kind of cosmetic.

Face said, “What! Do you deal, Nab?”

He meant deal in products other than tobacco.

Subtle said, “I did tell you, Captain Face.”

He wanted Drugger to believe that he — Subtle — had said that he had told Captain Face that Drugger would be successful. One sign of success is branching out and selling more and different products.

Drugger continued, “— and medicine, too, sometimes, sir, for which she trusts me with all her mind. She’s come up here for the purpose of learning the latest fashions.”

Face said, “Good.”

He whispered to Subtle, “If she goes to Drugger for advice about fashion, she’s as foolish as he is.”

He said out loud, “Go on, Nab.”

Drugger said, “And she very greatly longs to know her fortune.”

“By God’s eyelid, Nab,” Captain Face said, “send her to Doctor Subtle here.”

“Yes, I have spoken to her about his worship already,” Drugger said, “but she’s afraid that gossip about it will be blown abroad, and hurt her prospects for marriage.”

“Hurt her prospects for marriage!” Captain Face said. “Why, it is the way to heal her prospects, if they were hurt. It is the way to make marriage with her more pursued and sought. Nab, you shall tell her this: If she comes here, she’ll be more known, more talked about — and your widows are never of any good price until they are famous. The honor of widows lies in their multitude of suitors. Send her; it may be your good fortune.”

Drugger shook his head no.

Captain Face said, “What! You do not know.”

Drugger said, “No, sir, it won’t be my good fortune. She’ll never marry anyone of less social status than a Knight: Her brother has made a vow.”

“What!” Captain Face said, “and do you despair, my little Nab, knowing what Doctor Subtle has predicted for your future, and seeing so many wealthy tradesmen of the city dubbed a Knight by King James I in return for money?

“One glass of your water, with a madam — a witch — I know will make her fall in love with you, Nab. The witch can turn your urine into a love potion.

“Who is her brother? Is he a Knight?”

“No, sir,” Drugger said. “He is a gentleman newly warm in his land, sir. He has just inherited it. He is scarcely twenty-one years old, and he governs his sister here, and he is a man himself of some three thousand pounds a year, and he has come up to London to learn to quarrel and to live by his wits, and he will go down again and die in the country.”

Like his sister, the gentleman wanted to be fashionable. Some young men of the time were known as roaring boys. They enjoyed picking quarrels, and they followed rules for doing so.

“What?” Face said. “How to quarrel?”

“Yes, sir,” Drugger said, “to carry quarrels, as gallants do; to manage them by line.”

“By line” meant “according to the rules.”

Face said, “By God’s eyelid, Nab, Doctor Subtle is the only man in Christendom for him. He has made a diagram, with mathematical demonstrations, concerning the art of quarrels: He will give the widow’s brother written instructions for quarreling.

“Go, bring them both: him and his sister the widow. And, as for you, the doctor perhaps may persuade her to love you. 

“Go on. You shall give his worship a new damask suit on the basis of what I just said.”

Fine clothing was expensive.

Subtle said, “Oh, good Captain Face!”

“He shall,” Face said to Subtle. “He is the honestest fellow, Doctor.”

Face then said to Drugger, “Don’t wait for the proposal of marriage. Bring the damask and the parties here.”

“I’ll try my power, sir,” Drugger said. “I’ll do my best.”

“And try your will, too, Nab,” Face said. The word “will” meant both “inclination to do something” and “sexual desire” for the widow.

Smoking the pipe Drugger had brought, Subtle said, “This is good tobacco! What does it cost per ounce?”

“He’ll send you a pound, Doctor Subtle,” Face said.

“Oh, no,” Subtle said, pretending that he did not want such an expensive gift.

“He will do it,” Face said. “He is the goodest soul!”

He then said, “Abel, go about it. You shall know more soon. Go away, be gone.”

Abel Drugger exited.

Face said to Subtle, “Drugger is a miserable rogue, and lives on cheese, and has the worms. That was the reason, indeed, why he came here just now. He dealt with me in private to get a medicine for the worms.”

“And he shall get it, sir,” Subtle said. “This is working out well.”

“A wife, a wife for one of us, my dear Subtle!” Face said. “We’ll draw lots on equal terms, and he who fails shall have the more in goods because the other will have more in tail.”

Face was punning. “Entail” was a legal term about one kind of inheritance. “In tail” was slang for “in pussy.”

Subtle replied, “Rather the less in goods, for the widow may be so light that she may lack grains.”

In addition to meaning “light in weight,” “light” was slang for “promiscuous.” A light woman’s heels were light and were easily raised in the air with her knees apart. If the widow were light (and promiscuity would lower her value because no man wants to be a cuckold), her husband would need more in goods (a grain = a unit of weight) in order to have a share equal with that of the con man who did not marry her.

Face said, “Yes, or she may be such a burden that a man would scarcely endure her for the whole.”

“Whole” was another pun. If the widow were a bad wife, her husband might scarcely endure her for the whole take of the cons. Face’s use of “whole” also meant “hole,” and so if the widow were a bad wife, her husband might scarcely endure her although she has a vagina.

Subtle said, “Indeed, it’s best we see her first, and then determine what to do.”

“That’s fine by me,” Face said, “but Doll must hear no words about this.”

“I will be mum,” Subtle said. “Go now, and meet your Surly yonder; catch him.”

Face said, “I pray to God that I have not stayed too long.”

“I fear that you may have,” Subtle said.

 

CHAPTER 3

— 3.1 —

Tribulation Wholesome and Ananias talked together outside the house where the cons were taking place. Ananias was complaining about Subtle.

Tribulation Wholesome said, “These chastisements are common to the saints, and such rebukes we of the separation must bear with willing shoulders as they are trials sent forth to tempt our frailties.”

“Separation” meant “exile.” In times of persecution, Anabaptists would go from one country to another country to escape that persecution. At the then-current time, many Anabaptists were in the Netherlands.

Saints often face tribulations, and these Anabaptists regarded themselves as saints — people destined for eternal life — separated from ordinary men.

Ananias said, “In pure zeal and from a purely Christian point of view, I do not like the man. He is a heathen, and he speaks the language of Canaan, truly.”

Tribulation Wholesome said, “I think him a profane person indeed.”

“He bears the visible mark of the beast on his forehead,” Ananias said.

Anyone who bears the mark of the beast is irrevocably damned.

Ananias continued, “And as for his philosopher’s stone, it is a work of darkness, and with philosophy it blinds the eyes of man.”

Tribulation Wholesome said, “Good brother, we must yield to all means that may give furtherance to the holy cause.”

“Which his cannot,” Ananias said. “The sanctified cause should have a sanctified course. A sanctified course of action will lead to the sanctified result we want.”

“A sanctified means or course of action is not always necessary,” Tribulation Wholesome said. “The children of perdition are often made instruments even of the greatest works.

“Beside, we should concede somewhat to this man Subtle’s nature and the place he lives in. He is always near the fire and the fumes of metals that intoxicate the brain of man and make him prone to feel violent emotions.

“Being around fire is dangerous.

“Where do you have greater atheists than your cooks?”

Anabaptists preferred plainness in all things, including clothing, hairstyles, and food.

Tribulation Wholesome continued, “Who is more profane or choleric and prone to anger than your glass-blowers?”

Glass-blowers make items used in alchemy and in Catholic churches.

Tribulation Wholesome continued, “Who is more anti-Christian than your bell-founders, who cast bells out of molten metal?”

Bells are often used in the Catholic Mass and in Catholic churches.

Tribulation Wholesome continued, “I ask you, what makes the devil Satan, our common enemy, so devilish except his being perpetually around the fire and boiling brimstone and arsenic? 

“We must yield, I say, to the stimulations and the stirrers up of strong feelings in the blood. It may be so, when the work is done and the philosopher’s stone is made, that this heat of his may turn into a religious zeal, and stand up for the beauteous discipline of Anabaptism against the menstruous cloth and rag of Rome.”

The Anabaptists detested the Pope and Catholics. What they called “the menstruous cloth and rag of Rome” was the surplice worn by Catholic priests. The Anabaptists compared the surplice to a rag used to soak up menstrual blood.

Tribulation Wholesome continued, “We must await his calling and the coming of the good Holy Spirit to him. You did wrong when you upbraided him with the brethren’s blessing of creating the philosopher’s stone in Heidelberg. You will realize that when you consider what need we have to hasten on the work for the restoring of the silenced saints, which will never happen unless we get the philosopher’s stone.”

The silenced saints were the Puritans who were not allowed to preach because they did not accept the 39 Articles that spelled out the beliefs and doctrines of the Church of England.

Tribulation Wholesome continued, “A learned elder, one of Scotland, assured me that we need the philosopher’s stone. For one thing, aurum potabile is the only medicine for the civil magistrate to incline him to a feeling of our religious cause and must be daily used in the disease.”

Aurum potabile is Latin for “drinkable gold.” It was supposed to be an alchemist’s elixir, but Tribulation Wholesome was using the term to mean bribes. The Anabaptists would use the gold created by the philosopher’s stone to bribe civil officials to treat their religion kindly — and to give the Anabaptists political power.

Ananias replied, “I have not been edified more, truly, by any man than by you here and now — not since the beautiful light of Anabaptism first shone on me, and I am sad that my religious zeal has so offended.”

“Let us call on Subtle the alchemist then,” Tribulation Wholesome said.

“The impulse to knock is good, and it is of the spirit,” Ananias said. “I will knock first.”

He knocked and shouted, “Peace be within!”

The door was opened, and they entered.

— 3.2 —

Subtle said to Tribulation Wholesome, “Oh, have you come?”

He pointed to an hourglass and said, “It was time. Your threescore minutes were at the last thread, you see, and down had gone furnus acediae, turris circulatorius: Alembec, bolt’s-head, retort, and pelican had all been cinders.”

The word “thread” referred to the thread of life. A few minutes longer, and Subtle — he said — would have killed the process of making the philosopher’s stone. He would have destroyed everything, including the furnus acediae (Latin for “furnace of sloth, or “lazy Henry) and the turris circulatorius (circulating tower). 

Seeing Ananias, Subtle said, “Wicked Ananias! Have you returned? Well, then, I will still destroy the apparatus making the philosopher’s stone.”

Tribulation Wholesome said, “Sir, be appeased. Ananias has come to humble himself in spirit, and to ask your patience if too much religious zeal has carried him aside from the due path.”

“Why, this does qualify!” Subtle said. 

“Qualify” is an alchemical term meaning “dilute.” Subtle was saying that his rage was becoming diluted and weaker.

Tribulation Wholesome said, “The brethren had no intention, truly, to give you the least grievance. Instead, they are ready to lend their willing hands to any project the Holy Spirit and you direct them to.”

“This qualifies more!” Subtle said.

Tribulation Wholesome said, “And as for the orphans’ goods, let them be valued. And whatever else is needed for the holy work of making the philosopher’s stone, it shall be paid in ready money. Here, in my person, the saints throw down their purse before you.”

Revelation 4:10 begins, “The four and twenty elders fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him that liveth for ever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne” (King James Version).

“This qualifies most!” Subtle said, “Why, this is how it should be — now you understand.

“I have talked to you about our philosopher’s stone and about the good that it shall bring your cause.

“I have shown you other benefits in addition to the main point of hiring forces abroad and drawing the Hollanders, your friends, from the Indies, to serve you, with all their fleet.”

With the gold made with the philosopher’s stone, the Anabaptists could hire mercenaries and the Netherlands’ mighty fleet of ships that protected their trade interests in the Indies. Subtle was hinting that the Anabaptists could be traitors to England; they could use the mercenaries to attack and take control of England.

Subtle continued, “I have said that even the medicinal use of the philosopher’s stone — the elixir of life — shall make you a faction and party in the realm. You shall have political power. For example, let’s say that some great man in government has the gout. Why, if you send him three drops of your elixir of life, you will help him immediately, and you will have made him a friend of Anabaptism. Let’s say that another has the palsy, aka tremors, or the dropsy, aka edema; he takes some of your incombustible stuff — your elixir — and he’s young again. Here again you have made a friend of Anabaptism.”

Literally, people with dropsy retain water and their body swells up. Two salt-related symptoms of adrenal fatigue are the swelling of edema and a craving for salt. Subtle’s clients also suffer from cravings — for money and/or power.

“Let’s take a lady who has aged and is no longer able to physically have sex, although she still thinks about it. Her face has aged so much that the use of makeup will no longer help her look beautiful. With the alchemical medicine known as the oil of talc, you restore her youth, her beauty, and her ability to have sex. There you have made a friend — and you have made all her friends your friends.”

By “her friends,” Subtle meant “her lovers.”

Subtle continued, “Take a lord who has leprosy, a Knight who has the bone-ache, or a squire who has both of these medical problems. You make them smooth and sound with a mere rubbing on of your alchemical medicine, and again you increase the number of your friends.”

The bone-ache is syphilis.

Tribulation Wholesome said, “What you say is very pregnant of promise and a convincing argument.”

Subtle said, “And then the turning of this lawyer’s pewter to plate at Christmas —”

Ananias interrupted, “At Christ-tide, please.”

Some Anabaptists did not want to say the syllable “mas” or the word “mass” because of the Catholic Mass.

“Yet, Ananias!” Subtle said. “Do you still bother me?”

“I have finished talking,” Ananias said.

Subtle continued, “— turning of this lawyer’s pewter to plate at Christmas or changing his parcel gilt — partially gilded silver — to massy, aka solid, gold.”

He had deliberately used the word “massy.’

Subtle continued, “You cannot but increase the number of your friends. Indeed, you will have the power to pay an army on the battlefield, to buy the King of France out of his realms, or to buy the Indies from the King of Spain.”

King Henri IV of France had been assassinated on 14 May 1610, a little earlier than the present time. His son who succeeded him was only eight years old. In 1607, King Philip III of Spain had gone bankrupt because of a lack of silver shipments from the Indies. 

The Anabaptists were businessmen as well as religious men, and they had a reputation for driving hard bargains. Subtle was saying that they were very capable of taking advantage of a child and of a man down on his luck.

Subtle continued, “What can you not do against lords, whether spiritual or temporal, who shall oppose you?”

“Verily, what you say is true,” Tribulation Wholesome said. “We may be temporal lords ourselves, I take it.”

Temporal lords are not members of the clergy.

Temporal lords need not say prayers or preach sermons or sing in church, which are things Anabaptists presumably want to do.

Subtle replied, “You may be anything you want, and you may leave off to make — stop or take time off from doing something in order to make — long-winded exercises.”

The Anabaptists had reputations for making very long sermons and prayers.

Subtle continued, “Or you may suck up your ha! and hum! in a tune.”

They could also make singing ha! and hum! a part of the church service.

The ha! and hum! referred to an Anabaptist practice of making these sounds during prayers and sermons.

Subtle continued, “I do not deny that people who are powerless in a state, may, for their own ends, be adverse and contrary to the state in their religion, and get a tune to call the flock together. You can gain followers in your religion and use them to gain political power; one way to gain religious followers is through religious music. For, to say the truth, a tune does much with women and other phlegmatic — unemotional and calm — people; it is your bell. Like a church bell, tunes will call people to worship.”

Ananias objected, “Bells are profane; a tune may be religious.”

Subtle said to Ananias, “You don’t listen to warnings! So then I say ‘farewell’ to my patience. By God’s light, I shall destroy the apparatus for making the philosopher’s stone. I will not be thus tortured.”

“Please, sir—” Tribulation Wholesome began.

Subtle interrupted, “Everything shall perish. I have spoken it.”

“Let me find grace and mercy, sir, in your eyes,” Tribulation Wholesome said. “The man Ananias stands corrected. His religious zeal did not allow a tune somewhere except as you yourself had said a tune could be used. You agreed on that point. But now, since the philosopher’s stone is nearly completed, we shall not need tunes.”

Since the Anabaptists would have gold to make friends, they wouldn’t need to have tunes to make friends, and so there was no need to worry about whether or not tunes are comparable to church bells.

Subtle replied, “No, you shall not need tunes, nor your holy vizard, aka holy mask, to win widows to give you legacies or make zealous wives rob their husbands for the common cause, nor shall you need to take advantage of bonds whose terms have been broken only one day and say that their collateral is forfeited by providence. Nor shall you need all night to eat huge meals so that you can better celebrate your next day’s fast while the brethren and the sisters, humbled, abate the stiffness of the flesh.”

“Abate” means “cause to become smaller.” “Stiffness” has two meanings. It means “pride”; however, “the stiffness of the flesh” also means “erection.”

Subtle continued, “Nor shall you need to cast before your hungry hearers scrupulous bones.”

If the Anabaptists became temporal lords, they need not concern themselves with much that they concerned themselves with.

“Scrupulous bones” are petty points of religious contention. Here the points of contention are about the proper behavior of an Anabaptist.

Subtle continued, “For example, whether a Christian may hawk or hunt, or whether matrons of the holy assembly may lay their hair out to create fashionable and elaborate hairstyles, or wear doublets, which are properly worn by men only, or have that idol starch about their linen.”

The Anabaptists opposed hunting with hawks and hunting in general. They also opposed elaborate hairstyles for women, women wearing men’s clothing, and the use of starch on clothing. The Anabaptists opposed many things on the grounds that they were worldly and/or vain and/or opposed to Biblical strictures.

Deuteronomy 22:5 states, “The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God” (King James Version).

Ananias said about starch, “It is indeed an idol.”

Tribulation Wholesome said to Subtle, “Don’t mind him, sir.”

He then said to the spirit that he believed — or pretended to believe — was within Ananias, “I do command you, spirit of religious zeal, but also trouble, to be silent and calm within him!”

He said to Subtle, “Please, sir, go on.”

Subtle said, “Nor shall you need to libel the prelates, and shorten your ears in preparation for the hearing of the next wire-drawn grace.” 

The Puritans sometimes severely criticized the officials of the Church of England. Punishment for doing this could include being placed in a pillory and having one’s ears cut off. This was the punishment for seditious libel.

People created wire by drawing or pulling and stretching metal. Puritan prayers before a meal — grace — were long and drawn out, and Subtle was saying that having one’s ears cut off was good preparation for experiencing a Puritan grace.

Subtle continued, “Nor shall you of necessity rail against plays, to please the alderman whose daily custard you devour.”

Many aldermen were hostile to the theater because they felt that play-going spread the plague. Since all actors at this time were male, boys or young men playing women would wear women’s clothing, which violated the stricture against wearing women’s clothing found in Deuteronomy 22:5. Also, many aldermen felt that going to plays encouraged workers to waste time.

Subtle continued, “Nor shall you lie with zealous rage until you are hoarse. Not one of these so singular arts will you need to perform. Nor shall you need to call yourselves by names such as Tribulation, Persecution, Restraint, Long-patience, and so on, which are affected by the whole family or collection of you only for glory and to catch the ear of the disciple.”

With the wealth created by the philosopher’s stone, Anabaptists would no longer need to act like Anabaptists. Great wealth does things like that.

Tribulation Wholesome said, “Truly, sir, they are ways that the godly brethren have invented for propagation of the glorious cause as very notable means, and whereby also the godly brethren themselves grow quickly and profitably famous.”

Subtle replied, “Oh, but all’s idle to the philosopher’s stone! Nothing compares to it! It is the art of angels, nature’s miracle, the divine secret that flies in clouds from east to west, and whose tradition is not from men, but spirits.”

The Catholic Church followed and respected religious traditions. The Anabaptists rejected religious tradition and followed only what they found in the Bible.

Ananias said, “I hate traditions; I do not trust them.”

Tribulation Wholesome said, “Peace! Silence!”

“Traditions are all Popish,” Ananias said. “I will not be silent! I will not!”

Tribulation Wholesome warned, “Ananias!”

Ananias responded, “To please the profane, and to grieve the godly — I may not.”

Subtle said, “Well, Ananias, you shall overcome.”

Tribulation Wholesome said to Subtle, “It is an ignorant zeal that haunts him, sir. But truly, other than that, he is a very faithful brother, a tailor who repairs garments and so is an example of frugality, and a man who has by revelation a competent knowledge of the truth.”

Subtle asked, “Has he a competent sum there in his money bag to buy the goods inside? I have been made the guardian of these orphans and must for the sake of charity, and conscience, now see the most is made for my poor orphans although I also want the brethren to be gainers: In this situation, I am trying to make a win-win bargain. The orphans’ goods are inside. When you have viewed and bought them and taken the inventory of what they are, they will be ready for projection. There will be nothing more to do than cast on the alchemical medicine and transmute the metal. As much silver as there is tin inside, and as much gold as there is brass inside, I will give to you. I will transmute it for you, weight for weight. The weight of tin now will be the weight of silver later, and the weight of brass now will be the weight of gold later.”

Tribulation Wholesome asked, “But how long a time, sir, must the saints wait yet?”

Subtle replied, “Let me see, how’s the Moon now? Eight, nine, ten days hence, he will be silver potate, then three days must pass before he citronise. In some fifteen days, the magisterium — the philosopher’s stone — will be perfected.”

Ananias said, “About the second day of the third week, in the ninth month!”

He avoided the names of days and months because so many were based on the names of pagan gods or pagans. For example, August is named after Caesar Augustus, and Thursday is “Thor’s day.” Thor is a Nordic god. 

Ananias was using an old-fashioned calendar that began with March — Anabaptists believed that God created the world in March. Today was November 1, and the philosopher’s stone would be ready on November 16.

“Yes, my good Ananias,” Subtle said.

Tribulation Wholesome asked Subtle, “What will the price of the orphans’ goods come to, do you think?”

Subtle said, “Approximately a hundred marks; the metal goods are as much as three filled carts, which are unladed now. You’ll make six millions from them — but I must have more coals purchased and brought in.”

“What!” Tribulation Wholesome said.

“Another load,” Subtle said, “and then we have finished. We must now increase our fire to ignis ardens, we are past fimus equinus, balnei, cineris, and all those lesser heats.”

Ignis ardens is the hottest fire; fimus equinus is the fire of horse dung, the least hot fire. In “creating” the philosopher’s stone, alchemists went from the least hot fire to the hottest fire.

Subtle said, “If the holy purse should with this draught fall low and the saints need a ready sum of money, I have a trick to melt the pewter you shall buy now, immediately, and with a tincture to color the pewter you shall make as good Dutch dollars as any are in Holland.”

Subtle was advising the Anabaptists to counterfeit Dutch currency. Dutch dollars were silver coins.

“Can you do that?” Tribulation Wholesome asked.

“Yes, and they shall pass the third examination,” Subtle replied.

The counterfeit coins would be so good that they could pass repeated close inspections.

Ananias said, “This will be joyful tidings to the brethren.”

“But you must keep this secret,” Subtle said.

One punishment for counterfeiters in the Middle Ages was being boiled alive; another was being pilloried and having their ears cut off.

Tribulation Wholesome said, “Yes, but wait. This act of coining, is it lawful?”

Ananias was eager to be a counterfeiter: “Lawful? We know no magistrate, or if we did, this is foreign coin.”

Anabaptists believed in no civil magistrate when it came to religious matters. When it came to religious matters, the only lawgiver was God.

Contrary to what Ananias thought, whether the money being counterfeited was foreign or not didn’t matter; in England, it was illegal to counterfeit foreign money as well as domestic money.

Subtle said, “It is no coining, sir. It is only casting metal.”

“Ha! You distinguish the two well,” Tribulation Wholesome said. “Casting of money may be lawful.”

Coining money and casting money in this case were the same action; both were counterfeiting money. If a government casts money, it is lawful. If alchemists or Anabaptists cast money, it is NOT lawful. Subtle was parodying Anabaptist casuistry.

“It is, sir,” Ananias said.

“Truly, I take it to be so,” Tribulation Wholesome said.

“There is no scruple, sir, to be made about it,” Subtle said. “Believe Ananias: This case of conscience he is studied in. He knows the right thing for an Anabaptist to do.”

Tribulation Wholesome said, “I’ll bring this matter to the attention of the brethren.”

“The brethren shall approve it as lawful,” Ananias said. “Don’t doubt that. Where shall it be done?”

Knocking sounded at the door.

“We’ll talk about that soon,” Subtle said. “There’s someone who has come to speak with me. Go inside, please, and view the portions of metal. Inside is the whole inventory. I’ll come to you soon.”

Tribulation Wholesome and Ananias went inside.

Subtle asked, “Who is it?”

He opened the door and said, “Face! Come inside.”

— 3.3 —

Face, wearing the Captain’s uniform, came inside.

Subtle asked him, “How are you now? Did you get a good prize? Did you get a good profit?”

“Good pox!” Face complained. “Yonder costive cheater — Surly — never showed up.”

“Costive” means “constipated.” Face was using the word as an insult.

Subtle asked, “What happened?”

“I walked around the rotunda at the Temple Church until now, and no Surly showed up.”

“And have you quit him?” Subtle asked. “Have you given up on him?”

“Quit him!” Face said, “If Hell would quit — and acquit — him, too, he would be happy. By God’s light! Would you have me stalk like a mill-jade — a horse walking around and around in a circle to grind grain — all day, for one who will not yield us grains of profit? I know him of old — I know his type.”

“Oh, if we had gulled and cheated him,” Subtle said, “it would have shown our mastery — it would be something to boast about!”

“Let him go, black boy!” Face said. “Don’t think about him.”

Subtle’s face was black with soot. Although a philosopher’s stone could never be created, he kept a laboratory stocked with at least a few chemicals and he kept a fire going at least sometimes. A sooty face helped show that he was an alchemist.

Face continued, “Instead, turn your attention to this — here’s some fresh news that may possess and interest you. My dear delicious comrade and my fellow part-time pimp, I need to tell you that a noble count, a Don of Spain, who has come here to England because of his religious convictions as a Protestant, and who has brought munition — money and clothing — with him, six great Dutch slops, aka baggy trousers, bigger than three Dutch hoys, aka small coastal ships, besides round trunk-hose, aka another kind of odd clothing, furnished with pistolets, aka Spanish gold coins, and pieces of eight, aka Spanish dollars, will soon be here, my rogue, to enjoy a bath (that is the reason he gives for coming here) and to make his battery upon our Doll Common, our castle, our Cinque Port, our Dover pier, our what you will.”

Bathhouses were whorehouses, and the Spanish Don intended to sleep with Doll. Face humorously described this as a Spanish Armada making an assault upon England’s ports.

Face continued, “Where is she? She must prepare perfumes, delicate linen, the bath in chief, a banquet, and her wit, for she must milk his epididimas.”

At higher-class brothels, the john received a bath before having sex with a prostitute. An epididimas is a tube carrying sperm from the testicles. Doll was supposed to milk his balls; that is, cause him to ejaculate.

Face asked, “Where is the doxy?”

A doxy is a prostitute.

“I’ll send her to you,” Subtle said. “I need to dispatch my brace of little John Leidens, and come here again myself.”

A brace is a pair, and John Leiden was an Anabaptist. Subtle was referring to Tribulation Wholesome and Ananias.

“Are they inside then?” Face asked.

“Yes,” Subtle said. “They are numbering the sum they will pay for Sir Epicure Mammon’s metal goods.”

“How much?” Face asked.

“A hundred marks, boy,” Subtle said, and then he exited.

Face said, “Why, this is a lucky day. Ten pounds from Mammon! Three from my clerk! A Portuguese gold coin from my grocer/tobacconist! A hundred marks from the brethren! In addition, there will be reversions, aka future profits, and estates to come in with the widow, and additional profits from my Spanish Count! My share of the profits today will not be bought for forty —”

Doll Common entered the room.

“What do you want?” she asked.

“Pounds, dainty Dorothy!” Face said. “I want money! Are you so near?”

He meant, Do you want what I want?

“Yes,” Doll replied. “Say, lord General, how fares our camp?”

Face replied, “As with the few who had entrenched themselves safe, by their discipline, against a world, Doll, and laughed within those trenches, and grew fat with thinking on the booty and profit, Doll, brought in daily by their small raiding parties.”

To “laugh and grow fat” meant “hearty enjoyment” — they laughed until they grew sweaty because their cons were successful at bringing in booty and profit.

Face continued, “This dear hour, a doughty Don is taken with my Doll; and you may make his ransom what you will, my Dousabel.”

“Dousabel” comes from the French “douce et belle,” which means “sweet and pretty.”

Face continued, “He shall be brought here fettered with your fair looks, before he sees you; and he will be thrown on a down-bed, as dark as any dungeon, where you shall keep him awake with your drum — your drum, my Doll, your drum — until he is as tame as the poor blackbirds were in the great frost, or bees are with a basin, and so you throw him in the swan-skin coverlet, and cambric sheets, until he work honey and wax, my little God’s-gift.”

The Spanish Don would come here, and Doll would bed him. She would use her “drum” to keep him awake until he ejaculated and became tame. “To work honey” means “to use his penis to engage in sticky sexual caresses” and the “wax” he produced would be semen. Wax is a substance secreted by bees, but “to wax” means “to grow,” and the Spanish Don’s penis would grow.

During winters that were so cold that the Thames River was covered with ice, blackbirds became so hungry that they were “tame” — they would take food from the hands of a human. According to folklore, bees would return to the hive if a basin were drummed.

Doll’s “drum” was used in a rhythmic sexual pounding. 

“Doll” is a nickname for “Dorothy,” which is derived from the Greek Dorothea, which means “God’s-gift.”

“Who is this man, General?” Doll asked.

Face replied, “He is an adalantado, a grandee, girl.”

An adalantado is a Spanish grandee; a grandee is a Spanish nobleman of the highest rank.

Face asked, “Hasn’t my Dapper been here yet?”

“No,” Doll replied.

“Nor my Drugger?”

“He has not, either,” Doll replied.

“A pox on them!” Face said. “They are taking so long to collect money to give to us! Such stinkards should not be seen upon these festival days.”

Subtle entered the room.

Face asked, “How is everything? Have you finished with the Anabaptists?”

“All is done,” Subtle said. “They are gone. The sum of money they paid is put away safe and sound, my Face. I wish we knew another businessman now who would buy Mammon’s metal objects outright. I have sold them once, but if I sold them twice we would have twice the profit.”

Face said, “By God’s eyelid, Nab shall buy them in the expectation that he will marry the widow. He will buy the metal items in order to furnish his household.”

“Excellent idea,” Subtle said. “Good thinking. I pray to God he comes here soon.”

Face said, “I pray that he keeps away until our new business with the Spanish Don is over and done.”

Subtle asked, “But, Face, how did you come to learn about this secret Don?”

Another meaning of “secret” is “pertaining to mystical, occult matters.”

Face replied, “A spirit brought me the intelligence in a paper here, as I was conjuring yonder in my circle for Surly; I have my personal spiritual attendants abroad. Your bath is famous, Subtle, by my means.”

He was referring to the rotunda of Temple Church as a magician’s circle, but all that had happened was that while he was walking in the rotunda looking for Surly, someone handed him a note. The note was about finding a whore to have sex with.

Face continued, “Sweet Doll, you must go tune your virginals without losing any time. Listen. Give good action. Firk like a flounder. Kiss like a scallop, close. And tickle him with your mother tongue.”

Virginals was a musical instrument like the harpsichord, but Face was using the word in a sexual sense: He wanted Doll to get ready to have sex with the Spanish Don.

“Firk” is to “fuck” as “dern” is to “damn.” Flounders undulate when they swim. A scallop is a shellfish; the two pieces of the shell are close together. “Tickle him with your mother tongue” is fellatio. 

Face continued, “His great Verdugoship has not a jot of the English language; this will make him so much the easier to be cheated, my Dolly.”

The Spanish word “verdugo” means either “hangman” or “a young shoot of a tree.” The second meaning may mean that Face thinks the Spanish Don is young and naïve and so will be easy to cheat. The first meaning is simply an insult.

Face continued, “He will come here in a hired coach, in secret, accompanied by our own coachman, whom I have sent as guide, and no one else.”

Knocking sounded at the door.

Face asked, “Who’s that?”

Doll exited to find out.

Subtle asked, “Isn’t that the Spanish Don?”

Face replied, “Oh, no. It’s too early for it to be him.”

Doll returned.

“Who is it?” Subtle asked.

“Dapper, your clerk,” Doll replied.

“This is God’s will then,” Face said.

He said to Doll, “Queen of Fairy, put your costume on.”

Doll exited.

Face said to Subtle, “And, Doctor, put on your academic robes. Let’s get this business over and done with, for God’s sake.

“It will take some time,” Subtle said.

“That’s true,” Face said. “Take the cues I give you, and the time shall be brief enough.”

Face went to the window, looked out, and said, “By God’s light, here are two more! I see Abel Drugger, and I think he has with him the angry boy, the heir, who wants to learn how to quarrel.”

“Is the widow with them?” Subtle asked.

“No, not that I see,” Face said. “Leave and get dressed.”

Subtle exited.

— 3.4 —

Dapper entered the room.

Face, who was dressed like a Captain, said to him, “Oh, sir, you are welcome. The Doctor is inside working for you. I have had to take many pains to persuade him to do it! 

“He swears you’ll be the darling of the dice. He says that he never heard her highness the Queen of Fairy dote until now. Your aunt has spoken about you the most gracious words that can be thought on.”

“Shall I see her grace?” Dapper asked.

“You shall see her, and kiss her, too,” Face replied.

Abel Drugger entered the room, followed by Kastril. 

Face said, “What, honest Nab! Have you brought the damask?”

“No, sir,” Drugger said. “Here’s the tobacco.”

Face said, “That is well done, Nab. Will you bring the damask, too?”

“Yes,” Drugger said. “Captain Face, here’s the gentleman, Master Kastril, whom I have brought to see the Doctor.”

“Where’s the widow?” Captain Face asked.

Drugger replied, “Sir, if Kastril likes what happens here, his sister, he says, shall come.”

“Is that so?” Captain Face said. “All in good time.”

He then asked, “Is your name Kastril, sir?”

Kastril replied, “Yes, and I’m the best of the Kastrils. I’d be sorry otherwise by fifteen hundred pounds a year.”

He was the oldest male son and so had inherited the bulk of his late father’s estate.

He asked, “Where is the Doctor? My mad tobacco-boy, here, tells me that the Doctor is a man who can do things. Has the Doctor any skill?”

“In what, sir?” Captain Face asked.

“To carry out the business of dueling — that is, to manage a quarrel fairly, upon fit terms and according to the rules,” Kastril said.

“It seems, sir, you are new to London,” Face said, “since you wonder about his ability to do that.”

Kastril, who was from the country, said, “Sir, I am not so young, but I have heard some speech of the angry boys, and seen them take tobacco in Drugger’s shop, and I can take tobacco, too, and I would like to be one of the angry boys, and go down and practice being angry in the country.”

The angry boys, aka roaring boys, were upper-class hooligans who smoked tobacco and who insulted and fought people. Dueling was illegal in England, but many people died in duels in France. The angry boys wanted to learn the rules for insulting and fighting people because the rules would let them know to what extent they could insult other people without having to fight a duel.

Face said, “Sir, as for the duello, the Doctor, I assure you, shall inform and educate you to the least shadow of a hair; and he will show you a document he has written. When you report to him a quarrel you are involved in, he can tell you how serious the quarrel is, and how safe or dangerous it is, and whether or not a duel to the death must be fought.

“He will let you know how the quarrel may be borne, whether in a right line, or a half circle, or else may be cast into an angle that is blunt, if not acute. All this he will demonstrate. And then, he will teach you rules for giving and receiving insults about being a liar.”

“What?” Kastril said. “To take the insult of being a liar?”

Face replied, “Yes, in oblique he’ll show you how to take the insult, or in a circle he’ll show you how to take the insult, but never in diameter.”

To be directly accused of being a liar — for example, “You lie in your throat” — was an insult that required a duel to settle. Being accused indirectly of lying, however, need not result in a duel. There were other ways to handle the issue.

Face continued, “The whole town of London studies his theorems about quarreling, and disputes and discusses them ordinarily at the eating academies.”

The “eating academies” were ordinaries — places for eating and drinking and gambling. Face was playing with language.

Kastril asked, “Does he teach living by the wits, too?”

A person who lives by his wits is able to survive and advance himself with his intelligence. A person who lives by his wits lacks a regular source of income and often is forced to cheat others. Possibly, Kastril thought that living by one’s wits meant being witty and making puns.

Face replied, “He teaches anything whatsoever. You cannot think of any subtle subject but he reads and understands it.

“Can he teach living by one’s wits? Look at me. He made me a Captain. I was a stark pimp previously and was a novice to gambling like you, before I met with him. That was not even two months ago. I’ll tell you his method: First, he will introduce you at some ordinary eating and drinking place. He will enter you there as if you were a student.”

Apparently, Face wanted Kastril to think that Face had become a Captain as a result of winning at gambling — something he had learned from Doctor Subtle.

“No,” Kastril said. “I’ll not go there. You shall pardon me.”

“Why not, sir?” Captain Face asked.

“There’s gambling there, and tricks, and cheating.”

“What!” Face said. “Do you want to be a gallant and not gamble?”

“Yes, gambling will financially ruin a man. It will spend a man.”

“Spend a man” meant “waste a man’s wealth.”

“Spend you!” Face said. “It will repair you when you are spent. How do they live by their wits there, who have spent six times your fortunes?”

Kastril said, “What? Three thousand pounds a year!”

Apparently, this was his annual income. If he had been a younger son, he would have been poorer by fifteen hundred pounds per year. But possibly his real annual income was five hundred pounds a year, and he had been exaggerating his annual income earlier. 

Face said, “Yes, forty thousand.”

Forty thousand pounds would produce a good annual income. 

Face may have been stating that Kastril would definitely lose all his money gambling. Kastril wanted to learn how to live by his wits, and people with steady sources of income do not need to live by their wits.

Kastril asked, “Are there such men?”

“Yes, sir,” Captain Face replied. “And they are still gallants and dress well.”

He pointed to Dapper and said, “Here’s a young gentleman who was born to nothing. He has forty marks a year, which I count as nothing. He is to be initiated into the world of gallantry and receive a familiar spirit from the Doctor to help him win at gambling. Dapper will win, by irresistible luck, within this fortnight, enough to buy a Barony for himself. His Barony and the money he wins will cause people to treat him with great respect. They will set him at the head of the table, the position of honor, at the groom-porter’s all the Christmas season.”

A groom-porter was a court officer of the English Royal Household. He managed gambling and resolved disputes related to gambling.

Captain Face continued, “And for the whole year through, at every place, where there is gambling, they will present him with the chair of honor, the best service, the best drink and sometimes will present him with two glasses of Canary wine and pay nothing.”

Captain Face may have wanted Kastril to think that Dapper would pay nothing, but actually he had said that whoever presented Dapper with two glasses of Canary wine would pay nothing — and would possibly drink one of the glasses of wine.

Captain Face continued, “They will present him with the purest linen and the sharpest knife. The partridge will be next to his plate, and somewhere he will be presented with a dainty bed, in private, with the dainty.”

The dainty is a dainty woman — a prostitute.

All of this would be the result of the money that Dapper expected to win at gambling.

Captain Face continued, “You shall have your ordinaries bid for him, as playhouses bid for a poet.”

Poets such as William Shakespeare wrote plays. A good poet was highly valued, and Shakespeare did well financially. 

Captain Face continued, “The master of the ordinary will ask him to say aloud what dish he wants, which must be buttered shrimps, and those who drink to no mouth else, will drink to his, as being the splendid president mouth of all the board. Yes, those who drink toasts to no one else will drink toasts to him.”

Kastril asked, “Do you not gull one? Are you deceiving me?”

“As God is my life, do you think that?” Captain Face said. “A cast-off commander — an unemployed military commander — who has little credit and can get only two pairs of gloves or two pairs of spurs without paying in advance, will, as swiftly as post-horses, by dealing with Doctor Subtle, arrive at competent means and money to keep himself, a woman for heterosexual sex, and a naked boy for homosexual sex in excellent fashion and be admired for it.”

Apparently, if you have enough money, you can be admired for unethical behavior. This is as true now as it was then. Quite a few highly respected rock stars have allegedly slept with underage girls. A rich USAmerican President has boasted about grabbing women “by the pussy.”

Kastril asked, “Will the Doctor teach this?”

Captain Face said, “He will do more, sir, when your land is gone, as men of spirit hate to keep earth long —”

He was saying clearly that Kastril would lose his land and so lose his income. Kastril would probably do this through gambling — Kastril had neglected to ask for a familiar spirit as Dapper had done to help him win at gambling. (Not that a familiar spirit would help him win at gambling.)

Kastril no doubt thought that being a man of spirit was a good thing.

Captain Face continued, “— in a vacation, when small money is stirring, and ordinaries are suspended until the term —”

London was much quieter during vacations between law terms. 

Captain Face continued, “— he’ll show you a perspective, where on one side you shall see the faces and the persons of all sufficient young heirs in town, whose bonds are current for commodity. On the other side, you shall see the merchants’ forms, and others, who without the help of any second broker who would expect a share, will trust such parcels. In the third square, you shall see the exact street and sign where the commodity is, and does but wait to be delivered, be it pepper, soap, hops, or tobacco, oatmeal, woad (a plant used to make blue dye), or cheeses. All of these things you may so handle, to enjoy to your own use, and never stand obliged to pay for them.”

As a man who had lost his money and land and the rest of his inheritance through gambling, Kastril would have to live by his wits. The “perspective” — possibly a magic mirror — that Doctor Subtle would supposedly show him would let him know who are the young men who are being cheated in the commodities swindle — taking out a loan and getting part of the loan in much overvalued commodities. It would also show him the merchants and others who would profit from supplying the commodities. Finally, it would show him where the commodities were stored. The heirs would get the commodities, have little use for them, and store them. Kastril, who was living by his wits, would break in and steal the commodities.

“Really!” Kastril said. “Is he such a fellow?”

He thought that getting the commodities without paying for them would be wonderful.

Face replied, “Why, Nab here knows him. And then for making wedding matches for rich widows, young gentlewomen, heirs, he’s the most fortunate man who can deliver the greatest amount of fortune when arranging a match. Doctor Subtle’s sent to, from far and near, from all over England, by people who want to have his counsel, and to know their fortunes.”

“By God’s will, my suster shall see him,” Kastril said.

He was a country boy, and he used the country-boy pronunciation of “sister.”

“I’ll tell you, sir, what he told me about Nab,” Captain Face said. “It’s a strange thing!”

He then said to Drugger, “By the way, you must eat no cheese, Nab. It breeds melancholy, and that same melancholy breeds worms, but forget it.”

Captain Face said to Kastril, “He told me that honest Nab here was never in a tavern but once in his life.”

Drugger said, “That’s the truth, and no more than once.”

Captain Face said, “And then he was so sick —”

With a hangover, no doubt.

Drugger said, “Could he tell you that, too?”

“How else would I know it?” Captain Face replied.

Drugger said, “In truth we had been out shooting and had a piece of fat ram-mutton for supper, and it lay so heavy on my stomach —”

Captain Face interrupted, “And he has no head to bear any wine; for what with the noise of the fiddlers, and care of his shop, for he dares to keep no servants —”

Drugger did not trust servants, and so he ran the shop by himself.

Drugger said, “My head did so ache —”

Captain Face said, “And he was eager to be brought home, Doctor Subtle told me, and then a good old woman —”

Drugger interrupted, “— yes, indeed, she dwells in Sea-coal Lane, and she did cure me with boiled ale and the plant known as pellitory of the wall. It cost me only two-pence.”

He hesitated and said, “I had another sickness that was worse than that.”

Captain Face said, “Yes, that was with the grief you suffered for being assessed at eighteen-pence for the water-work.”

Pump houses were being built in London to provide Thames River water to houses.

Drugger said, “That’s the truth, and it was likely to have cost me almost my life.”

“Your hair fell out?” Captain Face asked.

“Yes, sir,” Drugger said.

Baldness can be a sign of syphilis.

Drugger added, “The high assessment was done out of spite.”

Captain Face said, “That’s correct — so says Doctor Subtle.”

Kastril said, “Please, tobacco-boy, go fetch my suster. I’ll see this learned boy before I go, and so shall she.”

Captain Face said, “Sir, he is busy now, but if you have a sister to fetch hither, perhaps your own efforts may bring her here sooner, and he by that time will be free.”

Kastril said, “I am leaving.”

He exited.

Captain Face said, “Drugger, the widow is yours! You shall marry her! The damask!”

Abel Drugger exited.

Captain Face thought, Subtle and I must wrestle to decide who marries the widow.

Subtle was an older man, so Face would almost certainly win the wrestling match.

Face said out loud, “Come on, Master Dapper, you see how I turn clients here away so that we can give your cause swift dispatch. Have you performed the ceremonies we prescribed for you?”

Dapper replied, “Yes, I used the vinegar, and I put on a clean shirt.”

Captain Face said, “That’s good. That clean shirt may do you more good than you think. The Queen of Fairy, your aunt, is on fire, although she will not show it, to have a sight of you. Have you provided for her grace’s servants?”

Dapper was supposed to bring money for the servants of the Queen of Fairy.

Dapper replied, “Yes, here are six score Edward shillings.”

“Good!” Captain Face said.

These were shillings minted during the reign of King Edward VI.

 “And an old Harry’s sovereign.”

This was a sovereign minted during the reign of King Henry VIII.

Coins were identified by whose reign they were minted in because the amount of precious metal in the coins varied from sovereign to sovereign.

“Very good!” Captain Face said.

“And three James shillings, and an Elizabeth groat. Altogether, they are exactly twenty nobles.”

The sovereigns were King James I and Queen Elizabeth I.

“Oh, you are too exact,” Captain Face said. 

He would have preferred that Dapper bring more than exactly twenty nobles.

He added, “I wish you had had the other noble in Maries.”

Queen Mary I was the sovereign between King Edward VI and Queen Elizabeth I. After she married, both her portrait and her husband’s portrait appeared on coins.

Dapper said, “I have some Philip and Maries.”

These were coins bearing the faces of Queen Mary of England and her husband, the future King Philip II of Spain. Maries were rare because Bloody Mary reigned only one year before marrying Philip. She began her reign in July 1553 and married Philip of Spain on 25 July 1554. Philip of Spain became King Philip II of Spain on 16 January 1556, and Queen Mary died on 17 November 1558.

Captain Face said, “Yes, those are the best of all.”

Those coins were the best of all because they were in addition to the coins he had already received. Or Face may have been making a joke because those two sovereigns were NOT the best of all. Queen Mary I attempted to make England a Catholic nation again. Some Protestant bishops, including Archbishop Thomas Cranmer, were burnt at the stake, and other violence broke out, resulting in her being known as Bloody Mary. As King Philip II of Spain, Philip attempted to invade England with the Spanish Armada in 1588. Fortunately, England decisively defeated the Spanish Armada. 

Captain Face asked, “Where are they?”

Dapper handed the coins to Captain Face, who said, “Listen, I hear the Doctor.”

— 3.5 —

Subtle, disguised as and wearing the costume of a Priest of Fairy, entered the room. He was carrying a strip of cloth.      

Using a feigned voice, Subtle asked, “Has her grace’s cousin come yet?”

Captain Face said, “He has come.”

“And is he fasting?” Subtle asked.

“Yes.”

“And has he cried ‘hum’?”

Face said to Dapper, “Thrice, you must answer.”

Dapper said, “Thrice.”

Subtle asked, “And as often has he said ‘buzz’?”

Face said to Dapper, “If you have, say so.”

Dapper said, “I have.”

Subtle said, “Then, to her cuz, aka nephew, hoping that he has vinegared his senses as he was bid, the Fairy Queen dispenses by me this robe, the petticoat of Lady Fortune. This petticoat he immediately must put on, she importunes. And though to Lady Fortune near be her petticoat, yet nearer is her smock, the Queen does note.”

A smock is a ladies’ undergarment. Subtle was identifying Lady Fortune and the Queen of Fairy as the same person.

Subtle, disguised as a Priest of Fairy, continued, “And therefore, a piece of her smock the Queen of Fairy has sent. When Dapper was a child, a piece of her smock was rent to wrap him in, and she requests that for a scarf he now will wear it with as much love as then her grace did tear it, around his eyes to show he is fortunate.”

They used the piece of ladies’ underwear to blindfold Dapper’s eyes.

Subtle continued, still using a feigned voice, “And, trusting to her to make his fortune and estate, the Queen of Fairy wants him to throw away all worldly pelf — all money and valuables — that are on him. Once he has performed that, she will not doubt him.”

“She need not doubt him, sir,” Face said to the disguised Subtle. “Alas, he has nothing, except what he will part with as willingly, upon her grace’s word —” 

He said to Dapper, “Throw away your wallet.” 

He said to Subtle, “— as she would ask it.” 

He said to Dapper, “Throw away handkerchiefs and all.” 

He said to Subtle, “Whatever she orders, he’ll obey.”

Dapper threw away his wallet and handkerchiefs. In this society, handkerchiefs were expensive.

Face said to Dapper, “If you have a ring on you, cast it away, or if you have a silver seal at your wrist, throw it away, too. Her grace will send her fairies here to search you; therefore, deal directly with her highness. If they find that you conceal a mite, you are ruined.”

A mite is a small coin of little monetary value. 

In Luke 20:45-47 and 21:1-4 we read:

45 Then in the audience of all the people he said unto his disciples,

46 Beware of the scribes, which desire to walk in long robes, and love greetings in the markets, and the highest seats in the synagogues, and the chief rooms at feasts;

47 Which devour widows’ houses, and for a shew make long prayers: the same shall receive greater damnation.

1 And he looked up, and saw the rich men casting their gifts into the treasury.

2 And he saw also a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites.

3 And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all:

4 For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had. (King James Version)

The same story is told in Mark 12:38-44.

Face and Subtle are much more like the scribes who devour widows’ houses than they are like the widow.

Dapper said, “Truly, that’s all.”

“All what?” Face asked.

“All my money,” Dapper said. “I am telling the truth.”

Face said, “Keep nothing that is transitory about you.”

“Transitory” means “belonging to this transitory world.” That includes money and other wealth.

Face whispered to Subtle, “Tell Doll to play music.”

He then said to the blindfolded Dapper, “Look, the elves have come—” 

Doll played on a cittern in the next room.

Face continued, “— to pinch you, if you are not telling the truth. You have been warned.”

Face and Subtle pinched the blindfolded Dapper, who said, “Ow! I have a paper with a spur-royal in it.”

A spur-royal is a coin — a royal that has the design of a Sun and Sunbeams on it. The Sun and Sunbeams look like the rowel of a spur. A rowel is a small wheel with radiating spokes.

Face and Subtle began to speak in “Fairy,” using feigned voices. When Face translated the Fairy language, he used his normal voice. Subtle used two disguised voices: one for the Priest of Fairy, and one for the fairy.

Face said, “Ti, ti. 

“They knew it, they say.”

Subtle said, “Ti, ti, ti, ta. 

“He has more yet.”

Face said, “Ti, ti-ti-ti. 

“In the other pocket?”

Subtle said, “Titi, titi, titi, titi, titi. 

“The fairies must pinch him or he will never confess, they say.”

Face and Subtle pinched Dapper again.

Dapper said, “Ow! Ow!”

Face said, “No, please hold back — he is her grace’s nephew. 

“Ti, ti, ti? 

“The fairies say this: What do you care? In good faith, you shall care.”

Face then said to Dapper, “Deal plainly, sir, and shame the fairies. Show that you are an innocent.”

The phrase “an innocent” means both “a not-guilty person” and “a fool.”

Dapper said, “I swear by this good light, I have nothing.”

Subtle said, “Ti, ti, ti, ti, to, ta. 

“He does equivocate, she says.”

“To equivocate” means “to conceal the truth by using deceptive language.”

Subtle continued, “Ti, ti do ti, ti ti do, ti da.

“And he swears by the light when he is blinded.”

Dapper said, “I swear by this good dark, I have nothing but a half-crown of gold about my wrist, that my love gave me, and I have a leaden heart I have worn since she forsook me.”

Face said, “I thought it was something. And would you incur your aunt’s displeasure for these trifles? Come, I had rather you had thrown away twenty half-crowns.”

Indeed, he would. Twenty half-crowns are worth twenty times one half-crown.

Dapper took off the half-crown that he was wearing as a bracelet.

Face told him, “You may wear your leaden heart still.”

Lead is not a precious metal.

Doll entered the room hastily.

Face and Subtle went to Doll and talked to her quietly so that Dapper would not overhear them.

Face asked, “What is it?”

Subtle asked, “What is your news, Doll?”

Doll replied, “Yonder’s your Knight, Sir Mammon.”

Face said, “By God’s eyelid, we never thought of him until now! Where is he?”

Doll replied, “Here next to this room; he is at the door.”

Subtle said to Face, “And you are not ready to meet him! You are dressed as Captain Face, not as Lungs!” 

He then ordered, “Doll, get Lungs’ suit of clothing.”

Doll exited.

Subtle said to Face, “He must not be sent back.”

Face said, “You are correct. We must keep him here. What shall we do with this puffin we have here, now he’s on the spit?”

The puffin was Dapper. Puffins were seabirds whose young puffed up their feathers and looked plump and were considered a delicacy. (By the way, in this culture, proud people were called puffins.)

Dapper was metaphorically on the spit, ready to be roasted. Face and Subtle were getting everything of value that they could get from him. 

Subtle said, “Why, we’ll lay him back awhile, with some excuse. Let’s put him on the back burner. Sir Epicure Mammon is the big prize — the one we can get the most money from.”

Doll came back with the clothes Face wore when he was Lungs, the alchemist’s assistant.

Subtle said loudly, “Ti, ti, ti, ti, ti, ti.

“Would her grace speak with me? I am coming.”

He then said quietly, “Help me dress Face quickly, Doll!”

They began to dress him. 

Knocking sounded on the door.

Face asked, “Who’s there?”

Hearing the answer, he said, “Sir Epicure, my master’s in the way of my coming to you — he can’t know you’re here. Please walk three or four turns around the room, just until Subtle’s back is turned, and I’ll be able to serve you.”

He then whispered, “Quickly, Doll!”

Subtle went to Dapper and said out loud, “Her grace the Queen of Fairy commends her kindly to you, master Dapper.”

“I long to see her grace,” Dapper replied.

Subtle said, “She now is eating dinner in her bed, and she has sent you from her own private plate a dead mouse and a piece of gingerbread to be merry with and appease your hunger, lest you faint with fasting. Yet if you could hold out until she sees you, she says, it would be better for you.”

Face said, “Sir, he shall hold out, even if it were for two hours, for her highness, I can assure you of that. We will not lose all we have done.”

Subtle said, “He must neither see nor speak to anybody until then.”

Face said, “For that reason we’ll put, sir, a gag in his mouth.”

“A gag of what?” Subtle asked.

“Of gingerbread,” Face said. “You put it in. He who has pleased her grace thus far shall not now shrink back because of a little inconvenience.”

He said to Dapper, “Open your mouth, sir, and let him put the gag in.”

Subtle put the gingerbread in Dapper’s mouth.

Subtle and Doll spoke quietly together so that Dapper could not hear them.

Subtle asked, “Where shall we put him now?”

Doll replied, “In the privy.”

A privy is a latrine.

Subtle said to Dapper, “Come along, sir, I now must show you Lady Fortune’s privy lodgings.”

“Privy lodgings” are “private rooms.”

Face asked, “Are they perfumed, and is his bath ready?”

“All is ready,” Subtle said. “Only the fumigation’s somewhat strong.

One meaning of “fumigating” is “perfuming with aromatic plants.” Another meaning is “generating odorous fumes.”

Yes, the fumigation of a privy can be somewhat strong.

Subtle led Dapper away, and Doll Common carried away Face’s Captain’s uniform.

Face said, “Sir Epicure, I am yours, sir, by and by.”

He finished dressing as Lungs while Subtle, Doll, and Dapper exited. 

 

CHAPTER 4

— 4.1 —

Face, now dressed as Lungs, opened the door, let in Sir Epicure Mammon, and said, “Sir, you have come here at the absolute best time.”

“Where’s your master?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked.

“He is now preparing for projection, sir,” Face said. “Your metal stuff will all be changed into precious metals shortly.”

“Into gold?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked.

“Into gold and silver, sir.”

“I don’t care for silver.”

“Yes, sir,” Face said, “but there will be a little silver that you can give to beggars.”

“Where’s the lady?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked.

“She is at hand here,” Face said. “I have told her such brave and splendid things about you, especially about your generosity and your noble spirit.”

“Have you?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked.

“Yes, so much that she is almost in her fit because she is so eager to see you. But, good sir, speak about no theology in your conference with her for fear of putting her in a rage — a mad fit.”

“I promise you I won’t,” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

Face said, “If you do, six men will not hold her down, and then, if the old man — Doctor Subtle — should hear or see you —”

“Don’t worry about that,” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

Face continued, “— the whole house, sir, would run mad. You know it. You know how scrupulous he is, and violent, against the least act of sin. 

“Medicine, or mathematics, poetry, affairs of state, or bawdry, as I told you, she will endure, and never be startled at hearing about them, but say to her no word of religious controversy.”

“You have schooled me well, good Ulen.”

“And you must praise her family, remember that,” Face said, “and her nobility.”

“Leave it to me,” Sir Epicure Mammon said. “No genealogist at the College of Heralds, no, nor antiquary, aka student of history, Lungs, shall do it better. Go.”

Face thought, Why, this is yet a kind of modern happiness, to have Doll Common thought to be a great lady.

In this society, “happiness” meant both “good fortune” and “fitness,” and “modern” meant “common,” “trivial,” and “current.”

In other words, this is one of the things that Face was thinking: In our modern society, how fitting it is that a prostitute such as Doll Common should be thought to be a great lady.

Face exited to get Doll.

Alone, Sir Epicure Mammon said to himself, “Now, Epicure, heighten yourself.”

By “heighten yourself,” he meant, “Raise your level of discourse, and talk like a courtier.” Readers may be forgiven if they thought he meant, “Heighten and raise a certain part of my body.”

He continued, “Talk to her all in gold. Rain on her as many showers as Jove did drops on his Danaë.”

Jupiter, the Roman King of the gods, had appeared to Danaë after taking the form of a shower of gold. He made her pregnant, and she gave birth to the hero Perseus.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “Show that the god is a miser, compared with me, Mammon. What! The philosopher’s stone will do it. She shall feel gold, taste gold, hear gold, sleep gold; indeed, we will concumbere gold.”

Concumbere is Latin for “to have sex.” 

He continued, “I will be puissant and mighty in my talk to her.”

He heard a noise and said, “Here she comes.”

Face and Doll entered the room. Doll was richly dressed.

Face whispered to Doll, “Up and at him, Doll. Suckle him and nurse him along as if he were a baby.”

He then said out loud, “This is the noble Knight, I told your ladyship —”

Sir Epicure Mammon interrupted, “Madam, with your pardon, I kiss your vesture.”

“Vesture” is elevated language for “clothing” or “dress.”

Doll replied, “Sir, I would be uncivil if I were to endure that. My lip to you, sir.”

To kiss a lady’s dress is often not acceptable. When Doll replied, “My lip to you, sir,” she had her choice of two responses: 1) Doll could curl her lip at Sir Epicure Mammon to show that she was rejecting his uncivilized behavior, or 2) Doll could kiss him. Doll had to decide whether to play hard to get.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “I hope my lord your brother is in health, lady.”

Doll replied, “My lord, my brother is, although I am no lady, sir.”

One meaning of “lady” is “the female equivalent of a lord.” It has another meaning that also did not pertain to Doll.

Face thought, Well said, my Guinea bird.

“Guinea bird” is slang for “prostitute.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Right noble madam —”

Face thought, Oh, we shall have most fierce idolatry — make it iDOLLatry.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “— it is your prerogative; it is your right to be called ‘lady.’”

Doll replied, “Rather, it is your courtesy that makes you call me ‘lady.’”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Even if there were nothing else to make known your virtues to me, your answers reveal your breeding and your blood.”

Doll said, “Blood we boast none, sir. I am a poor Baron’s daughter.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Poor! And he begat you? Don’t be profane. Had your father slept all the happy remnant of his life after that act of procreation, just lying there still and panting, he would have done enough to make himself, his issue, and his posterity noble.”

Doll said, “Sir, although we may be said to lack the gilt and trappings, the dress of honor, yet we strive to keep the seeds and the materials.”

She was using the language of alchemy. “The seeds and the materials” meant “the essential elements.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “I see that the old ingredient, virtue, was not lost, nor was lost the drug money used to make your compound.”

He also was using the language of alchemy.

He continued, “There is a strange — foreign — nobility in your eye, this lip, that chin! I think you resemble one of the Austrian Princes.”

The Austrian Princes were Hapsburgs; the Hapsburg lip was a prominent lower lip. Look up images of the Habsburg lip, and you will see that his attempt to flatter Doll was an abject failure. Being of royal blood does not necessarily mean that one is good looking. Chances are, Sir Epicure Mammon knew little about what the Austrian Princes looked like.

Face thought, Very likely! Her father was an Irish costermonger. He sold fruit from a cart.

A “coster” is an apple, but costermongers sold other kinds of fruit, too. 

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “The house of Valois had just such a nose, and such a forehead the Medici of Florence still boast.”

Doll said, “Truly, I have been likened to all these Princes.”

Face thought, I’ll be sworn that it is true because I heard it.

Some guys, such as Sir Epicure Mammon, will say anything to get laid. In Doll’s case, “How much?” and “OK” are usually all that need to be said.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “I don’t see how! You don’t resemble any one Prince; rather, you have the very best of all their features.”

Face thought, I’ll go into another room and laugh.

He exited.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “You have a certain touch, or air, that sparkles a divinity, beyond an earthly beauty!”

Doll said, “Oh, you are playing the role of a courtier.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Good lady, give me leave —”

Doll interrupted, “Truly, I may not give you leave to mock me, sir.”

Sir Epicure Mammon finished, “— to burn in this sweet flame of love. The phoenix never knew a nobler death.”

The phoenix was a mythological Arabian bird that lived for five hundred years, burned itself up, and rose reborn from the ashes.

Doll said, “Now you court the courtier.”

She meant that he was out-doing the courtier — speaking more extravagant praise than even a courtier would speak.

She continued, “You destroy what you would build. This art, sir, that you put in your words calls your whole faith into question. By speaking such extravagant praise, you make me question your praise.”

 Sir Epicure Mammon said, “By my soul —”

Doll interrupted, “Oaths are made of the same air, sir. You can swear exaggerated oaths just like you say exaggerated praise.”

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “— Nature never bestowed upon mortality a more unblemished, a more harmonious physical appearance. She played the stepdame in all other faces.”

Stepmothers were thought to be less generous and caring than mothers.

He said, “Sweet madam, let me be particular —”

This society used “particular” to mean “familiar, intimate, close, friendly,” but Doll deliberately interpreted “particular” to mean sexually “familiar, intimate, close, friendly.”

She interrupted, “‘Particular,’ sir! I hope you know your distance!”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “I don’t mean ‘particular’ in any ill sense, sweet lady, but merely to be friendly enough to you to ask how your fair graces pass the hours? I see you are lodged here in the house of a rare and splendid man, an excellent artist, but what’s that to you? Why are you here?”

Doll said, “Yes, he is a rare and splendid man, sir. I study mathematics and astrology, as well as distillation and alchemy, here.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Oh, I see! I beg your pardon. He’s a divine instructor! He can extract the souls of all things by his art. He can call all the virtues and the miracles of the Sun into a temperate furnace. He can teach dull Nature what her own forces are. He is a man whom the Emperor has courted above Kelley and has sent him medals and chains — necklaces — to invite him to come to his court.”

Edward Kelley was an associate of John Dee; he was also an alchemist who claimed to have the philosopher’s stone. Because of this claim, Holy Roman Emperor Rudolph II of Germany invited him to his court. When Edward Kelley failed to make gold, Rudolph II had him imprisoned. In this society, chains can be necklaces, but Edward Kelley wore a different kind of chains in prison.

Doll said, “Yes, and for his medical art, sir —”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “His medical art is above the medical art of Aesculapius, who drew the envy of the Thunderer! I know all this, and more.”

Aesculapius was an ancient Greek doctor who could revive the dead. Out of fear that Aesculapius would make humans immortal, Zeus — known as the Thunderer because of the thunderbolts he threw as weapons — killed him.

Doll said, “Indeed I am wholly taken, sir, with these studies that contemplate Nature.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “That is a noble quality to have, but this form of yours was not intended to so dark a use. Had you been crooked, foul, of some coarse mold, a cloister would have done well as a place for you, but for such a physical appearance as yours, which might stand up the glory of a Kingdom, to live as a recluse is a complete solecism, even if it were in a nunnery.”

A solecism is an error; Sir Epicure Mammon believed it would be an “error” for Doll to sleep alone. A woman like her ought not to be “sole” — alone.

He continued, “It must not be. I wonder that my lord your brother would permit it. You should spend half my land first, if I were he. Doesn’t this diamond look better on my finger than in the quarry?”

“Yes,” Doll said.

“Why, you are like this diamond,” Sir Epicure Mammon said. “You were created, lady, for the light. Here, you shall wear it; take it, this is the first pledge of what I will say now. This will bind you to believe me.”

Taking the diamond, Doll asked, “To bind me in chains of adamant?”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Yes, the strongest bands. And hear a secret, too: Here, by your side, stands at this time the happiest man in Europe.”

“Happiest” meant “most fortunate” and “with the most fortune.”

Doll asked, “You are contented, sir?”

“Yes, in truth I am the envy of Princes and the fear of states.”

Princes would envy him because of his large amount of gold, and states — governments — would fear him because such a surplus of gold could wreck the economy.

“Do you say so, Sir Epicure?”

“Yes, and you shall be the proof of it, daughter of honor. I have cast my eye upon your beautiful form, and I will raise this beauty above all titles of rank.”

“You mean no treason, sir?” Doll asked.

“No, I will take away that suspicion from you,” Sir Epicure Mammon said. “I am the lord of the philosopher’s stone, and you are the lady of it.”

“What, sir!” Doll said. “Do you really have that?”

“I am the master of the mastery,” he said.

He meant that he was the master of the alchemist who had mastered the art of making the philosopher’s stone.

He continued, “This day the good old wretch of the house here has made the philosopher’s stone for us. Now he’s busy at projection. Think therefore what is your first wish now. Let me hear it, and it shall rain into your lap. It will be no shower of gold, but instead it will be floods of gold, whole cataracts, a deluge, that will beget a nation’s inhabitants with you.”

Zeus had used one shower of gold to be able to sleep with Danaë, and they had had one son. Sir Epicure Mammon intended to use whole floods of gold to sleep many times with Doll and to have many children with her.

Doll said, “You are pleased, sir, to work on the ambition of our sex.”

Apparently, according to Doll the ambition of women is to be very rich and to have many children.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “I am pleased the glory of her sex should know that this nook, here, of the Blackfriars area is no climate for her to live obscurely in. Here in Blackfriars she would learn medicine and surgery that would be fit for the constable’s wife living in part of a county in Essex.”

The constable’s wife could learn medicine and surgery that she could use to help other people, or someone such as Doll could learn medicine and surgery in order to help people such as the constable’s wife. Either way, people would be helping people — constables certainly also help other people by keeping law and order. This is in contrast to the life that Sir Epicure Mammon wanted Doll and himself to lead — life that is purely selfish.

He continued, “Instead, you should come forth, and taste the air of palaces. You should eat and drink the toils of empirical physicians, and their boasted practice. Their remedies include tincture of pearl, and coral, gold, and amber.”

Tincture of pearl was supposed to help the heart. Coralline was a sea-moss that was supposed to increase strength. Aurum potabile, Latin for “drinkable gold,” was an alchemical medicine. People wore amber bracelets in an attempt to find love.

He continued, “You should be seen at feasts and triumphs. You should have people ask about you, ‘What miracle is she?’ You should set all the eyes of people at court on fire, like a magnifying glass that is used to start fires, and you should burn their eyes to cinders because the jewels of twenty states adorn you, and the light emanating from the jewels and you strikes out the stars with the result that, when your name is mentioned, Queens look pale. You and I, just by showing our love, can cause Nero’s Poppaea to be lost in story! Thus will we have it.”

Poppaea was first the Roman Emperor Nero’s mistress and then his second wife. Odd stories were told about her and Nero, such as that Nero murdered his mother and divorced and later murdered his first wife so he could marry Poppaea. Supposedly, she bathed in the milk of asses. Nero is said to have killed her by kicking her in the abdomen while she was pregnant.

Sir Epicure Mammon, by saying that the romance of Doll and himself would make the romance of Nero and Poppaea become only a story when contrasted to their real romance, showed a lack of knowledge of ancient history.

Doll said, “I could well consent to living this kind of life, sir. But, in a monarchy, how will this be? The Prince will soon take notice, and seize both you and your philosopher’s stone, it being a wealth unfit for any private subject.”

Sir Epicure Mammon could very well end up in prison if word got out that he had a philosopher’s stone because flooding the economy with excessive amounts of gold could cause economic and political upheaval. Kings would prefer to have and control that gold themselves. Alchemists tried to work in secret because of the danger of imprisonment.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Yes, that could happen if the Prince knew of it.”

Doll said, “You yourself boast of having the philosopher’s stone, sir.”

If Sir Epicure Mammon boasted about having it, the Prince would sooner or later learn about it.

“I boast about it to you, my life,” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

Doll said, “Oh, but beware, sir! You may come to end the remnant of your days in a loathed prison if you speak about the philosopher’s stone.”

“That is no idle fear,” he replied. “We’ll therefore go with what we have, my girl, and live in a free state.”

A free state is a republic. 

He continued, “There we will eat our mullets, soaked in high-country wines, sup on pheasants’ eggs, and have our cockles boiled in silver shells.”

Mullets are fish that were Roman delicacies. Cockles are mollusks. Sir Epicure Mammon greatly desired fancy foods.

He continued, “Our shrimps will swim again, as they did when they lived, but this time they will swim in a rare butter made of dolphins’ milk, whose cream looks like opals, and with these delicate meats we will set ourselves high for pleasure, and take us down again, and then renew our youth and strength with drinking the elixir of life, and so enjoy a perpetuity of life and lust!”

A certain part of his body would certainly rise high and then lower again.

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “And you shall have a wardrobe that is richer than Nature’s, and will be able always to change your clothing, and vary it oftener, for your pride, than Nature, or than Art, her wise and almost-equal servant.”

Face entered the room and said, “Sir, you are too loud. I heard your every word in the laboratory. Go to some fitter place: the garden or the great chamber upstairs.”

He paused and then asked quietly, “How do you like her?”

Sir Epicure Mammon replied, “Excellent! Lungs, here’s something for you.”

He gave Face some money.

Face said quietly, “But listen to me. Good sir, beware, make no mention of the rabbis to her.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “We don’t even think about them.”

Face said, “Oh, that is well, sir.” 

Sir Epicure Mammon and Doll exited.

Face’s complaint about the noise they were making was simply an excuse to have Sir Epicure Mammon and Doll move to a place where they could have sex. Having sex with Sir Epicure Mammon was part of Doll’s contribution to the con game.

Face called, “Subtle!”

— 4.2 —

Subtle entered the room.

Face asked, “Aren’t you laughing?”

“Yes, I am,” Subtle said. “Are they gone?”

“All’s clear.”

“The widow has come.”

“And your quarrelling disciple, Kastril?”

“Yes.”

Face said, “I must put on my Captain’s uniform again then.”

“Wait,” Subtle said. “In the character of Lungs, bring them in first.”

“I meant to,” Face said. “What is she? A bonnibel?”

A “bonnibel” is an attractive woman. The French bonne et belle means “good and beautiful.”

“I don’t know,” Subtle said.

“We’ll draw lots to see who marries her,” Face said. “You’ll agree to that?”

She was rich, so good looks weren’t essential.

Subtle replied, “What else?”

Face said, “Oh, for a Captain’s suit, to fall now like a curtain! Flap! Right into my lap!”

He needed to make a quick costume change.

“Go and answer the door, man,” Subtle said.

Face said, “You’ll be able to kiss her first because I am not ready. She won’t let Lungs kiss her, although she will let Captain Face kiss her.”

Subtle said, “Yes, I will kiss her first, and perhaps hit you through both the nostrils.”

The modern idiom for “hit you through both the nostrils” is “put your nose out of joint,” which means “irritate you.”

Face asked at the door, “Who do you want to speak with?”

Kastril, standing outside, asked, “Where’s Captain Face?”

Face replied, “Gone, sir. He went to see about some business.”

“Gone!” 

Face said, “He’ll return quickly. But Master Doctor Subtle, his Lieutenant, is here.”

He opened the door, and Kastril, followed by Dame Pliant, came into the room.

Subtle said to Kastril, “Come near, my worshipful boy, my terrae fili — that is, my boy of land — make your approach.”

Terrae fili is Latin (vocative case). Literally, it means “son of the earth.” As an idiom, it means “bastard” — someone without property rights. If Kastril were to achieve his dream and live by his wits, he would have no land and no property rights.

Kastril and Dame Pliant walked over to him.

Subtle continued, “Welcome. I know your lusts, and your desires, and I will serve and satisfy them. Begin, charge me from thence, or thence, or in this line. Here is my center: ground your quarrel.”

His “center” was his stance. “Ground your quarrel” meant “State the reasons for your quarrel.”

Kastril wanted to learn to be an angry boy, and Subtle was starting the tutoring by asking Kastril to quarrel with him.

Kastril responded, “You lie.”

This was a great insult that could result in a duel to the death.

Subtle asked, “What, child of wrath and anger! The loud lie? For what reasons do you make that charge, my impulsive boy?”

Kastril said, “No, you look to the reasons. I am aforehand — I have made the first move.”

The art of quarreling and dueling had rules and protocol that Kastril did not know.

Normally, the accusation of lying was not made so abruptly. Also, the accuser was supposed to give reasons for making the accusation. If the accuser did not, his opponent would have the advantage of making the choice of weapons.

Subtle said, “Oh, this is no true grammar, and it is as ill logic!”

He was comparing the rules of quarreling to the rules of grammar and of logic. Earlier, Face had compared them to the rules of geometry. 

Subtle continued, “You must render reasons, child, your first and second intentions, know your canons and your divisions, moods, degrees, and differences, your predicaments, substance, and accident, series extern and intern, with their causes — efficient, material, formal, and final — and have your elements perfect.”

“What is this!” Kastril said. “What is this angry tongue he talks in?”

Subtle said, “That false precept, of being aforehand, has deceived a number of people and made them enter quarrels, often, before they were aware, and afterward, against their wills.”

Many people enjoyed quarreling, but they disliked risking their lives in a duel. These drama queens wanted to make a scene, but they did not want to die. Not knowing the rules of quarreling sometimes meant that they ended up in a duel they did not want to fight.

“How must I do this then, sir?” Kastril asked.

“I ask this lady for mercy and forgiveness,” Subtle said. “I should have greeted her first.”

He kissed her and said, “I call you ‘lady,’ because you are to be one before long, my soft and buxom widow.”

In this society, the word “buxom” meant “pliant.”

“Is she going to be a lady, indeed?” Kastril said.

One way to be a lady — the female equivalent of a lord — is to be married to a wealthy and distinguished man who is a lord. The wife of a Knight or a Baron or a Count is a lady.

“Yes, or my art is an egregious liar,” Subtle replied.

“How do you know?”

“By inspection of her forehead, and subtlety of her lip, which must be tasted often in order to make a judgment.”

He kissed her again.

One meaning of the word “subtlety” is “a confection chiefly made of sugar.”

Subtle said, “By God’s light, she melts like a myrobolane — a plum-like fruit.”

Looking at her forehead, he said, “Here is yet a line, in rivo frontis, that tells me the man she will marry is no Knight.”

This could mean she will marry “no mere Knight.” If so, Dame Pliant’s new husband would have a higher rank. Or it could mean that Dame Pliant would marry someone of lower rank than a Knight.

“In rivo frontis” is Latin for “the vein of the forehead.”

Again, Subtle was baffling the mark — the intended victim — with bullshit. However, it should be pointed out that the terms he used, whether of alchemy or of the art of quarreling or of astrology or of phrenology or of the art of palm reading were real terms, used correctly. Subtle was a learned man when it came to bullshit.

Dame Pliant asked, “What is he then, sir?”

Subtle said, “Let me see your hand. Oh, your linea fortunae, aka line of fortune, makes it plain. So does the stella, aka star, here in monte Veneris, aka the hill of Venus at the bottom of your thumb. But, most of all, the junctura annularis, aka joint of the ring finger, makes it clear.”

Subtle continued, “The man you will marry is a soldier, or a man of art, lady, but he shall have some great honor shortly.”

The soldier was Captain Face; the man of art was Subtle. The great honor to come was marriage to Dame Pliant, and possibly, lots of money from successful cons.

Dame Pliant said to her brother about Subtle, “Brother, he’s a rare and splendid man, believe me!”

Face, wearing his Captain’s uniform, entered the room.

Kastril said to his sister, “Hold your peace. Be quiet. Here comes the other rare and splendid man.”

He then said, “May God save you, Captain Face.”

“Good master Kastril!” Captain Face said. “Is this your sister?”

“Yes, sir. Will it please you to kuss her, and be proud to know her?”

“Kuss” was his country way of saying “kiss.”

“I shall be proud to know you, lady,” Face said, and then he kissed her.

Dame Pliant said, “Brother, he calls me ‘lady,’ too.”

“Yes, be quiet,” Kastril replied. “I heard it.”

He took her aside and talked to her quietly.

Face said to Subtle, “The Spanish Count has come.”

“Where is he?”

“At the door.”

“Why, you must entertain him.”

“What will you do with Kastril and Dame Subtle in the meantime?”

“Why, have them up in another room, and show them some fustian book, or the dark glass.”

“Fustian” means “worthless” and “bogus.” Originally, fustian was a cloth that was worth much less than silk but was often substituted for silk.

A dark glass is a fortune-teller’s crystal ball.

Captain Face said, “Before God, I say that Dame Pliant is a delicate dabchick! I must have her.”

A dabchick is a small waterfowl. Of course, Face was using it to mean “cute woman.”

Captain Face exited to see to the Spanish Count.

“You must, must you!” Subtle said. “Yes, if your fortune will, you must.”

He then said to Kastril, “Come, sir, Captain Face will come to us soon. I’ll take you to my chamber of demonstrations, where I will show you both the grammar and logic of quarrelling and the rhetoric of quarrelling. I will show you my whole method drawn out in tables, and I will show you my written instructions that have the several scales and degrees of quarreling drawn upon it. These instructions shall make you able to quarrel about the breadth of a straw when seen by moonlight.”

In other words, he would teach him how to quarrel about inconsequential things, things that other people would not even notice.

He added, “And, lady, I’ll have you look in a crystal ball some half an hour so you can clear your eyesight in preparation for the time you see your fortune, which is greater than I may judge in so short a time, trust me.”

Subtle exited, followed by Kastril and Dame Pliant.

— 4.3 —

Captain Face entered the room and asked, “Where are you, Doctor Subtle?”

From another room, Subtle said, “I’ll come to you quickly.”

Captain Face said to himself, “I will have this widow, Dame Pliant, now I have seen her, on any terms.”

Subtle entered the room.

“What do you have to say?” Subtle asked.

“Have you disposed of them?” Captain Face asked. “Have you found a way to keep Kastril and his sister the widow busy?”

“I have sent them up to another room,” Subtle said.

Captain Face said, “Subtle, truly I must have this widow.”

“Is that the main thing you want to talk to me about?”

“No, but hear me out.”

“Bah,” Subtle said. “If you rebel once, Doll shall know it all. Therefore be quiet, and see how your future turns out.”

Captain Face said, “You are so violent now. Do but conceive that you are old, and you cannot service —”

A bull services and impregnates a cow; Captain Face was saying that Subtle was incapable of servicing and impregnating Dame Pliant.

“Who cannot? I?” Subtle said. “By God’s light, I will service her along with you, for a —”

Either Subtle was proposing a threesome in which both he and Face would service Dame Pliant, or he was saying that he was potent enough to service both Dame Pliant and Face. 

Captain Face interrupted, “Please understand that I mean to give you monetary compensation if you let me have her.”

“I will not bargain with you,” Subtle said. “What! Sell my fortune? It is better than my birthright.”

Dame Pliant had money. Whoever married her would have access to her vagina and her money.

Subtle continued, “Do not murmur and complain. Win her, and carry her. If you grumble, Doll will know about this directly.”

Apparently, Doll was a jealous woman. Or perhaps she wanted all profits to be shared equally, and unfortunately for her, those profits would not include the rich widow’s estate. Or perhaps she simply wanted the three members of the gang — Subtle, Face, and Doll — to work together.

Subtle and Face would continue to compete for Dame Pliant, but if Face could win her consent to marry him, then he could carry her across a threshold.

Captain Face said, “Well, sir, I am silent. Will you go and help to fetch in the Spanish Don ceremoniously?”

He exited.

“I follow you, sir,” Subtle said to himself. “I know what kind of man you are. Doll and I must keep Face in awe, or he will look down on us like a tyrant.”

Captain Face returned with the Spanish Don, who was extravagantly dressed in fancy clothing, including a ruff around his neck. Neither Face nor Subtle thought that the Spanish Don could speak English, but the Spanish Don was actually Surly in disguise. Surly was hoping to get evidence to prove to Sir Epicure Mammon that Face and Subtle were con men.

Subtle, seeing the Spanish Don’s fancy clothing, said, “Brain of a tailor! Who comes here? Don John!”

Don John was the English version of Don Juan; Juan is a common Spanish name. Don Juan was a famous Spanish libertine.

The disguised Surly said, “Senores, beso las manos a vuestras mercedes. [Sirs, I kiss your honors’ hands.]”

Subtle said, “I wish that you had stooped a little and kissed our años.”

Neither Subtle nor Face knew much Spanish. In this encounter with the Spanish Don, they would sometimes speak garbled Spanish and sometimes speak a deliberate parody of Spanish.

Años is Spanish for “years,” but Subtle knew that Face would understand it as “asses.”

“Peace, Subtle,” Face said. “Be calm.”

“Stab me,” Subtle said. “I shall never be able to keep from laughing.”

He looked at the enormous ruff that the Spanish Don was wearing, and then he added, “He looks in that deep ruff like a head on a platter, served in by a short cloak upon two trestles.”

The trestles were legs.

Face joined in on the fun: “Or, what do you say to a collar of brawn, cut down beneath the souse, and wriggled with a knife?”

The head being served could be a pig’s head. A “collar of brawn” is the meat of a pig’s neck. A “souse” is a pig’s ear. “Wriggled with a knife” meant that the knife would be used to carve the lines of a ruff into the pig’s neck.

Subtle said, “By God’s blood, he looks too fat to be a Spaniard.”

Face said, “Perhaps some Fleming or some Hollander begot him during the time of Fernando Alvarez, Duke of Alva.”

During 1567-1573, Fernando Alvarez was the Governor-General of the Netherlands.

Face added, “This Spanish Don could be Count Egmont’s bastard.”

In 1568, Fernando Alvarez executed Netherlands patriot and rebel Count Egmont.

Subtle said, “Don, your scurvy, yellow, Madrid face is welcome.”

“Gratias [Thank you],” the disguised Surly said.

Subtle said, “He speaks out of a fortification. Pray God he have no squibs in those deep sets.”

“Squibs” are explosives. “Deep sets” were the deep folds of the ruff, which Subtle was likening to the crenels of a castle’s fortifications. 

The disguised Surly said, “Por dios, senores, muy linda casa! [By God, sirs, a very nice house!]”

Subtle asked, “What is he saying?”

“He is praising the house, I think,” Face replied. “I know no more than what he communicates with his gestures.”

Subtle said, “Yes, the casa [house], my precious Diego, will prove fair enough to cheat you in. Are you paying attention? You shall be cheated, Diego.”

Like Juan, Diego is a common Spanish name. From it, we get the derogatory word “dago” that is used to refer to native speakers of Spanish, Italian, or Portuguese.

Face said, “Cheated, do you see, my worthy Donzel, cheated.”

“Donzel” was a word Face made up: a diminutive of “Don.”

The disguised Surly said, “Entiendo. [I understand.]”

He did.

Not knowing what “entiendo” meant, Subtle said, “Do you intend it! So do we, dear Don. Have you brought the coins called pistolets or portagues, my solemn Don?”

He asked Face, “Do you feel any?”

Face felt the disguised Surly’s pockets and said, “Full.”

Subtle said, “You shall be emptied, Don, pumped and drawn dry, as they say.”

They intended for him to be emptied financially and sexually. Doll would have sex with him for money.

“You will be milked, truly, sweet Don,” Face said.

Subtle said, “You will see all the monsters; you will see the great lion of all, Don.”

Metaphorically, this meant that he would see all the sights. Lions were kept at the Tower of London. Monsters were people with disabilities: sideshow attractions. Literally, the Spanish Don would see Doll — and Subtle and Face.

The disguised Surly said, “Con licencia, se puede ver a esta senora? [With your permission, may I see the lady?]”

“What is he saying now?” Subtle asked.

“He is talking about the senora [lady].” Face replied.

Subtle said, “Oh, Don, that is the lioness, which you shall see also, my Don.”

Face said, “By God’s eyelid, Subtle, what shall we do?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why, Doll’s employed, you know. She’s with Sir Epicure Mammon.”

“That’s true,” Subtle said. “Before heaven, I don’t know what to do. He must wait, that’s all.”

“Wait!” Face said. “By no means must he be made to wait.”

“No!” Subtle said. “Why not?”

“He can’t wait unless you want to ruin everything,” Face said. “By God’s light, he will suspect that he is getting sloppy seconds, and then he will not pay, not half as well. This is a travelled punk-master, and he knows all the delays. He is a notorious hot-and-horny rascal, and he looks already rampant.”

A rampant lion is a lion that is standing on its hind legs. Face meant that the Spanish Don was horny and ready to have sex — now.

Subtle swore, “God’s death!”

He added, “And Mammon must not be troubled. He can’t be interrupted.”

“No way can he be interrupted!” Face said.

“What shall we do then?” Subtle asked.

“Think,” Face said. “You must be quick.”

The disguised Surly said, “Entiendo que la senora es tan hermosa, pue codicio tan verla, coma la bien aventuranza de mi vida. [I understand that the lady is so beautiful that I desire to see her as greatly as the greatest good fortune of my life.]”

Face said, “Mi vida! [My life!]”

In his mouth, the words sounded similar to “my widda,” aka “my widow.”

He added, “By God’s eyelid, Subtle, he puts me in mind of the widow. What do you say to persuading her to do it? Ha! What do you say to convincing her to sleep with the Spanish Don, and telling her it is her fortune? All our venture now lies on this. It is only one more man she will sleep with, and that need not concern either you or me, whichever of us ends up with her. After all, she’s a widow, and no longer a virgin. There’s no maidenhood to be feared or lost. What do you think about it, Subtle?”

“Who, I? Why —”

“The reputation of our house, too, is engaged,” Face said. “We have a reputation as a bawdy house to live up to.”

“You made me an offer for my share in the widow a short while ago,” Subtle said. “What will you give me, in faith?”

“Oh, by the light of these new circumstances,” Face said. “I’ll not buy your share of the widow now. You can have her. You know what you said to me. Just take your lot, and take your chances, sir. I say to you, Win her, and wear her out, as for me.”

“Win her and wear her” was a phrase about courting and marrying a woman. “Wear her” meant “consummate the marriage.” Face was saying to Subtle, You can win her and wear her out in the marriage bed, as far as I’m concerned.

Subtle said, “By God’s light, I’ll not work her as a prostitute for this Spanish Don then.”

He did not want to marry a whore.

“It is for the common cause; therefore, think about it,” Face said. “Doll otherwise must know about it. As you threatened me then, so I threaten you now.”

Presumably, Doll would be in favor of Dame Pliant sleeping with the Spanish Don if it would increase their —including Doll’s — profits. At least Face thought so.

“I don’t care,” Subtle said to himself but loud enough for Face to hear him.

He meant that he had changed his mind and didn’t care if Dame Pliant slept with the Spanish Don.

The disguised Surly said, “Senores, porque se tarda tanto? [Sirs, why so much delay?]”

Subtle said to himself but loud enough for Face to hear him, “Indeed, I am not fit. I am old.”

Subtle was admitting that he, Subtle, was impotent. Earlier, Face had said that Subtle was impotent, but Subtle had denied it. But even earlier, Face had said that he and Subtle would draw straws to see who would sleep with Doll. Face believed even then that Subtle was impotent, and he was teasing him. 

Subtle was admitting to himself that he was impotent and he was trying to convince himself that he did not care if Dame Pliant slept with the Spanish Don. Why should he care who had her if he could not? Still, the idea of marrying a whore bothered him. Even an impotent man does not want to be a cuckold.

Face said, “That’s now no reason, sir.”

He meant that Subtle’s impotence was no reason not to persuade Dame Pliant to sleep with the Spanish Don. It might be a reason not to marry the widow, but that was not relevant now.

The disguised Surly asked, “Puede ser de hazer burla de mi amor? [Can it be that you are making fun of my love?]”

Face said, “You hear the Don, too! I swear by this air, I will call Doll, and I will loosen the hinges of our agreement to work together.”

Doll, Face, and Subtle were supposed to work for the common good of each other and to share equally the profits.

Face called, “Doll!”

Subtle cursed, “A plague of hell —”

“Will you do it, then?” Face asked.

“You are a terrible rogue!” Subtle said. “I’ll remember this.”

What Face was doing was venal. Dame Pliant was a respectable woman who had probably slept with only one man: her late husband. Face was turning her into a whore. He wanted to trick her into sleeping with the Spanish Don by saying that the Don would marry her.

Subtle then asked, “Will you, sir, call the widow here?”

Face said, “Yes, and I’ll take her, too, with all her faults, now I think on it better.”

“You are welcome to her with all my heart, sir,” Subtle said. “Am I discharged of the lot?”

If Face would marry the widow, Subtle was willing to persuade the widow to sleep with the Spanish Don. He did not like Face, and Face’s marrying a prostitute would be a form of revenge on him.

Face replied, “As you please.”

Subtle said, “Shake on it.”

They shook hands.

Face said, “Remember now, that upon any change of events, you will never claim the widow as yours.”

“Much good joy, and health to you, sir,” Subtle said. “Marry a whore! Fate, let me wed a witch first.”

If Dame Pliant could be persuaded to sleep with the Spanish Don, that would make her a whore in Subtle’s eyes.

The disguised Surly said, “Por estas honradas barbas— [By this honorable beard —]”

Subtle translated, “He swears by his beard. Go, and call the brother, too, as well as the widow.”

Face exited.

The disguised Surly said, “Tengo duda, senores, que no me hagan alguna traycion. [I think, sirs, that you are tricking me.]”

Hearing “traycion,” Subtle said, “What? Issue on?”

Using a mixture of mangled “Spanish” and English, he said, “Yes, praesto, sennor [quickly, señor?]. Please you enthratha [enthrall?] the chambratha [bedchamber?], worthy Don, where if you please the Fates, in your bathada[bath?], you shall be soaked, and stroked and tubbed, and rubbed, and scrubbed, and fubbed, dear Don, before you go.” 

As part of the Spanish Don’s sexual experience, he would be given a sensual bath — and he would be given a financial bath. The word “fubbed” meant “cheated.”

Subtle added, “You shall truly, my scurvy baboon Don, be curried, clawed and flayed, and tawed, indeed.”

He was using words that described the tanning of leather. “Curried” meant “rubbed and beaten.” “Clawed” meant “scraped.” “Flayed” meant “skinned.” “Tawed” meant “soaked in alum and salt to make it supple” or “beaten to make it flexible.”

Subtle added, “I will with greater heart go about it now, and make the widow a prostitute so much the sooner in order to be revenged on this impetuous Face. The quickly doing of it is the grace.”

— 4.4 —

In another room of the house, Face, Kastril, and Dame Pliant talked. Face wanted to convince Dame Pliant to sleep with the Spanish Don. One way to do that was to convince her — and her brother — that she would marry the Spanish Don. Face, however, still intended to marry the widow. 

Captain Face said, “Come, lady. I knew that Doctor Subtle would not leave off until he had found the exact turning point of her fortune.”

Kastril said, “She will be a Countess, you say, a Spanish Countess, sir?”

Dame Pliant asked, “Is that better than an English Countess?”

“Better!” Face said. “By God’s light, how can you ask that question, lady?”

“She is a fool, Captain Face, you must pardon her,” Kastril said.

Captain Face said, “Ask anyone from your courtier, to your inns-of-court man, aka lawyer, to your mere milliner, and they all will tell you that your Spanish horse is the best horse, your Spanish bow is the best style of bow, your Spanish beard is the best cut of beard, your Spanish ruffs are the best ruffs to wear, your Spanish pavin is the best dance, your Spanish titillating perfume in a glove is the best perfume, and as for your Spanish pike and Spanish blade, let your poor Captain speak —”

Spanish pikes and Spanish sword blades from Toledo were of very high quality. 

He heard a noise and said, “Here comes Doctor Subtle.”

Subtle, carrying a paper, entered the room.

Subtle said to Dame Pliant, “My most honored lady, for so I am now to style you, having found by this horoscope I made for you that you are to undergo an honorable fortune, very shortly.”

A now obsolete meaning of the word “undergo” is to “submit.” Face and Subtle wanted Dame Pliant to submit to the Spanish Don and have sex with him.

Subtle continued, “What will you say now, if some —”

Face interrupted, “I have told her all, sir, and I have told her right worshipful brother here that she shall be a Countess; do not delay them, sir. A Spanish Countess. Do not postpone that happiness for them.”

Subtle said, “Always, my scarcely worshipful Captain Face, you can’t keep a secret!”

He then said to Dame Pliant, “Well, since he has told you, madam, forgive him, and I will do the same.”

“She shall do that, sir,” Kastril said. “I’ll look to it; it is my charge. I tell my suster what to do.”

Subtle said, “Well, then. Nothing remains except to fit her love now to her fortune.”

Dame Pliant said, “Truly I shall never endure a Spaniard.”

“No!” Subtle said. 

“Never since eighty-eight could I abide them,” Dame Pliant said, “and that was some three years before I was born, in truth.”

In 1588, the English Navy defeated the attacking Spanish Armada. Because of the attempted invasion of England, many English people hated Spanish people. King James I, however, wanted better international relations with Spain. Because of his efforts, Spanish things were growing fashionable at court.

Dame Pliant was born in 1591, and so she was nineteen years old.

Subtle said, “Come, you must love him, or be miserable. Choose which you will.”

Captain Face picked up a rush and said, “By this good rush, persuade her, or she will cry ‘strawberries’ and become a seller of fruit before twelve months have passed.”

In this culture, green rushes, a plant, were used as floor coverings instead of carpets.

A rush is an onslaught as well as a plant. Captain Face and Subtle would do their best to get Dame Pliant to sleep with the Spanish Don. Her brother unwittingly would help.

Face was saying that if Dame Pliant did not accept the Spanish Don, she would end up a poor fruit seller within a year.

Subtle said, “No, she will cry ‘herring and mackerel,’ which is worse. She will sell fish in the marketplace.”

“Indeed, sir!” Captain Face said.

Kastril said to his sister, “By God’s eyelid, you shall love him, or I’ll kick you.”

Dame Pliant replied, “Why, I’ll do what you want me to do, brother.”

Kastril said, “You better, or with this hand I’ll maul you.”

Face said, “Good sir, don’t be so fierce.”

“There is no need for you to be fierce, my enraged child,” Subtle said. “She will do what you tell her to do. Why, when she comes to taste the pleasures of a Countess! To be courted —”

Face interrupted, “And kissed, and ruffled!”

To be “ruffled” is to be “fondled,” but Face was also thinking of the Spanish Don’s ruff.

Subtle said, “Yes, behind the wall hangings.”

Wall hangings in inns often hid an alcove in which sex could take place.

Face said, “And then come forth in pomp!”

Subtle said, “And know her state!”

Her state is her social rank, which would be higher than it is now if she were to marry a Spanish Count.

Face said, “She would keep all the idolaters of the chamber — the courtiers — barer to her than they are at their prayers!”

The chamber could be a reception chamber or a bedchamber. People wore hats inside, but took them off to show respect. To Dame Pliant, they would bare their head — and perhaps more.

Subtle said, “She would be serviced upon the knee!” 

In other words, her servants would bend their knee to her, Or, perhaps, she would get on her knees and her servants would service her from behind the way a bull services a cow.

Face said, “And she would have her pages, ushers, footmen, and coaches —”

Subtle interrupted, “Her six mares —”

Face interrupted, “No, eight!”

Subtle continued, “— to hurry her through London, to the Exchange, Bedlam, the china-houses —”

These were places of interest in London. The New Exchanges had many dress shops and hat shops. Bedlam was a hospital for the insane; people could pay a fee to look at the patients. China-houses were shops that sold goods from the Orient.

Face said, “Yes, and have the citizens gape at her, and praise her clothing and my lord’s goose-turd bands of attendants who ride with her!”

The attendants would wear livery the color of goose-turds: dark green.

Kastril, who was impressed by social status, said, “Very splendid! By this hand of mine, you are not my suster, if you refuse to marry the Spanish Don.”

“I will not refuse, brother,” Dame Pliant said.

Disguised as the elaborately dressed Spanish Don, Surly entered the room and said, “Que es esto, senores, que no venga? Esta tardanza me mata! [What is this, gentlemen, that she does not come? This delay kills me!”

Face said, “The Spanish Count has come. By his art Doctor Subtle knew he would be here.”

In a poor attempt at Spanish, Subtle said, “En gallanta madama, Don! Gallantissima! [A gallant lady, Don! Very gallant!]”

The disguised Surly said, “Por todos los dioses, la mas acabada hermosura, que he visto en mi vida! [By all the gods, the most beautiful beauty whom I have seen in my life!]”

Face said, “Isn’t it a gallant language that they speak?”

“An admirable language!” Kastril said. “Is it French?”

“No, Spanish, sir,” Face replied.

Kastril said, “It goes like law French, and that, they say, is the courtliest language.”

Law French was a form of French used at the time in English courts of law, and so, yes, law French was a “courtly” language. Law French, however, was a bastard form of French that bore little resemblance to the French spoken in France.

“Listen, sir,” Face said.

The disguised Surly said, “El sol ha perdido su lumbre, con el esplandor que trae esta dama! Valgame dios! [The Sun has lost its light, on account of the splendor this lady brings! Oh, my God!]”

Face said to Kastril, “He admires your sister.”

“Shouldn’t she curtsey to him?” Kastril asked.

Subtle said, “By God’s will, she must go to him, man, and kiss him! It is the Spanish fashion for the women to make the first courting move.”

Face said to Kastril, “He is telling you the truth, sir. His art knows all.”

All, except for Spanish, among other things.

The disguised Surly asked, “Porque no se acude? [Why doesn’t she come to me?]”

Kastril said, “He speaks to her, I think.”

“That he does, sir,” Face replied.

The disguised Surly said, “Por el amor de dios, que es esto que se tarda? [For God’s sake, why is she waiting?]”

Kastril said, “She refuses to understand him!”

He then said to his sister, “Gull! Noddy! Fool!”

Dame Pliant asked him, “What did you say, brother?”

“Ass, my suster,” Kastril replied. “Go kuss him, as the cunning-man would have you. I’ll thrust a pin in your buttocks else.”

“Kuss” was his country way of pronouncing “kiss.”

Face said, “Oh, no, sir.”

The disguised Surly said, “Senora mia, mi persona esta muy indigna de allegar a tanta hermosura. [My lady, my person is very unworthy of attaining such beauty.]”

Dame Pliant kissed the disguised Surly, who returned her kiss.

Face said, “Does he not use her bravely?”

One meaning of “use” is “treat.”

“Bravely, indeed!” Kastril said.

Face said, “He will use her better.”

One meaning of “use” is “fuck.”

“Do you think so?” Kastril said, still thinking of “use” as “treat.”

The disguised Surly said, “Senora, si sera sererida, entremonos. [Lady, if it will please you, let’s go in.]”

Surly and Dame Pliant exited.

Kastril asked, “Where is he taking her?”

“Into the garden, sir,” Face said. “You have nothing to worry about. I must interpret for her.”

He was implying that he would chaperone them, although he had no intention of doing that.

Subtle whispered to Face, “Give Doll the word.”

He would give her the word that it was time for her to put on a mad act — to act as if she were suffering a fit of madness.

Face exited.

Subtle said to Kastril, “Come, my fierce child, come with me. We’ll go to our quarrelling lesson again.”

Subtle wanted to keep Kastril away from his sister and the Spanish Don.

“Agreed,” Kastril said. “I love a Spanish boy with all my heart.”

Subtle said, “Good, and by this means, sir, you shall be brother-in-law to a great Count.”

Kastril said, “Yes, I knew that right away. This match will advance the house, aka family, of the Kastrils.”

Subtle said, “I pray to God that your sister proves to be pliant!”

“Why, her name is ‘Pliant,’ by her other — first — husband,” Kastril said

“What!” Subtle said.

“She is the Widow Pliant,” Kastril said. “Didn’t you know that?”

“No, indeed, sir,” Subtle said. “Yet, by erection of her figure, I guessed it.”

“Erection of her figure” meant “casting of her horoscope.” The phrase could also mean her posture or that her figure caused erections.

Subtle said, “Come, let’s go practice the art of arguing.”

Kastril said, “Yes, but do you think, doctor, I shall ever quarrel well?”

“I promise that you will,” Subtle said.

— 4.5 —

In another room of the house, Doll was acting as if she were suffering from a fit of madness. Sir Epicure Mammon was with her. Doll’s ravings were based on Hugh Broughton’s book A Concent of Scripture (1590). Some religious people are insane, or at least their writings make them seem to be insane.

Doll said, “For after Alexander the Great’s death —”

Mammon attempted to calm her: “Good lady —”

Doll said, “Perdiccas and Antigonus were slain, and the two who stood, Selucus and Ptolemy —”

These four people were Alexander the Great’s generals. After Alexander the Great died, these four generals divided his Kingdom and then began jousting for additional power.

Sir Epicure Mammon tried again: “Madam —”

Doll continued, “— make up the two legs, and the fourth beast, that was Gog-north, and Egypt-south, which after was called Gog-iron-leg, and South-iron-leg —”

Sir Epicure Mammon tried again: “Lady —”

Doll continued, “— and then Gog-horned. So was Egypt, too. Then Egypt-clay-leg, and Gog-clay-leg —”

Sir Epicure Mammon tried again: “Sweet madam.”

Doll continued, “— and last Gog-dust, and Egypt-dust, which fall in the last link of the fourth chain. And these are stars in story, which none see, or look at —”

Sir Epicure Mammon said to himself, “What shall I do?”

Doll continued, “— for, as he says, unless we call the rabbis, and the heathen Greeks —”

Sir Epicure Mammon tried again: “Dear lady.”

Doll continued, “— to come from Jerusalem, and from Athens, and teach the people of Great Britain —”

Wearing the clothing of the alchemical assistant Lungs, Face entered the room hastily and asked Sir Epicure Mammon, “What’s the matter, sir?”

Doll continued, “— to speak the tongue of Eber, and Javan —”

Sir Epicure Mammon replied to Face, “Oh, she’s having a fit of madness.”

Doll continued, “— we shall know nothing —”

Face said, “Death, sir, we are undone!”

Doll continued, “— where then a learned linguist shall see the ancient used communion of vowels and consonants —”

Face said, “My master, Doctor Subtle, will hear her!”

Doll continued, “— a wisdom, which Pythagoras held most high —”

Sir Epicure Mammon said to her, “Sweet honorable lady!”

Doll said, “— to comprise all sounds of voices, in few marks of letters —”

Face said, “You must never hope to lay her now.”

“Lay her” meant 1) allay, aka calm, her, and 2) take her to bed.

Doll said, “— and so we may arrive by Talmud skill, and profane Greek, to raise the building up of Helen’s house against the Ismaelite, King of Thogarma, and his Habergions brimstony, blue, and fiery, and the force of King Abaddon, and the beast of Cittim, which rabbi David Kimchi, Onkelos, and Aben Ezra do interpret to be Rome.”

As Doll babbled, Face and Sir Epicure Mammon talked.

Face asked, “How did you put her into this fit of madness?”

Sir Epicure Mammon replied, “Unfortunately, by chance I talked about a fifth monarchy I would erect with the philosopher’s stone, and she immediately started blabbing about the other four monarchies.”

Some people who studied the end times believed that a fifth monarchy would destroy the four previous monarchies that were connected in some way to the four monarchies created by the four generals who divided Alexander the Great’s empire after Alexander died. During the thousand years of the fifth monarchy, Satan would be tied up and saints would rule in the name of Jesus. Sir Epicure Mammon’s fifth kingdom was quite different. With the elixir of life, he would live for a thousand years and have sex multiple times a day.

Face recognized the source of Doll’s ideas: “Straight out of Hugh Broughton’s works! I told you so! By God’s eyelid, stop her mouth! Make her be quiet!”

“Is that the best thing to do?”

“She’ll never leave otherwise. If the old man hears her, we are but feces, sediment after alchemical distillation, and ashes.”

From another room, Subtle shouted, “What’s going on in there?”

Face, “Oh, we are lost!”

Doll stopped babbling.

Face said, “Now that she hears him, she is quiet.”

Subtle entered the room, and Doll, Face, and Sir Epicure Mammon ran in different directions, looking for exits.

Doll exited, but Sir Epicure Mammon was slower to escape.

He said, “Where shall I hide myself!”

Subtle said, “What! What sight is here? Secret deeds of darkness, and deeds that shun the light!”

He said to Face about Sir Epicure Mammon, “Bring him back. Who is he? What, my son! Oh, I have lived too long!”

Sir Epicure Mammon lied, “No, good, dear father, there was no unchaste purpose.”

“There wasn’t! Ha! And yet you fled from me, when I came in this room!”

“That was my error.”

“Your error!” Subtle said. “That was your guilt — guilt, my son. Give it the right name. It’s no wonder that I have run into problems with our great work in the laboratory since such affairs as these were happening!”

Sir Epicure Mammon asked, “Have you run into problems?”

Subtle said, “It has stood still this past half hour. And all the rest of our works — the lesser works — have regressed. Where is the instrument of wickedness — Face, my lewd and false drudge?”

Face exited — quickly.

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “No, good sir, don’t blame him. Believe me, it was against his will or knowledge. I saw her by chance.”

Subtle said, “Will you commit more sin by making excuses for a varlet?”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “I swear by my hope, it is true, sir.”

He could have been swearing by his hope for an afterlife in Heaven or by his hope for the philosopher’s stone.

Subtle said, “Then since you saw her by accident, I wonder less that you, for whom the blessing was prepared, would so tempt Heaven and lose your fortunes.”

“What do you mean, sir?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked.

Subtle replied, “This will retard the work for a month at least.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Why, if it does, what is the remedy? But don’t think it will happen, good father.”

He lied about himself and Doll, “Our purposes were honest; they were pure and chaste.”

Subtle said, “As they were, so the reward will prove. If your purposes were pure and chaste, you have nothing to fear. If you had sex with her, you have much to fear — the philosopher’s stone will be ruined.”

A loud explosion sounded.

Subtle said, “What now! Ah, me! God and all saints, be good to us.”

Face entered the room.

Subtle asked him, “What was that explosion?”

Face replied, “Sir, we are defeated! Everything is ruined! All the alchemical works are blown in fumo — up in smoke. Every glass is burst. The furnace, and everything else is torn down! It is as if a thunderbolt had been driven through the house. Retorts, receivers of distilled liquids, pelicans, bolt-heads, and all the rest of our alchemical equipment has been struck into splinters and shards!”

Subtle pretended to faint.

Face said to Sir Epicure Mammon, “Help, good sir! Coldness and death are invading him. Now, Sir Mammon, do the fair offices of a man! You stand, shell-shocked, as if you were readier to depart this life than he.”

Knocking sounded. Doll was knocking hard on the door. She kept knocking.

Face asked, “Who’s there?”

He looked out the window and said, “My lord, the mad lady’s brother has come.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “What, Lungs!”

Face said, “His coach is at the door. Avoid his sight, for he’s as furious and hot-tempered as his sister is mad.”

“I’m in serious trouble!”

Face said, “My brain is quite undone with the fumes from the explosion, sir. I never can hope to fully recover and be myself again.”

“Is all lost, Lungs?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked. “Will nothing be preserved of all our cost?”

“Indeed, very little, sir,” Face said. “A peck of coals or so, which is cold comfort, sir.”

Sir Epicure Mammon mourned, “Oh, my horny mind! I am justly punished.”

“And so am I, sir.”

“I am cast from all my hopes —”

“Not hopes — certainties, sir.”

“— by my own base affections.”

Pretending to recover a little from fainting, Subtle said, “Oh, the curst fruits of vice and lust!”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Good father, it was my sin. Forgive it.”

Subtle said, “Why is my roof still hanging over us? Why hasn’t it fallen upon us and justly punished us because of this wicked man!”

Subtle hung his head.

Face said to Sir Epicure Mammon, “Look, sir, you grieve him now by staying in his sight. Good sir, the nobleman will come, too, and capture you, and that may breed a tragedy.”

“I’ll go,” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

“Yes,” Face said, “and repent at home, sir. It may be that for some good penance you may have it yet — say, a hundred pounds donated in the charity box at Bedlam —”

The box was for money to support the insane.

“Yes,” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

Face thought, — for the restoring of such people as … have their wits.

“I’ll do it,” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

“I’ll send someone to you to receive it,” Face said.

That someone would collect the hundred pounds but would not put it in the charity box. The money would go to the restoring of Doll, Face, and Subtle, who have their wits.

“Do,” Sir Epicure Mammon said. “Is no projection left?”

“All is blown to bits, or stinks, sir,” Face said.

“Will anything be saved that’s good for medicine, do you think?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked.

He was hoping that even if he could not have enough of the philosopher’s stone to turn base metal to gold, he might have at least a little of the elixir of life.

“I cannot tell, sir,” Face said. “There will be perhaps something gotten from scraping the shards that will cure the itch.”

Scraping the shards on itchy skin will relieve the itch.

Face thought, Though not your itch of mind, sir.

He meant the itch of greed for gold.

He continued, “It shall be saved for you, and sent to your home. Good sir, exit this way for fear the lord should meet you.”

Mammon exited.

Subtle raised his head and said, “Face!”

“Yes.”

“Is he gone?”

“Yes, and as heavily as if all the gold he hoped for were in his blood,” Face said. “Let us be lighthearted, though.”

Subtle got up from the floor and said, “Yes, let us be as light as balls and jump and hit our heads against the roof for joy. There’s so much of our care now cast away. Now we don’t need to worry about Sir Epicure Mammon expecting to possess the philosopher’s stone.”

Face said, “Now we need to turn our attention to our Spanish Don.”

Subtle said, “Yes, your young widow by this time has been made a Countess, Face; she has been working hard with the Spanish Don to produce a young heir for you.”

In this case, Subtle believed that the honeymoon had taken place before the wedding. He was happy that Face would marry a whore.

“Good, sir,” Face said.

Sometimes people are excessively polite when they very much dislike each other.

“Take off your alchemist’s assistant’s costume, and go and greet her kindly, as a bridegroom should, after these common hazards we have been through.”

“Very well, sir,” Face said. “Will you go fetch Don Diego away, while I take care of the widow?”

Diego was a common Spanish name that Face was using to refer to the Spanish Don.

“And I will get the better of him, too, if you’ll be pleased, sir,” Subtle said. “I wish that Doll were in the widow’s place so she could pick the Spanish Don’s pockets now!”

Face said, “Why, you can do it as well as she could, if you would set your mind to it. I hope that you will prove your skill at pickpocketing.”

“I will, for your sake, sir,” Subtle said.

— 4.6 —

Surly and Dame Pliant were talking together in another room of the house. Surly was still wearing the costume of the Spanish Don, but he had revealed his true identity to Dame Pliant. Surly was being honorable, and he had not had sex with Dame Pliant.

Surly said, “Lady, you see into what hands you have fallen! You see that you are among such a nest of villains! And you see how near your honor was to have certainly caught a clap, aka a misfortune, through your credulity, if I had only been as punctually forward as place, time, and other circumstances would have made most men. You’re a beautiful woman; I wish that you were wise, too!”

Another meaning of “clap” was the venereal disease “gonorrhea,” and another meaning of “punctually forward” was “point forward.” You can guess what was pointing.

Surly continued, “I am a gentleman who came here disguised only in order to find out the knaveries of this citadel, and because I might have wronged your honor and have not, I claim some interest in your love. You are, they say, a widow who is rich, and I’m a bachelor who is financially worth nothing. Your fortune in money may make me a man, as my fortune in life has preserved your reputation as a respectable woman. Think upon this, and decide whether I have deserved you or not.”

“I will, sir,” Dame Pliant replied.

Surly said, “And as for these household rogues, let me alone to deal with them.”

Subtle entered the room, still thinking that the Spanish Don spoke no English.

He asked, “How does my noble Diego, and my dear madam Countess? Has the Count been courteous, lady? Has he been liberal and open?”

The word “liberal” at this time also meant “licentious.”

Subtle continued, “Donzel, I think you look melancholic, after your coitum [Latin for ‘sex’], and you look scurvy. Truly, I do not like the dullness of your eye. It has a heavy cast, it is upsee Dutch, and it says you are a lumpish whoremaster.”

“Upsee Dutch” meant “in the manner of the Dutch,” who were reputed to be heavy drinkers. In other words, Subtle was accusing the Spanish Don of looking as if he had a hangover.

Subtle said, “Be lighter, just as I will make your pockets lighter.”

He attempted to pick the Spanish Don’s pockets.

Surly said, “Will you, Don Bawd and Pickpocket?”

He hit Subtle hard and said, “What do you think now? Are you reeling! Stand up, sir, you shall find, since I am so heavy, I’ll give you equal weight.”

Subtle shouted, “Help! Murder!”

Surly said, “No, sir, there’s no such thing as murder intended. A good cart and a clean whip shall ease you of that fear.”

The punishment that Surly intended for Subtle was being tied behind a cart and whipped as the cart was driven through public places.

Surly continued, “I am the Spanish Don whom you wanted to cheat, do you see — cheat! Where’s your Captain Face, that part-time dealer in stolen items and that full-time bawd — that wholly rascal?”

Wearing his Captain’s uniform, Face entered the room. Seeing the commotion, he looked closely at the Spanish Don and said, “What! Surly!”

“Oh, make your approach, good Captain,” Surly said. “I have found from whence your copper rings and spoons come, now, with which you cheat abroad in taverns.”

The copper rings and spoons were treated so that they looked like gold and could be sold at high prices.

Surly continued, “It was here that you learned to anoint your boot with brimstone, then rub men’s gold on it for a kind of touchstone, and say the gold was worthless, when you had changed the color of the touch so that you might have the gold for nothing.”

People used touchstones to test the purity of gold. Gold would be rubbed on the touchstone and the color it left revealed the purity of gold. In Face’s con, real gold would appear to be base metal, and Face could pocket it or buy it for much less than it was worth.

Surly continued, “And this Doctor Subtle, your sooty, smoky-bearded peer, will enclose so much gold in a flask, and turn aside and substitute for it another flask containing sublimed mercury that shall burst in the heat and fly out all in fumo — in lots of smoke! The gold appears to be lost, but instead Doctor Subtle has it.”

Surly had probably heard the noise of the recent explosion, and he could guess — more or less — what had happened.

He added, “Then weeps Sir Epicure Mammon. Then faints his worship: Doctor Subtle.”

Face slipped out of the room as Surly looked at Subtle.

Surly continued, “Or, he is the Faustus, who casts horoscopes and can conjure, cures plagues, hemorrhoids, and syphilis by the astrological almanacs, and exchanges information with all the bawds and midwives of three shires, while you — Captain! What! Has he gone? — send in pregnant women, barren wives, or waiting-maidens who suffer from the green sickness.”

Faustus used black magic — he received help from demons rather than from angels. Surly was accusing Subtle of using black magic to medically treat people, especially women suffering from sex-related problems. The green sickness was a form of anemia suffered by some women when they reached puberty, but people in this culture believed that it was caused by unrequited love.

Subtle may have been giving women abortions. One cure for the green sickness was thought to be sex, so he may also have been helping, or using Face to help, young women to need abortions.

Subtle attempted to leave, but Surly grabbed him and said, “No, sir, you must tarry, although Face has escaped, and you must answer by the ears, sir.”

He meant that Subtle would be placed in a pillory and have his ears cut off.

— 4.7 —

Face had gone to get help. He now returned with Kastril.

Face said to Kastril, “Why, now’s the time, if you will ever quarrel well, as they say, and be a true-born child. Both the doctor and your sister are being abused.”

“Where is the abuser?” Kastril asked. “Which is he? He is a slave, whatever he is, and the son of a whore.”

He asked Surly, “Are you the man, sir, I would know?”

Surly replied, “I am loath, sir, to confess so much.”

No one wants to confess to being an abuser, a slave, and the son of a whore.

Kastril replied, “Then you lie in your throat!”

In this culture, this insult was worse than the previous insults.

“What!” Surly said.

Face said to Kastril, “He is a very arrant rogue, sir, and a cheater. He was employed to come here by another conjurer who does not love Doctor Subtle, and would cross and thwart him, if he knew how.”

Surly said to Kastril, “Sir, you are being abused and treated badly. You are being lied to.”

Kastril replied, “You lie. And it is no matter.”

Kastril was still bad at quarreling. He had made the strong insult of “Then you lie in your throat!” without providing evidence. And he ought not to have meant it when he said, “And it is no matter.” It was an important matter indeed. People dueled to the death over insults such as being directly accused of lying. No one should say, “You lie in your throat,” and then say, “And it is no matter.”

“Well said, sir!” Face said. “He is the most impudent rascal —”

Surly said to Face, “You are the most impudent rascal indeed.”

Then he said to Kastril, “Will you hear me out, sir?”

Face said to Kastril, “By no means. Tell him to be gone.”

Kastril said to Surly, “Be gone, sir, and quickly.”

Surly said, “This is strange!”

He then said to Dame Pliant, “Lady, tell your brother what is going on.”

Face said to Kastril, “There is not such a cheater as this man in all the town. The doctor knew immediately that this man is a cheater, and finds still that the real Spanish Count will come here.”

Face whispered, “Bear up, Subtle. Go along with this.”

Subtle said to Kastril, “Yes, sir, the real Spanish Count will appear within this hour.”

Face said, “And yet this rogue would come in a disguise, after being tempted by another spirit, to trouble our art, although he could not hurt it!”

Kastril said, “Yes, I know.”

His sister whispered in his ear, and Kastril said, “Go away, you talk like a foolish mauther.”

“Mauther” was country dialect for “girl or young woman.”

Dame Pliant exited.

Surly said to Kastril, “Sir, everything she says is the truth.”

Face said to Kastril, “Do not believe him, sir. He is the lyingest swabber! Keep on the path you are traveling, sir.”

A swabber is a low-ranking sailor who swabs (mops) the deck.

Surly said, “You are valiant when you are in the midst of people backing you up!”

“Yes, and so what, sir?” Kastril asked.

Carrying a roll of damask cloth, Drugger entered the room.

Face said, “Here’s an honest fellow, too, who knows Surly, and all his tricks.”

He whispered to Abel Drugger, “Make good what I say, Abel. Back me up. This cheater — Surly — would have cheated you out of the widow.”

Face then said out loud, “Surly owes this honest Drugger here seven pounds — a debt that he has acquired by buying from him many, many two-penny worths of tobacco.”

At the time, a pound was worth 240 old pence. Therefore, Face was accusing Surly of charging and never paying for 840 purchases of two-penny worths of tobacco.

“Yes, sir,” Drugger said, “And he has damned himself by swearing falsely for three terms to pay me.”

The terms were periods of times in which the law courts were in session.

Face asked Drugger, “And what does he owe for lotium?”

Lotium is stale urine; it was used as a hair tonic.

Drugger replied, “Thirty shillings, sir. And he owes for six syringes.”

Surly said, “Hydra of villainy!”

The Hydra was a mythological multi-headed monster that Hercules had killed. Each time he cut off one of its heads, two more grew in its place. Hercules killed the Hydra by cutting off a head and then immediately cauterizing it.

Surly’s naming of the Hydra was fitting; his enemies were multiplying.

Face said to Kastril, “Sir, you must quarrel him out of the house.”

“I will,” Kastril replied. 

He said to Surly, “Sir, if you get not out of doors, you lie and you are a pimp.”

“Why, this is madness, sir,” Surly said. “It is not valor in you; I must laugh at this.”

Kastril said, “It is my disposition. You are a pimp and a trig, and an Amadis de Gaul or a Don Quixote.”

A “trig” is a “dandy.” Surly was dressed in fancy Spanish clothing. Amadis de Gaul is a hero in a Spanish romance; Don Quixote is the protagonist of a satire of Spanish romances.

Drugger said, “Or a Knight of the curious cockscomb, do you see?”

Surly was wearing a fancy Spanish hat.

Ananias the Anabaptist entered the room and said, “Peace to the household!”

To this common greeting, Kastril, the wanna-be angry boy, said, “I’ll keep my peace for no man.”

Ananias said to Subtle, “The casting of dollars is concluded to be lawful.”

Kastril asked, “Is he the constable?” He did not want to get in trouble for quarreling.

Subtle said, “Peace, Ananias. Be quiet.”

The casting of dollars is NOT lawful, and Subtle did not want too many people to associate him with the casting of dollars.

Face said to Kastril, “No, sir. He is not the constable.”

Kastril said to Surly, “Then you are an otter, and a shad, a whit. A very tim.”

Otters are difficult to classify. Are they fish or flesh? Kastril may have been saying that he found Surly’s sexual preference difficult to ascertain.

A “shad” is a herring. A “shotten herring” was an insult meaning “worthless.” Literally, a “shotten herring” is a herring that has spawned.

A “whit” is something small. As an insult for a man, it means the man has a small penis.

A “tim” is perhaps a timid man.

Surly asked, “You’ll listen to me, sir?”

“I will not,” Kastril said.

In this culture, the two quarreling men were supposed to talk to ascertain facts and to see if any extenuating circumstances existed.

Ananias asked Subtle, “What is the motive? Why are they quarreling?”

The word “motive” has a Puritan meaning: “supernatural prompting.”

Subtle replied, “Zeal in the young gentleman, against the other man’s Spanish breeches.”

Ananias said, “The Spanish breeches are profane, lewd, superstitious, and idolatrous.”

Spain was and is largely a Catholic country; Ananias, as an Anabaptist, hated Catholics.

Surly said, “Here are new rascals!”

Kastril said to Surly, “Will you be gone, sir?”

Ananias said, “Leave, Satan! You are not of the light! That ruff of pride about your neck betrays you; it is the same with that which the unclean birds, in the year fifteen seventy-seven, were seen to swagger on diverse coasts.”

Catholic priests were persecuted for a time in England, and so priests coming to England would wear disguises rather than clerical clothing. Some priests coming from Spain would wear Spanish ruffs. In 1577, large Spanish ruffs of the kind that Surly was wearing came into fashion. Around 1577, priests began wearing Spanish ruffs. In June 1577, some priests were arrested in Cornwall, and the English authorities began a crackdown on priests.

Puritans such as Ananias called Catholic priests “unclean birds” in part because of Revelation 18:2:

And he cried mightily with a strong voice, saying, Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird. (King James Version)

In addition, they called priests “unclean birds” because of reaction to a book. In 1580, Robert Persons, a Jesuit in England, anonymously published a book titled A Brief Discours contayninge certayne Reasons Why Catholiques refuse to goe to Church that defended Catholics and argued that Catholics refused to go to the Anglican Church on religious grounds, not on treasonous grounds. He used the pseudonym “I. Howlet”: a howlet is an owl. People responding to and criticizing the book seized on “Howlet” and referred to Catholic priests as “unclean birds.”

Ananias added, “You look like the Antichrist, in that lewd hat.”

Surly’s Spanish hat reminded Ananias of the Pope’s hat; Ananias regarded the Catholic Pope as the Antichrist.

Surly said, “I must give way to my enemies.”

Kastril said, “Be gone, sir.”

Surly began, “But I’ll be revenged on you —”

Ananias said, “Depart, proud Spanish fiend!”

Surly ended, “— Captain Face and Doctor Subtle.”

Ananias said, “Child of perdition!”

Kastril said, “Go away from here, sir!”

Surly exited.

Kastril asked, “Didn’t I quarrel bravely and splendidly?”

“Yes, indeed, you did, sir,” Face said.

“Indeed, if I give my mind to it and try hard, I shall quarrel properly,” Kastril said.

“Oh, you must follow him, sir,” Face said, “and threaten him until he is tame; otherwise, he’ll turn and come back here.”

Kastril said, “I’ll re-turn him then and have him face the exiting direction.”

He exited.

Subtle took Ananias aside and talked to him quietly.

Face said, “Drugger, this rogue forestalled us from helping you. We had determined that you would have come here wearing a Spanish suit of clothing and courted the widow, but he — a pimping slave! — put the Spanish suit of clothing on himself.”

He then asked, “Have you brought the damask?”

“Yes, sir,” Drugger replied.

Face said, “You must borrow a Spanish suit of clothing. Do you have any credit with actors?”

Actors would have items of Spanish clothing in their collection of costumes. 

Drugger said, “Yes, sir; didn’t you ever see me play the Fool?”

This was an in-joke. Acting troupes would have a lead comic actor to play the major comic roles such as professional Fools — and fools such as Drugger. Robert Armin, the comic actor who originated the part of Drugger, had played the Fool in William Shakespeare’s King Lear.

Face replied, “I don’t know if I have, Nab.”

He thought, But you shall play the fool, if I have anything to do with it.

He continued, “Hieronimo’s old cloak, ruff, and hat will serve. I’ll tell you more when you bring me those items of clothing.”

Hieronimo was the protagonist of Thomas Kyd’s play The Spanish Tragedy.

Drugger exited.

Ananias said to Subtle, “Sir, I know the Spaniards hate the Puritan brethren and have spies to watch their actions, and I have no doubt that this Spanish Don was one of those spies. 

“But the holy Synod — the ecclesiastical assembly — have been in prayer and meditation about the matter of coining, and it is revealed no less to them than to me that the casting of money is most lawful.”

“That is true,” Subtle said, “but I cannot do it here. If the house should happen to be suspected, all that Face and I are doing, including making the philosopher’s stone, would be revealed and we would be locked up in the Tower of London forever, to make gold there for the state. We would never come out of the Tower of London, and then you would be defeated in your purpose of getting much money for your cause.”

Ananias said, “I will tell this to the elders and the weaker brethren so that the whole company of the separation may join in humble prayer again.”

“And so they may join in fasting,” Subtle said.

“Yes, for some fitter place in which to cast money,” Ananias said. “May peace of mind rest within these walls!”

“Thanks, courteous Ananias,” Subtle said.

Ananias exited.

Face and Subtle were alone.

“What did Ananias come here about?” Face asked.

“He came about the casting of dollars,” Subtle replied. “He wanted to start doing it immediately and without taking any more thought about it. And so I told him that a Spanish minister came here to spy against the faithful —”

“I understand,” Face said. “Come, Subtle, you are so downcast when you suffer the least disaster! What would you have done if I had not helped you out?”

“I thank you, Face, for the angry boy, indeed,” Subtle replied.

Face said, “Who would have expected that Surly would have been the Spanish Don? He had dyed his beard and done everything else needed to impersonate a Spaniard.”

He pointed to the cloth that Drugger had brought and said, “Well, sir, here’s damask to make you a suit of clothing.”

“Where’s Drugger?” Subtle asked.

“He has gone to borrow for me a Spanish suit of clothing,” Face said. “I’ll be the Spanish Count, now, and marry the widow.”

“But where’s the widow?” Subtle asked.

“Inside, with my lord’s sister,” Face said. “Madam Doll is entertaining her.”

Subtle said, “Pardon me, Face, but now that I know the widow is still honest and chaste, I will stand again.”

He meant that he would compete again with Face for the widow’s hand in marriage. The word “stand” also had the meaning of “erection.”

“You will not attempt to compete for her hand in marriage!” Face said.

“Why not?”

“You must stand to your word,” Face said. “You said that you would not marry her. Or — here comes Doll. I will tell —”

“You are tyrannous still,” Subtle said.

“I am strict when it comes to my rights,” Face said.

Doll entered the room hastily.

Face said, “Hello, Doll! Have you told her that the Spanish Count will come?”

“Yes, but another person has come, a person you little looked for!”

“Who is that?”

“Your master,” Doll answered. “The master of the house.”

People in this society called the boss “master.”

Subtle said, “What, Doll!”

Face said, “She lies. This is some trick. Come, put your tricks aside, Dorothy.”

“Look out the window, and see for yourself,” Doll said.

Face went to the window.

“Are you telling the truth?” Subtle asked.

“By God’s light, forty of the neighbors are about him, talking,” Doll said.

“It really is my master,” Face said. “I swear it by this good day.”

Doll said, “It will prove to be an ill day for some of us.”

Face said, “We are undone, we are ruined, and we will be caught in the act.”

“We are lost, I’m afraid,” Doll said.

Subtle complained to Face, “You said he would not come as long as one person died each week within the liberties.”

The liberties were the suburbs outside the city walls.

Face said, “No. I said within the city walls.”

That area was much smaller, but actually Face had not specified this.

“Is that so?” Subtle said. “Then I beg your pardon. I thought it was in the liberties. What shall we do now, Face?”

“Be silent,” Face said. “Don’t say a word if my master calls or knocks. I’ll shave my beard and put on my old clothes again and meet him as the person he thinks I am: Jeremy the butler. 

“In the meantime, you two pack up all the goods and profits that we can carry in the two trunks. I’ll keep my master away from the house at least for today, if not longer, and then at night, I’ll ship you both away down the Thames River to Ratcliff, where we will meet tomorrow, and there we’ll share the goods and profits.

“Let Sir Epicure Mammon’s brass and pewter stay in the cellar. We’ll have another time to deal with that. But, Doll, please go and quickly heat a little water. Subtle must shave me: All my Captain’s beard must come off to make me appear again as smooth-faced and smooth-talking Jeremy the butler.”

He asked Subtle, “Will you do it? Will you shave me?”

“Yes, I’ll shave you as well as I can.”

“And not cut my throat, but trim me?”

“You shall see, sir.”

The words “shave” and “trim” also mean “cheat.”

 

CHAPTER 5

— 5.1 —

Outside the house, Lovewit — the master of the house — was talking with several neighbors.

Lovewit said, “Has there been such visiting, you say?”

Neighbor #1 said, “Daily, sir.”

Neighbor #2 said, “And nightly, too.”

Neighbor #3 said, “Yes, and some visitors were dressed as splendidly as lords.”

Neighbor #4 said, “There were ladies and gentlewomen.”

Neighbor #5 said, “Citizens’ wives.”

Neighbor #1 said, “And Knights.”

Neighbor #6 said, “In coaches.”

Neighbor #2 said, “Yes, and women who sell oysters.”

Neighbor #1 said, “Beside other gallants.”

Neighbor #3 said, “Sailors’ wives.”

Neighbor #4 said, “Tobacco men.”

Neighbor #5 said, “Another Pimlico!”

Pimlico was a crowded tavern in a resort area.

Lovewit asked, “What would my servant Jeremy the butler advertise to draw this large company of people? Did he hang out any banners advertising a strange calf with five legs to be seen, or a huge lobster with six claws?”

Neighbor #6 said, “No, sir.”

Neighbor #3 said, “We would have gone in the house if he had, sir.”

Lovewit said, “He has no gift of teaching in the nose that I ever knew of.”

Puritans were reputed to preach — a kind of teaching — with a nasal twang. 

Lovewit asked the neighbors, “Did you see any bills set up that promised the cure of fevers or the toothache?”

Neighbor #2 said, “We saw no such thing, sir.”

Lovewit asked, “Did you ever hear a drum struck to advertise the chance to see baboons or puppets?”

Neighbor #5 said, “We never have, sir.”

Lovewit said, “What kind of a scheme did Jeremy the butler bring forth now? I love an abundant wit and intelligence as I love my nourishment. I pray to God that Jeremy the butler has not kept such open house that he has sold my hangings and my bedding! I left him nothing else that he could sell. If he has ‘eaten’ them, then I say, ‘A plague on the moth!’ Or surely he has gotten some bawdy pictures to call together all this gang of people. He has been showing a bawdy picture of the friar and the nun, or a bawdy picture of the Knight’s courser sexually covering the parson’s mare, or a bawdy picture of a six-year-old boy with an enormous penis. Or perhaps, he has a flea circus in which fleas run at full tilt upon a table, or he has a dancing dog.”

He then asked, “When did you last see him?”

Neighbor #1 asked, “Who, sir, Jeremy?”

Neighbor #2 said, “Jeremy the butler? We haven’t seen him at all this month.”

“What!” a shocked Lovewit said.

Neighbor #4 said, “Not for the past five weeks, sir.”

Neighbor #6 said, “For the past six weeks at the least.”

“You amaze me, neighbors!” Lovewit said.

Neighbor #5 said, “To be sure, if your worship doesn’t know where he is, he’s slipped away.”

Neighbor #6 said, “Pray to God that he has not been made away. Pray to God that he has not been murdered.”

Lovewit said, “In that case, it’s not the time to ask questions.”

He knocked on the door of his house.

Neighbor #6 said, “About three weeks ago, I heard a doleful cry as I sat up mending my wife’s stockings.”

“It is strange that no one will answer the door!” Lovewit said. “Did you hear a cry, did you say?”

Neighbor #6 said, “Yes, sir, it was like the cry of a man who had been strangled for an hour and could not speak.”

Neighbor #2 said, “I heard it, too, exactly three weeks ago at two o’clock this coming morning.”

Lovewit said, “These are miracles, or you make them seem like miracles! A man was strangled for an hour and could not speak, and yet both of you heard him cry out?”

Neighbor #3 said, “Yes, downward, sir.”

Neighbor #3 may have meant that the cry came from the cellar.

Lovewit said, “You are a wise fellow. Give me your hand.”

They shook hands, and Lovewit asked, “Please, what is your trade?”

Neighbor #3 said, “I am a blacksmith, if it pleases your worship.”

“A blacksmith!” Lovewit said. “Then lend me your help to get this door open.”

Neighbor #3 said, “That I will immediately, sir, but let me fetch my tools.”

He exited.

Neighbor #3 said, “Sir, it’s best to knock again, before you break down the door.”

— 5.2 —

Lovewit said, “I will.”

A freshly shaven Face appeared on the scene outside Lovewit’s house. Face was wearing his butler’s livery.

Face asked, “What are you doing, sir?”

Some of the neighbors recognized him and said, “Oh, here’s Jeremy the butler!”

Face said to Lovewit, “Good sir, go away from the door.”

“Why, what’s the matter?” Lovewit asked.

“Move away farther,” Face said. “You are still too close.”

Lovewit said, “In the name of wonder, what does the fellow mean?”

“The house, sir, has been visited,” Face said.

“What, with the plague? In that case, you stand further away from me.”

“Don’t worry, sir,” Face said. “I didn’t catch the plague.”

“Who had it then?” Lovewit asked. “I left no one other than you in the house.”

“Yes, sir, my fellow, the cat that kept the buttery, had it on her a week before I spied it, but I got her conveyed away in the night —”

Domestic cats can catch the three major kinds of plague: bubonic, septicemic, and pneumonic.

Face continued, “— and so I shut the house up for a month —”

“What!” Lovewit said. This contradicted what the neighbors had told him.

Face said, “I intended to fumigate the house by burning treacle, tar, and vinegar infused with rose petals, which would have made the house sweet, so that you would never have known that plague had visited here because I knew the news would only upset you, sir.”

“Breathe less toward me, and from farther away! Why this is stranger: The neighbors here all tell me that the doors have always been open —”

“What, sir!” Face said, pretending to be shocked.

Lovewit said, “Gallants, men and women, and people of all sorts, rag-tag, have been seen to flock here in threaves, these ten weeks, as to a second Hogsden in the days of Pimlico and Eye-bright.”

By “threaves,” Lovewit meant “crowds.” A “threave” of corn is twenty-four sheaves of corn. Hogsden was a popular resort; now it is named Hoxton. Pimlico and Eye-bright were popular taverns.

“Sir, their wisdoms will not say so,” Face said.

Lovewit replied, “Today they speak of coaches and gallants. A woman in a French hood went in, they tell me, and another woman was seen in a velvet gown at the window.”

The woman in a French hood was Dame Pliant; the woman in a velvet gown was Doll.

Lovewit continued, “Many other people were seen to pass in and out.”

“They passed through the doors then, or the walls, I assure their eyesights and their spectacles,” Face said, “for here, sir, are the keys, and here they have been, in this my pocket, now more than twenty days, and as for before, I kept the fort alone there.

“Except that it is not yet late in the afternoon, I would believe that my neighbors had seen double through the black pot of beer, and created these apparitions in their minds! I swear on my Christian faith to your worship that for these three weeks and upwards, the door has not been opened.”

“This is strange!” Lovewit said.

Neighbor #1 said, “In good faith, I think I saw a coach outside here.”

Neighbor #2, “And so did I, I’d have been sworn.”

“Do you think it now?” Lovewit asked. “And was it only one coach?”

Neighbor #4 said, “We cannot tell, sir. Jeremy is a very honest fellow.”

Face asked, “Did you see me at all?”

Neighbor #1 said, “No; that we are sure of.”

Neighbor #2 said, “I’ll be sworn to that.”

Lovewit said, “You are fine rogues to have your testimonies built on!”

Neighbor #3, the blacksmith, returned with his tools.

Seeing Face, he asked, “Has Jeremy come!”

Neighbor #1 said, “Oh, yes; you don’t need your tools. We were deceived, he says.”

Neighbor #2 said, “He has had the keys, and the door has been shut these three weeks, he says.”

Neighbor #3 said, “That is likely enough.”

Lovewit said, “Peace, be silent, and go away from here, you changelings.”

Some of the neighbors exited.

Lovewit called the neighbors changelings because they had changed their testimony so quickly. Changelings were also idiots; according to folklore, fairies would sometimes steal an intelligent, healthy human child and leave a stupid child of their own in its place.

In the theater, “changeling” was a clever clue for some of the neighbors to leave. Some of the actors performing as neighbors doubled other roles and needed to leave to get into the costumes of Kastril, Ananias, and Tribulation Wholesome.

Surly and Sir Epicure Mammon entered the scene.

Face said to himself, “Surly has come! And he has acquainted Mammon with all the facts! They’ll tell everything to my master. How shall I beat them off? What shall I do? Nothing’s more wretched than a guilty conscience.”

— 5.3 —

Surly said sarcastically to Sir Epicure Mammon, “No, sir, he was a great physician. This, it was no bawdy house, but an absolute church! You knew the lord and his sister.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Good Surly —”

Surly continued, “The happy word, BE RICH —”

Sir Epicure Mammon continued, “Don’t play the tyrant.”

Surly continued, “— should be today pronounced to all your friends. And where are your andirons now? And your brass pots that should have been golden flagons and great wedges of precious metals — large ingots of gold and silver?”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Let me just say something. What! They have shut their doors, I think!”

“Yes, now it is holiday with them,” Surly said.

Sir Epicure Mammon and Surly began to knock on the doors.

“Rogues, cheaters, impostors, bawds!” Sir Epicure Mammon shouted.

Face asked, “What do you mean by knocking at this house, sir?”

Face was freshly shaven and he was wearing a servant’s livery, and so Sir Epicure Mammon and Surly did not recognize him.

Sir Epicure Mammon replied, “To enter it if we can.”

“Another man’s house!” Face said. “Here is the owner, sir: turn to him, and state your business.”

“Are you, sir, the owner?” Sir Epicure Mammon asked Lovewit.

“Yes, sir,” Lovewit replied.

“And are those knaves within your cheaters?”

“What knaves? What cheaters?”

“Subtle and his Lungs,” Sir Epicure Mammon replied.

“The gentleman is distracted, sir!” Face said. “No lungs nor lights have been seen here for the past three weeks, sir, within these doors, upon my word.”

The word “lights” was a pun. In this society, it meant “lungs.”

Surly said, “Do you swear to that, arrogant groom!”

“Yes, sir, I am the housekeeper,” Face said, “and I know the keys have not been out of my hands.”

“This is a new Face,” Surly said.

He did not recognize Face; he meant that here was a new person who was as arrogant as Face.

“You have mistaken this house for another, sir,” Face said. “What sign was the one you are seeking?”

Brothels and taverns and ordinaries had signs hanging outside. 

“You rascal!” Surly said.

He said to Sir Epicure Mammon, “This is one of the confederacy of villains. Come, let’s get police officers and force open the doors.”

Lovewit said, “I ask you to wait, gentlemen.”

“No, sir,” Surly said. “We’ll come back with a warrant.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “Yes, and then we shall have your doors opened.”

Sir Epicure Mammon and Surly exited.

Lovewit asked Face, “What is the meaning of this?”

“I cannot tell, sir,” Face replied.

Neighbor #1 said, “These are two of the gallants whom we think we saw.”

“Two of the fools!” Face said. “You talk as idly as they do.”

He said to Lovewit, “Truly, sir, I think the Moon has crazed them all.”

Seeing Kastril coming, he said to himself, “Oh, me, the angry boy has come, too! He’ll make a noise, and never go away until he has betrayed us all.”

Kastril knocked on the doors and shouted, “Rogues, bawds, slaves! You’ll open the door, immediately! Punk, cockatrice, my suster! By this light I’ll fetch the marshal to you. You are a whore to keep your castle —”

“Cockatrice” is a slang word for a whore, perhaps because the word contains the words “cock” and “trice.” The word “trice means “very quickly,” so the word “cockatrice” can be understood as meaning “cock in a very short time.”

Kastril was afraid that his sister had slept with the Spanish Don — or with someone else.

The freshly shaven Face asked, “Who would you speak with, sir?”

Kastril said, “The bawdy Doctor, and the cheating Captain, and puss my suster.”

Lovewit said, “There’s something to this, surely.”

Face said, “Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir.”

Kastril said, “I have heard all their tricks told me twice over by the fat Knight and the lean gentleman. They have told me the cons going on here.”

Sir Epicure Mammon and Surly were the fat Knight and the lean gentleman. Surly had worn padding as part of his disguise as the Spanish Don.

Lovewit said, “Here comes another group.”

Ananias and Tribulation Wholesome walked over to the group.

Face said to himself, “Ananias, too! And his pastor!”

Tribulation Wholesome knocked loudly on the doors and said, “The doors are shut against us.”

“Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire!” Ananias shouted. “Your stench of evil has broken forth; abomination is in the house.”

“Yes, my suster’s there,” Kastril said.

Ananias said, “The place, it has become a cage of unclean birds.”

Kastril said, “Yes, I will fetch the scavenger and the constable.”

The scavenger was a public official who hired people to clean the streets.

Tribulation Wholesome said to Kastril, “You shall do well if you do that.”

Ananias said, “We’ll join together in order to weed them out.”

Kastril shouted, “You will not come then, punk-device, my sister?”

“Punk” means “whore.” “Point-device” means “perfect attention to detail.” By calling his sister a punk-device, Kastril was calling her a “whore in every detail.”

Ananias said, “Don’t call her ‘sister’; she’s a harlot verily.”

To Ananias, a “sister” was a “female Puritan.”

Kastril said, “I’ll raise the street — I’ll call people here to help us.”

Lovewit said, “Good gentleman, a word.”

Ananias said, “Satan, leave us, and do not hinder our religious zeal!”

Ananias, Tribulation Wholesome, and Kastril exited.

“The world’s turned Bedlam,” Lovewit said. “Everyone’s gone crazy.”

Face said, “These people have all broken loose out of St. Katherine’s Hospital, where they are accustomed to keep the better sort of mad-folks.”

Neighbor #1 said, “All these persons we have seen going in and out of here.”

Neighbor #2 said, “Yes, indeed, sir.”

Neighbor #3 said, “These were the parties.”

“Silence, you drunkards!” Face said.

Then he said to Lovewit, “Sir, I wonder at this. If it would please you to give me permission to touch the door, I’ll test it to see if the lock has been changed.”

“This amazes me!” Lovewit said.

Face went to the door and said, “Truly, sir, I believe there’s no such thing. This is all deceptio visus — a hallucination.”

Deceptio visus is Latin for “the deception of sight.”

Face thought, I wish could get my master away from here.

From inside the house, Dapper shouted, “Master Captain! Master Doctor!”

Lovewit asked Face, “Who’s that?”

Face thought, He’s Dapper, our clerk within, whom I forgot about! 

He replied, “I don’t know, sir.”

From inside the house, Dapper shouted, “For God’s sake, when will her grace be at leisure?”

He was referring to the Queen of Fairy.

Face said, “Ha! Illusions! Some spirit of the air!”

He thought, Dapper’s gag of gingerbread has melted, and now he is displaying his throat by shouting.

From inside the house, Dapper shouted, “I am almost stifled —”

Face thought, I wish you were entirely stifled.

Lovewit said, “The shouting is from inside the house. Ha! Listen.”

Face said, “Believe me, sir. The shouting is in the air. It’s spirits.”

“Be silent, you,” Lovewit said.

From inside the house, Dapper shouted, “My aunt’s grace is not treating me well.”

From inside the house, Subtle said, “You fool, be quiet. You’ll ruin everything.”

Face spoke to Subtle through the keyhole, “If he doesn’t, you will.”

Unfortunately, Lovewit had moved closer to the door and Face had spoken loudly enough for Lovewit to overhear him.

“Oh, is that so?” Lovewit said. “Then you converse with spirits! Come, sir. No more of your tricks, good Jeremy. Tell me the truth, the shortest way — quickly and directly.”

Face requested, “Dismiss this rabble, sir.”

He was referring to the remaining neighbors.

Face thought, What shall I do? I have been caught!

Lovewit said, “Good neighbors, I thank you all. You may depart.”

The remaining neighbors exited.

Lovewit then said to Face, “Come, sir, you know that I am an indulgent master, and so therefore conceal nothing. What’s your medicine that can draw so many several sorts of wild fowl here?”

The medicine was a quack remedy that could be sold to “wild fowl” such as geese, aka fools. Without intending or knowing it, Lovewit was also referring to the alchemical medicine known as the elixir of life.

Face said, “Sir, you have been accustomed to appreciate mirth and wit — but in the street is no place to talk. Just give me leave to make the best of my fortune, and only pardon me the abuse of your house: It’s all I beg. In recompense for your forgiveness, I’ll help you to a widow, whom you shall give me thanks for. She will make you seven years younger, and she will make you a rich man. All that you will have to do is put on a Spanish cloak. I have the widow inside the house. You need not fear entering the house; it was not visited by the plague.”

Lovewit replied, “But it was visited by me, who came sooner than you expected.”

Face said, “That is true, sir. I ask that you forgive me.”

Lovewit said, “Well, let’s see your widow.”

They went inside the house.

— 5.4 —

Subtle was with Dapper in a room in the house. Dapper was no longer blindfolded.

Subtle said, “What! Have you eaten your gag?”

“Yes, indeed. It crumbled away in my mouth,” Dapper replied.

“You have spoiled everything then.”

“No! I hope my aunt of Fairy will forgive me.”

“Your aunt’s a gracious lady,” Subtle said, “but indeed you are to blame.”

“The fumes overcame me, and I ate the gingerbread gag to calm my stomach,” Dapper said. “Please explain that to her grace.”

Face entered the room. He was wearing his Captain’s uniform and a fake beard.

Dapper said, “Here comes Captain Face.”

Face said to Subtle, “What is this! Is Dapper’s mouth open?”

Subtle replied, “Yes, he has spoken!”

Face said quietly to Subtle, “Damn! I heard him when I was outside, and I heard you, too.”

He said loudly so Dapper could hear him, “He’s ruined then.”

He said quietly to Subtle, “I have been obliged to say that the house is haunted with spirits in order to keep the churl back.”

A “churl” is a country fellow. Face was referring to Lovewit, who had been in the country inspecting his hop yards. 

“And have you succeeded in keeping him away?” Subtle asked quietly.

“Yes, for this night,” Face replied.

“Why, then triumph and sing of Face so famous, the precious King of present wits,” Subtle said, praising Face for his success.

Face asked, “Didn’t you hear the disturbance at the door?”

“Yes, I did, and I dwindled with fear because of it,” Subtle said.

“Let’s show Dapper his aunt the Queen of Fairy, and then let’s get rid of him,” Face said. “I’ll send her in to you.”

Face exited.

Subtle said loudly to Dapper, “Well, sir, your aunt her grace will see you quickly, at my request and the Captain’s word that you did not eat your gingerbread gag in any contempt of her highness.”

“I certainly did not do it in any contempt of her highness, sir,” Dapper said.

Doll, dressed like the Queen of Fairy, entered the room.

Subtle said to Dapper, “Here she is. Get down on your knees and grovel. She has a stately presence.”

Dapper knelt, and then he groveled towards her.

Subtle said, “Good! Go nearer, and tell her, ‘God save you’!”

Dapper said, “Madam!”

“And your aunt,” Subtle prompted.

“And my most gracious aunt,” Dapper said. “May God save your grace.”

The disguised Doll said, “Nephew, we thought to have been angry with you, but that sweet face of yours has turned the tide, and made it flow with joy, although it recently ebbed of love.

“Arise, and touch our velvet gown.”

Subtle said, “Kiss her skirts.”

Dapper did.

Subtle said, “Good!”

The disguised Doll said, “Let me now stroke that head. Nephew, much shall you win, and much shall you spend. Much shall you give away, and much shall you lend.”

“Yes, much indeed,” Subtle said.

He then said to Dapper, “Why do you not thank her grace?”

Dapper said, “I cannot speak for joy.”

Subtle said to the disguised Doll, “See, the kind wretch! He is filled with love for his relative — you, his aunt. He is your grace’s true kinsman.”

The disguised Doll said to the air, “Give me the bird.”

She was pretending that the familiar spirit she was giving to Dapper was a bird in the fairy world.

In modern times, this can be a funny line because to “give someone the bird” means to boo them. On the New York opening night of Bitter Sweet, Noël Coward walked into Evelyn Laye’s dressing room and presented her with a silver box. When she opened the box, a mechanical bird emerged, flapped its wings, and sang. Mr. Coward said, “I wanted to be the first to give you the bird.”

The disguised Doll then gave an item to Dapper and said, “Here is your fly in a purse, which you will hang about your neck, nephew.”

The fly was the familiar spirit in the human world. In this society, many people believed that demons assumed the form of flies.

She added, “Wear it, and feed it in about a week from this day on your right wrist.”

Subtle said, “Open a vein with a pin and let it suck blood just once a week; until then, you must not look at it.”

The disguised Doll said, “That is correct, and nephew, be sure to bear yourself worthy of the blood you come from.”

Subtle said, “Her grace would have you eat no more Woolsack pies, nor Dagger frumety.”

“Frumety” was wheat cakes boiled in milk and then seasoned. Woolsack and Dagger were taverns.

The disguised Doll said, “And he should not break his fast in Heaven and Hell.”

Heaven and Hell were also taverns.

Subtle said, “She’s with you everywhere!”

He added, “Nor should you play with costermongers — sellers of fruit — at the game of mum-chance, the game of tray-trip, and the game of God-make-you-rich, which your aunt has done.”

The game of God-make-you-rich was a variant of backgammon.

Subtle added, “Instead, you must keep the gallantest company, and play the best games —           ”

“Yes, sir,” Dapper interrupted.

Subtle continued, “— such as gleek and primero, and be true to us and give us a share of what you win.”

Dapper said, “I swear by this my hand that I will.”

Subtle said, “You may bring us a thousand pounds before tomorrow night, even if only three thousand pounds are being gambled over — if you are willing.”

“I swear I will,” Dapper said.

“Your fly will teach you all games,” Subtle said.

Face whispered to Subtle from another room, “Have you done there?”

Subtle asked the disguised Doll, “Does your grace have any other duties to command him to do?”

“No,” the disguised Doll said, “except to come and see me often. I may chance to leave him three or four hundred chests of treasure and some twelve thousand acres of fairy land, if he gambles well and decorously with good gamesters.”

Fairies are thought to be long-lived, so even if fairies existed, Dapper would be unlikely to inherit these things.

Subtle said to Dapper, “There’s a kind aunt! Kiss her departing part.”

Dapper kissed the train of her gown — although her “departing part” could have been interpreted as her butt.

Subtle added, “But you must now sell your assets that earn you forty marks a year.”

“Yes, sir, I mean to,” Dapper said.

“Or, give those assets away,” Subtle said. “A pox on them!”

“I’ll give them to my aunt,” Dapper said. “I’ll go and fetch the legal papers.”

“That’s a good idea,” Subtle said. “Go now.”

Subtle knew, because Face had told him, that Dapper was “the sole hope of his old grandmother,” but Subtle was willing to con Dapper out of his inheritance.

Dapper exited.

Face entered the room and asked Doll, “Where’s Subtle?”

“Here I am,” Subtle said. “What’s the news?”

Face said, “Drugger is at the door. Go take from him his Spanish suit of clothing, and tell him to fetch a parson immediately. Tell him that he shall marry the widow. You shall earn and then spend a hundred pounds by doing this service!”

Subtle exited.

Face said, “Now, Queen Doll, have you packed up everything?”

“Yes.”

“And how do you like the Lady Pliant?”

“She is a good dull innocent.”

An “innocent” is a fool, someone innocent of the evil in the world.

Subtle returned, carrying a bundle, and said, “Here’s your Hieronimo’s Spanish cloak and hat.”

Face said, “Give them to me.”

“And the ruff, too?” Subtle asked.

“Yes,” Face said. “I’ll come back to you quickly.”

He took the clothing and exited.

Subtle said, “Doll, now he is gone about his project, the one I told you about, for the widow.”

Doll said, “It is directly against our agreement. We are supposed to share everything equally, and no one is supposed to have precedence.”

By marrying Dame Pliant, Face would gain Dame Pliant’s fortune.

Subtle said, “Well, we will fix him, wench.”

The word “wench” was often used affectionately.

He asked, “Have you gotten Dame Pliant’s jewels or bracelets from her?”

“No, but I will do it,” Doll replied.

Subtle said, “Soon at night, my Dolly, when we are shipped, and all our goods are aboard, eastward for Ratcliff, we will turn our course and instead go westward to Brainford, if you say the word, and take our leaves of this overweening, conceited, cocksure rascal — this peremptory Face.”

“Good idea. I’m weary of him,” Doll said.

Subtle said, “You have reason to be since the slave will run and get a wife, Doll, against the agreement that was drawn among us three.”

Doll said, “I’ll pluck his bird — Dame Pliant — as bare as I can.”

Subtle said, “Yes, tell her that she must by any means address and give some present to the cunning-man — me — to make him amends for wronging his art with her suspicion; she must send him a ring or a pearl necklace. If she does not, tell her that she will be tortured extremely in her sleep and have strange things — nightmares — come to her. Will you do this?”

“Yes.”

Subtle said, “My fine flitter-mouse, my bat, my bird of the night!”

A bird is a young woman. As a prostitute, Doll was a lady of the night.

Subtle added, “We’ll tickle it at the Pigeons, when we have everything and may unlock the trunks, and say that this is mine, and this is thine; and this is thine, and this is mine.”

They kissed.

“Tickle” meant “celebrate,” including “celebrate sexually.” They would tickle their throats with alcohol, and they would tickle other things. Subtle might be impotent, but there are multiple ways to have fun in bed.

Face returned and said, “What now! Busy a-billing?”

When doves caress each other, they are billing.

“Billing” also means “making a list,” something that Subtle and Doll had been doing with the profits before they kissed.

Subtle said, “Yes, we are a little high-spirited with the good passage of our work here.”

Face said, “Nab Drugger has brought his parson; take the parson inside, Subtle, and send Nab back again to wash his face.”

“I will,” Subtle said, “and shall I have him shave himself?”

“If you can get him to do it,” Face said.

“You are hot upon something, Face, whatever it is!” Doll said. “You are up to something!”

Face said, “I am up to a trick that shall allow Doll to spend ten pounds a month.”

He was lying.

Subtle returned.

Face asked, “Is Drugger gone?”

Subtle said, “The chaplain is waiting for you in the hall, sir.”

“I’ll go and take him where he needs to be,” Face said. 

He exited.

Doll said, “He’ll now marry her, immediately.”

“He cannot yet,” Subtle said. “He is not ready.”

Face was not wearing the Spanish clothing.

Subtle added, “Dear Doll, cheat Dame Pliant of everything you can. To deceive Face is no deceit; instead, it is only justice because Face is willing to break such an inextricable tie as ours was.”

“Leave it to me to fix him,” Doll said.

Face returned and said, “Come, my partners. You have packed up everything? Where are the trunks? Bring them forth.”

“Here they are,” Subtle said, pointing.

“Let’s see them,” Face said. “Where’s the money?”

Subtle pointed to a trunk and said, “Here, in this one.”

Face opened the trunk and said, “Sir Epicure Mammon’s ten pounds. Eight score pounds from previously. Here is the brethren’s money. Here is Drugger’s money, and here is Dapper’s money.”

He pointed and asked, “What paper’s that?”

Doll said, “It contains the jewel of the waiting maid’s, who stole it from her lady, in order to know for certain —”

Face interrupted, “— if she should rise in social status and have precedence over her mistress?”

Doll replied, “Yes.”

Face asked, “What box is that?”

Subtle said, “It contains the fish-wives’ rings, I think, and the ale-wives’ small coins.”

He asked, “Is that right, Doll?”

She replied, “Yes, and it contains the silver boatswain’s whistle that the sailor’s wife brought to you in order to learn whether her husband was with Captain Ward, the famous pirate.”

Face said, “We’ll wet it tomorrow, along with our silver beakers and tavern cups.”

He meant that they would sell the whistle and use the money obtained to buy drinks to wet their whistles.

He then asked, “Where are the French petticoats and girdles and hangers?”

The hangers were ornamental loops that could be put on a belt and used to hold swords.

Subtle said, “Here, in this trunk, and so are the bolts of fine linen.”

Face asked, “Is Drugger’s damask there, and the tobacco?”

Subtle replied, “Yes.”

“Give me the keys,” Face said.

“Why should you have the keys?” Doll asked.

“It doesn’t matter, Doll,” Subtle said, “because we shall not open the trunks before he comes.”

Of course, he intended to open them before Face arrived because he thought that Face would never arrive.

Face said to Subtle, “That is true: You shall not open them, indeed. Nor shall you take them forth, do you see?”

He looked at Doll and said, “Doll, you shall not take them away from here.”

“No!” an angry Doll said.

“No, my smock-rampant,” Face said.

On coats of arms, an animal could be shown rampant — on its rear legs and ready to attack. 

As a prostitute, Doll did much of her work in a smock — ladies’ underwear. Right now, she looked very much ready to attack.

Face said, “The truth is, my master knows all, he has pardoned me, and he will keep the trunks. Doctor, this is true — you look dumbfounded — despite all the horoscopes you cast.”

Face then lied, “I sent for my master to come here, indeed.”

He then said, “Therefore, good partners, both of you — both he and she — must be satisfied, for here ends our agreement: the indenture tripartite made among Subtle, Doll, and Face. All I can do for you now is to help you over the wall in the back of the house or lend you a sheet to save your velvet gown, Doll.”

Subtle and Doll could either escape by climbing over the back wall, or stay and be arrested. If they were arrested, Doll could be forced to make a walk of penitence wearing nothing but a sheet.

Face added, “Here will be police officers very quickly, so you need to think of some course of action immediately if you intend to escape the prisoners’ dock, for there you will end up if you don’t escape.”

Loud knocking sounded on the doors.

Face said, “Listen to the sound of thunder.”

Subtle said, “You are a precious and ‘precious’ fiend!”

One meaning of “precious” is expensive. Face had cost Subtle and Doll much wealth, so Subtle’s use of the word with that meaning was not sarcastic. Another meaning is “of great moral and spiritual value.” Face was not of great moral and spiritual value, so Subtle’s use of the word with that meaning was sarcastic.

A police officer shouted, “Open the door!”

Face said, “Doll, I am sorry indeed for you, but listen to me. It shall go hard with me, it shall be unpleasant for me, but I will place you somewhere. You shall have my letter of recommendation to Mistress Amo —”

Doll said, “Go get hanged!”

Face continued, “— or Madam Caesarean.”

Mistress Amo and Madam Caesarean were typical nicknames for women who ran brothels.

Amo is Latin for “I love you.”

Doll said, “A pox upon you, rogue. I wish I had time to beat you!”

Face said, “Subtle, let me know where you set up shop next. I will send you a customer now and then, for old acquaintance’s sake. What new course of action are you considering?”

Subtle replied, “Rogue, I’ll hang myself, so that I may walk as a greater devil than you, and haunt you in the flock-bed and the buttery.”

A flock-bed was stuffed with wool; the buttery was the pantry where food and drink were stored. As a butler, Face was in charge of the pantry.

Subtle was saying that he would kill himself so that he could haunt the places Face spent a lot of time.

Doll Common and Subtle exited.

—5.5—

Lovewit, wearing Spanish clothing, stood talking with the parson.

Loud knocking sounded at the door.

At the door, Lovewit asked, “What do you want, my masters?”

Sir Epicure Mammon replied, “Open your door, cheaters, bawds, conjurers.”

A police officer with him threatened, “Or we will break it open.”

“What warrant do you have?” Lovewit asked.

“Warrant enough, sir,” the police officer replied. “Don’t doubt that, if you’ll not open it.”

“Is there an officer out there?” Lovewit asked.

The police officer replied, “Yes, two or three in case they are needed.”

Lovewit said, “Have a little patience, and I will open it in a moment.”

Face entered the room; he was beardless and dressed as a butler.

Face asked Lovewit, “Sir, have you finished the ceremony? Is it a marriage? Is it duly and legally performed?”

“Yes, my brain,” Lovewit said, complimenting Face, aka Jeremy the butler.

“Then take off your ruff and cloak,” Face said. “Be yourself, sir.”

Lovewit removed the Spanish clothing.

Surly shouted from outside, “Knock down the door!”

Kastril shouted, “By God’s light, beat it open.”

Opening the door, Lovewit said, “Wait, wait, gentlemen, what is the meaning of this violence?”

Sir Epicure Mammon, Surly, Kastril, Ananias, Tribulation Wholesome, and the police officers rushed in.

“Where is this collier?” Sir Epicure Mammon shouted.

A collier is a man who deals in coal. Sir Epicure Mammon was referring to Subtle, who used much coal in his trade of alchemy.

Surly shouted, “And where is Captain Face?”

Sir Epicure Mammon began, “These day owls —” 

“— that are birding in men’s wallets,” Surly finished.

Owls hunt at night, but Subtle and Face went birding — hunting — by day in other men’s wallets. Subtle and Face were thieves.

Sir Epicure Mammon mentioned another person who had conned him and whose whereabouts he wanted to know: “Madam Suppository.”

A suppository is a plug used to give medicine vaginally or rectally. Doll had pretended to Sir Epicure Mammon that she was studying medicine. Unknown to but possibly suspected by Sir Epicure Mammon, Doll was a prostitute who very well might be called Madame Suppository. She was also a supposed lady who was not really a lady.

Kastril mentioned someone he wanted to see: “Doxy, my suster.”

A doxy is a whore.

“Locusts of the foul pit,” Ananias said.

“Profane as Bel and the dragon,” Tribulation Wholesome said.

“Bel and the Dragon” is a section of the extended Book of Daniel. These stories are part of the biblical apocrypha. Bel (a statue) and the dragon were both falsely worshipped; Daniel convinced the people not to worship them. 

The people who worshipped Bel and the dragon were worshipping idols. Such things occurred in Ben Jonson’s day and in our day, but modern idols tend to be money and the bad things that money can buy.

“Worse than the grasshoppers, or the lice of Egypt,” Ananias said.

Lovewit said, “Good gentlemen, listen to me.”

The commotion continued.

He asked, “Are you police officers, and you cannot stop this violence?”

The first police officer ordered, “Keep the peace.”

“Gentlemen, what is the matter?” Lovewit asked. “Who do you seek?”

“The chemical cozener,” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

“And the Captain pander,” Surly said.

“The nun who is my suster,” Kastril said.

“Nun” was an ironic way of saying “whore.”

“Madam Rabbi,” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

Doll had pretended to have religious knowledge while she was deceiving him.

“Scorpions and caterpillars,” Ananias said.

Lovewit said, “Fewer speak at once, please.”

The second police officer ordered, “Speak one person at a time, gentlemen. Take turns speaking. So I order you, by virtue of my staff.”

His staff was a symbol of his authority as a police officer.

Ananias said, “They are the vessels of pride, lust, and the cart.”

The cart was used in punishing criminals. A criminal could be placed on the cart and driven to the place of punishment, or the criminal could be bound and walk behind the cart while being whipped.

Lovewit said to Ananias, “Good zeal, lie still for a little while.”

“Peace, Deacon Ananias,” Tribulation Wholesome said. “Be quiet.”

Lovewit said, “The house here is mine, and the doors are open. If there are any such persons as you seek, use your authority and search the house in God’s name.”

He was hinting that perhaps the people they were seeking did not really exist.

He added, “I have only recently come to town, and to tell you truly, finding this tumult about my doors somewhat bewildered me until my butler here, fearing my greater displeasure, told me he had done something somewhat insolent — he had rented my house (probably he was presuming on my known aversion to any air of the town while there was present the sickness of plague) to a Doctor and a Captain. Who they are, what they are, and where they may be, he doesn’t know.”

Sir Epicure Mammon asked, “Are they gone?”

“You may go in and search, sir,” Lovewit invited.

Sir Epicure Mammon, Ananias and Tribulation went into the interior rooms of the house.

Lovewit said, “Here, I find the empty walls worse than I left them; they are smoked, with a few cracked pots and glasses and a furnace, and the ceiling filled with graffiti made from the candle smoke and a drawing of ‘Madam with a Dildo’ written on the walls. I have met only one gentlewoman here. She is within, and she said that she was a widow —”

Kastril said, “Yes, that’s my suster. I’ll go thump her. Where is she?”

He went inside.

Lovewit continued, “— and she should have married a Spanish Count, but he, when he came to it, neglected her so grossly, that I, a widower, am gone through with her.”

He had gone through the wedding ceremony with her.

Surly said, “What! Have I lost her then!”

“Were you the Spanish Don, sir?” Lovewit asked. “Truly, now, she does blame you extremely, and she says that you swore and told her you had taken the pains to dye your beard and darken your face with umber and had borrowed a suit of Spanish clothing and a ruff, all for her love — and then you did nothing. What an oversight and lack of putting forward an effort, sir, was this!

“An old musketeer can still fare well; he could prime his powder, and give fire, and hit, all in the twinkling of an eye!”

Lovewit, an older man, was hinting that he had consummated the marriage.

Sir Epicure Mammon returned and said, “The whole nest has fled!”

“What sort of birds were they?” Lovewit asked.

“A kind of choughs, or thievish daws, sir, who have picked my purse of eight score and ten pounds within these five weeks.”

Choughs are a kind of crow, and daws are jackdaws. These are birds that sometimes steal shiny items.

He continued, “In addition, I paid for the first materials — coals and chemicals — and my goods are lying in the cellar, which I am glad they have been left because I may still take them home.”

“Do you think so, sir?” Lovewit said.

“Yes.”

“You may have them by order of law, sir, but not otherwise,” Lovewit said. “A court must rule that these are your goods.”

“I can’t have my own goods!” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

“Sir, I can have no knowledge that they are yours, except by public laws,” Lovewit said. “If you can bring a legal certificate that you were gulled of them, or out of a court law any formal writ that you did cheat yourself, I will not hold them.” 

Lovewit knew what had happened. Sir Epicure Mammon had cheated himself by trusting con men. And, of course, he had been cheated. As a later con man, W.C. Fields, would say, “You can’t cheat an honest man.”

“I’d rather lose them,” Sir Epicure Mammon said.

If he were to testify in a court of law, everyone would know what a fool he had been.

Lovewit said, “You shall not lose your goods because of me, sir. Upon these terms I have given, they are yours. Were they all to have been, sir, turned into gold?”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “No, I cannot tell — it may be they would have been — what then?”

He was unwilling to admit that an alchemist had cheated him.

Lovewit said, “What a great loss in hope you have sustained!”

“Not I,” Sir Epicure Mammon said. “The commonwealth has.”

He was thinking of all the good he could have done with the alchemical gold, and he was not mentioning the decadent lifestyle he would have lived.

Face said, “Yes, he would have built the city anew and made around it a silver ditch, which would have run with cream from Hogsden so that, every Sunday, in Moorfields, the younkers and tits and tomboys would have drunk the cream, gratis.”

Younkers are young men, tits are young women, and tomboys are boisterous girls. “Gratis” means “free of charge.”

Sir Epicure Mammon said, “I will go and mount a turnip cart, and preach the end of the world, within these two months.”

Itinerant preachers often stood on a farm cart to preach. 

He looked at Surly and said, “Surly, wake up! Are you in a dream?”

Surly had been thinking about his own losses: Dame Pliant and her fortune. If he had married her without revealing that he was not a Spanish Don, she would be his. Instead, he had been honest and had revealed to her who he really was. Also, he had left her to reveal to his friend Sir Epicure Mammon that Sir Epicure was being cheated.

Surly said, “Must I necessarily cheat myself with that same foolish vice of honesty! Come, let us go and search for the rogues. That Face I’ll mark for mine, if ever I meet him.”

He meant that he would single Face out for punishment and that he would mark Face’s face with his fists.

Face said, “If I ever hear of him, sir, I’ll bring word to your lodging, for indeed they were strangers to me. I thought they were as honest as myself, sir.”

Lovewit appreciated the wit.

Sir Epicure Mammon and Surly exited. So did the police officers.

Ananias and Tribulation Wholesome returned.

Tribulation Wholesome said to Ananias, “It is well; the saints shall not lose all yet. Go, and get some carts —”

“For what, my zealous friends?” Lovewit asked.

Ananias said, “To bear away the portion of the righteous out of this den of thieves.”

“What is that portion?” Lovewit asked.

“The goods that used to be the orphans’, that the brethren bought with their silver pence,” Ananias replied.

“What, those in the cellar that the Knight Sir Epicure Mammon claims?” Lovewit asked.

Ananias said, “I do defy the wicked Mammon, as do all the brethren, you profane man! I ask you with what conscience you can advance that idol against us, who have the seal of God?”

He was referring to Revelation 9:4: “And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree; but only those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads” (King James Version).

Ananias continued, “Were not the shillings numbered that made the pounds? Were not the pounds counted out, upon the second day of the fourth week, in the eighth month, upon the table, the year of the last patience of the saints, six hundred and ten?”

By “the second day of the fourth week, in the eighth month,” he meant 23 October. In the calendar Anabaptists used, the first month was March. 

By the “last patience of the saints,” he meant the thousand years before the Second Coming.

By “six hundred and ten,” he meant the year 1610. According to Ananias, the Second Coming would occur in the year 2000 C.E.

Lovewit said to Ananias, “My earnest vehement botcher and deacon also, I cannot dispute religion with you verbally, but unless you get yourselves away from here very soon, I shall confute you with a cudgel.”

A botcher can be 1) someone who performs a task poorly, and/or 2) a tailor who repairs clothing rather than making new items of clothing.

“Sir!” Ananias said.

“Be calm, Ananias,” Tribulation Wholesome said. 

“I am strong, and I will stand up, well girt, against a host of enemies who threaten Gad in exile,” Ananias said. 

Genesis 49:19 predicted eventual victory for Gad: “Gad, a troop shall overcome him: but he shall overcome at the last” (King James Version).

Lovewit said, “I shall send you to Amsterdam, to your cellar.”

“I will pray there against your house,” Ananias said. “May dogs defile and pee on your walls, and wasps and hornets breed beneath your roof, this seat of falsehood, and this cave of cheating!”

Ananias and Tribulation Wholesome exited. 

Drugger arrived.

Lovewit asked, “Another one, too?”

Drugger replied, “Not I, sir, I am no brother.”

He meant that he was not a Puritan brother.

Lovewit beat him and said, “Go away, you Harry Nicholas! Dare you talk?”

By “Harry Nicholas,” Lovewit meant Harry Niclaes, an Anabaptist mystic whose sect Queen Elizabeth I suppressed and banned in 1580.

Drugger exited.

Face said to Lovewit, “No, he was no Anabaptist. This man was Abel Drugger.”

He then said to the parson, “Good sir, go and give him information. Tell him all is over: The widow has been married. He stayed at home too long, washing his face. He shall hear of the Doctor Subtle at Chester and of Captain Face at Yarmouth or some other good port town, waiting for a good wind so he can sail away.”

Drugger would either go on a wild goose chase or simply not try to find the Doctor and the Captain and instead stay at home.

The parson exited.

Face said to Lovewit, “If you can get rid of the angry child, now, sir —”

Kastril entered the room, dragging in his sister.

Kastril said to her, “Come on, you ewe, you have matched most sweetly, haven’t you? Didn’t I say that I would never have you tupped except by a dubbed boy so that you would be made a lady-tom?”

When a ram has sex with an ewe, the ram is said to have tupped the ewe, according to Kastril’s country language. “A dubbed boy” is a Knight, and Kastril had wanted his sister to marry a Knight so that she could be a lady. “Tom” is short for “tomboy,” but Dame Pliant was hardly a boisterous girl.

Kastril added, “By God’s light, you are a mammet! Oh, I could touse you, now.”

A mammet is a doll or puppet. By “touse,” Kastril meant “beat.”

He added, “Death, must you marry a pox!”

Lovewit said, “You lie, boy. I am as sound — as healthy and as free of the pox, aka syphilis — as you, and I’m aforehand with you.”

Lovewit knew the rules of arguing. He drew his sword.

Kastril asked, “Do you want to duel at once?”

“Come, will you quarrel?” Lovewit said. “I will frighten you away, Sirrah. Why don’t you draw your weapon?”

Kastril was ok with beating his sister; he was not ok with being killed by Lovewit. Therefore, Kastril said, “By God’s light, this is as fine an old boy as ever I saw!”

“Do you change your tune now?” Lovewit said. “Proceed.”

He waved his sword and said, “Here stands my dove. Swoop at her, if you dare.”

Kastril said, “By God’s light, I must love and respect him! I cannot choose not to, indeed, even if I should be hanged for it!”

He then said, “Suster, I protest that I honor you for this wedding match.”

“Oh, you do, do you, sir?” Lovewit said.

“Yes,” Kastril said, “and if you can take tobacco and drink, old boy, I’ll give her five hundred pounds in dowry for her marriage — five hundred pounds in addition to her own estate.”

“Fill a pipe full, Jeremy,” Lovewit ordered.

“Yes, but go in and smoke it there, sir,” Face, aka Jeremy, replied.

“We will,” Lovewit said. “I will be ruled by you in anything, Jeremy.”

Lovewit really did love wit — intelligence and quick thinking.

Kastril said, “By God’s light, you are not hidebound — you are a jovy boy!” Come, let us go in, please, and take our whiffs of tobacco.”

A “jovy” boy is a jovial boy.

Lovewit replied, “Whiff in with your sister, brother boy.”

Kastril and his sister went inside. 

Lovewit now said directly to you, the audience, “Any master who has received such happiness by means of a servant, in being provided with such a widow and so much wealth, would be very ungrateful if he would not be a little indulgent to that servant’s wit and help that servant’s fortune, though with some small strain of his own honor and reputation.”

Lovewit had kept property that he knew belonged to other people.

He continued, “Therefore, gentlemen and kind spectators, if I have outstripped an old man’s gravity or strict standard of conduct for an actor playing an old man, think what a young wife and a good brain may do.”

The brain belonged to Face, aka Jeremy.

Lovewit added, “They may stretch age’s truth sometimes, and crack it, too. I have behaved perhaps more vigorously than you would think an old man could, but so what?”

Lovewit then said to Face, aka Jeremy, “Speak for yourself, knave.”

“So I will, sir,” Face, aka Jeremy, replied.

Lovewit exited.

Face, aka Jeremy, then said directly to you, the audience, “Gentlemen, my part a little fell in this last scene, yet it was within the limits of what a character like mine can plausibly do. I started out doing good for myself only, but then I did good for my master. Please note that I did good only so that I could get out of trouble. I am as much of a scoundrel now as I was at the beginning. And although I have cleanly got away from Subtle, Surly, Sir Epicure Mammon, Doll, hot-tempered Ananias, Dapper, Drugger, and all with whom I traded and conned, yet I wish to avoid being punished by you. Therefore, I put my fate to you, who are my jury. Please know that if you acquit me, then this loot that I have gotten remains here, and I will feast you often, and I will invite new guests.”

Face, aka Jeremy, may have thought this: You don’t think I’m going to let Lovewit have the loot, do you? No, I have promised these readers that I will use the loot to feast them if they find me innocent. (There’s a name for that. What is it? Oh, yeah, a bribe.) And, of course, I will then treat the members of the audience the way I treat everyone else: I will cheat them, and I will find new people to cheat.

But the actor playing Face, aka Jeremy, may have thought this: Yes, the character I was playing cleanly got away from Subtle, Surly, Sir Epicure Mammon, Doll, hot-tempered Ananias, Dapper, Drugger, and all with whom my character traded and conned, yet I the actor playing him wish to avoid being punished by you, the audience. Therefore, I put my fate to you, who are my jury. Please know that if you acquit me, then this loot — the cause of your laughter that I have gotten — remains here, and I will feast you often, and I will invite new guests. You can either see this play in the theater, or re-read this retelling in this book. Either way, the cause of much laughter still remains here, and I hope that new audience members and new readers will enjoy it.

 

APPENDIX A: NOTES

Steps of Creating the Philosopher’s Stone

Probably some alchemists really believed that the philosopher’s stone could be created, while others were merely con men. Since alchemy is not a science, we ought not to be surprised that different numbers of steps are said by different authors to be needed to create the philosopher’s stone. And we ought not to be surprised that alchemists sometimes give alchemical terms different definitions in their writings.

When in the presence of Sir Epicure Mammon and other people they wish to con, Subtle and Face use many alchemical terms. These are real terms, but they are used to confuse the hearers and make Subtle and Face seem intelligent and knowledgeable. You readers of this book ought not to be worried about understanding the terms used by Subtle and Face because they are trying to confuse you, too. 

In case you are interested, here are the twelve gates (steps) of creating the philosopher’s according to English alchemist George Ripley (c. 1415-1490):

1. Calcination: “The breaking down of a substance by fierce heating and burning usually in an open crucible.” 

Source: http://www.alchemywebsite.com/alch-pro.html

2. Solution (or Dissolution): Dissolution is “[t]he dissolving or transforming of a substance into a liquid.” 

Source: http://www.alchemywebsite.com/alch-pro.html

3. Separation: “The making of two opposite components separate from each other. Often alternated with the conjunction process.” 

Source: http://www.alchemywebsite.com/alch-pro.html

4. Conjunction: “The joining of two opposite components, often seen as the union of the male and female, the subtle and gross, or even the elements.” 

Source: http://www.alchemywebsite.com/alch-pro.html

5. Putrefaction: “The rotting of a substance, often under a prolonged gentle moist heat. Usually the matter becomes black.” 

Source: http://www.alchemywebsite.com/alch-pro.html

6. Congelation: “Congelation is the process by which something congeals, or thickens.” 

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Congelation

7. Cibation: “The feeding of the substance being acted upon in a flask, with some reagent, usually a liquid.” 

Source: http://www.alchemywebsite.com/alch-pro.html

8. Sublimation: “This occurs when a solid is heated and gives off a vapour which condenses on the cool upper parts of the vessel as a solid, not going through a liquid phase. An example is sal ammoniac.” 

Source: http://www.alchemywebsite.com/alch-pro.html

9. Fermentation: “The rotting of a substance, usually of an organic nature, often accompanied by the release of gas bubbles.” 

Source: http://www.alchemywebsite.com/alch-pro.html

10. Exaltation: “An operation by which a substance is raised into a purer and more perfect nature.”        

Source: http://www.alchemywebsite.com/alch-pro.html

11. Multiplication: This is refining the philosopher’s stone to increase its potency so that a little of the philosopher’s stone will turn a vast quantity of base metal into gold.                                      

12. Projection: After the philosopher’s stone was created, a small part of it would be cast onto molten base metal; the philosopher’s stone would then turn the base metal to gold.

Equi clibanum (Act 1, Scene 1)

This is a quote from John French — The Art of Distillation — Book I:

If you would make a heat with horse dung, the manner is this, viz., make a hole in the ground. Then lay one course of horse dung a foot thick, then a course of unslaked lime a foot thick, and then another of dung, as before. Then set in your vessel, and lay around it lime and horse dung mixed together. Press it down very hard. You must sprinkle it every other day with water. When it ceases to be hot, then take it out and put in more.

Source: http://www.alchemywebsite.com/jfren_1.htm

Cart and Horse (Act 1, Scene 1)

The long quotation below comes from William Andrews (1848-1908), Medieval Punishments: An Illustrated History of Torture. Skyhorse Publishing; 1st edition (August 1, 2013). P. 227. I ran across it while researching the punishment of cart and whip and found it interesting, so I wanted to share it with you.

A fire occurred at Olney in 1783, and during the confusion a man stole some ironwork. The crime was detected, and the man was tried and sentenced to be whipped at the cart’s tail. [William] Cowper [1731-1800], the poet, was an eye-witness to the carrying out of the sentence, and in a letter to the Rev. John Newton gives an amusing account of it.

“The fellow,” wrote Cowper, “seemed to show great fortitude; but it was all an imposition. The beadle [parish constable, who was usually unpaid and part-time, according to Wikipedia] who whipped him had his left hand filled with red ochre [earthy pigment, aka color, in this case red], through which, after every stroke, he drew the lash of the whip, leaving the appearance of a wound upon the skin, but in reality not hurting him at all. This being perceived by the constable, who followed the beadle to see that he did his duty, he (the constable) applied the cane, without any such management or precaution, to the shoulders of the beadle. 

“The scene now became interesting and exciting. The beadle could by no means be induced to strike the thief hard, which provoked the constable to strike harder; and so the double flogging continued, until a lass of Silver End, pitying the pitiful [full of pity] beadle, thus suffering under the hands of the pitiless [without pity] constable, joined the procession, and placing herself immediately behind the constable, seized him by his capillary club, and pulling him backward by the same, slapped his face with Amazonian fury. 

“This concentration of events has taken up more of my paper than I intended, but I could not forbear to inform you how the beadle thrashed the thief, the constable the beadle, and the lady the constable, and how the thief was the only person who suffered nothing.” 

The Seven Ages of Man (Act 2, Scene 1)

The long quotation below is from The Treasury of ancient and modern Times (1613). It is the seven ages of man, supposedly as according to the Greek author Proclus.

The FIRST AGE is called Infancy, containing the space of foure years. [Birth-4 years old)

The SECOND AGE containeth ten years, until he attain to the yeares of fourteen: this age is called Childhood. [4-14 years old]

The THIRD AGE consisteth of eight yeares, being named by our auncients Adolescencie or Youthhood; and it lasteth from fourteen, till two and twenty yeares be fully compleate. [14-22 years old]

The FOURTH AGE paceth on, till a man have accomplished two and fortie yeares, and is termed Young Manhood. [22-42 years old]

The FIFTH AGE, named Mature Manhood, hath (according to the said author) fifteen yeares of continuance, and therefore makes his progress so far as six and fifty yeares. [42-56 years old]

Afterwards, in adding twelve to fifty-six, you shall make up sixty-eight yeares, which reach to the end of the SIXT AGE, and is called Old Age.­ [56-68 years old]

The SEAVENTH and last of these seven ages is limited from sixty-eight yeares, so far as four-score and eight, being called weak, declining, and Decrepite Age. [68-88 years old]

If any man chance to goe beyond this age, (which is more admired than noted in many) you shall evidently perceive that he will returne to his first condition of Infancy againe. [88 years old and over}

I divided the quotation into paragraphs.

The source is a footnote to this book:

As you like it. All's well that ends well

By William Shakespeare, Joseph Dennie, Isaac Reed, Samuel Johnson, George Steevens, William Richardson, Edmond Malone, Edward Capell.

http://tinyurl.com/m4qbw3t

Here is Jacques speaking about the seven ages of man in William Shakespeare’s As You Like It:

All the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts,

His acts being seven ages. [First Age] At first the infant,

Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms;

[Second Age] And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel

And shining morning face, creeping like snail

Unwillingly to school. [Third Age] And then the lover,

Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad

Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. [Fourth Age] Then a soldier,

Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,

Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,

Seeking the bubble reputation

Even in the cannon’s mouth. [Fifth Age] And then the justice,

In fair round belly with good capon lin’d,

With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,

Full of wise saws and modern instances;

And so he plays his part. [Sixth Age] The sixth age shifts

Into the lean and slipper’d pantaloon,

With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;

His youthful hose, well sav’d, a world too wide

For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,

Turning again toward childish treble, pipes

And whistles in his sound. [Seventh Age] Last scene of all,

That ends this strange eventful history,

Is second childishness and mere oblivion;

Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

The Parliament Fart (Act 2, Scene 2)

“The Censure of the Parliament Fart”

Never was bestowed such art

Upon the tuning of a Fart. 

Downe came grave auntient Sir John Crooke1

And redd his message in his booke.

Fearie well, Quoth Sir William Morris, Soe:

But Henry Ludlowes Tayle cry’d Noe.

Up starts one fuller of devotion

Then Eloquence; and said a very ill motion

Not soe neither quoth Sir Henry Jenkin

The Motion was good; but for the stincking

Well quoth Sir Henry Poole it was a bold tricke

To Fart in the nose of the bodie pollitique

Indeed I must confesse quoth Sir Edward Grevill

The matter of it selfe was somewhat uncivill

Thanke God quoth Sir Edward Hungerford

That this Fart proved not a Turdd

Quoth Sir Jerome the lesse there was noe such abuse

Ever offer’d in Poland, or Spruce [Prussia]

Quoth Sir Jerome in folio, I sweare by the Masse

This Fart was enough to have brooke all my Glasse

Indeed quoth Sir John Trevor it gave a fowle knocke

As it lanched forth from his stincking Docke [arse]. 

I (quoth another) it once soe chanced

That a great Man farted as hee danced.

Well then, quoth Sir William Lower

This fart is noe Ordinance fitt for the Tower.

Quoth Sir Richard Houghton noe Justice of Quorum

But would take it in snuffe [take offence] to have a fart lett before him.

If it would beare an action quoth Sir Thomas Holcrofte

I would make of this fart a bolt, or a shafte.

Quoth Sir Walter Cope ’twas a fart rarely lett

I would ’tweere sweet enough for my Cabinett.

Such a Fart was never seene

Quoth the Learned Councell of the Queene.

Noe (quoth Mr Pecke I have a President [precedent] in store

That his Father farted the Session before

Nay then quoth Noy ’twas lawfully done

For this fart was entail’d from father to sonne

Quoth Mr Recorder a word for the cittie

To cutt of the aldermens right weere great pittie.

Well quoth Kitt Brookes wee give you a reason

Though he has right by discent he had not livery & seizin

Ha ha quoth Mr Evans I smell a fee

It’s a private motion heere’s something for mee

Well saith Mr Moore letts this motion repeale

Whats good for the private is oft ill for comonweale3

A good yeare on this fart, quoth gentle Sir Harry3

He has caus’d such an Earthquake that my colepitts miscarry3

’Tis hard to recall a fart when its out

Quoth […] with a loude shoote

Source: http://www.earlystuartlibels.net/htdocs/parliament_fart_section/C1i.html

Note: The above poem appeared in the Musarum Deliciae (1656). The Latin means The Muses’ Delight.

Note: The fart emitted from Sir Henry Ludlow’s butt in 1607: It was his commentary on a message from the House of Lords. Sir Henry Ludlow was a Member of Parliament. Ben Jonson mentions the fart in his Epigram 133.

Note: The lines “I (quoth another) it once soe chanced / That a great Man farted as hee danced” alludes to Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford, who had the misfortune of farting in front of Queen Elizabeth I.

This is a short quotation from John Aubrey’s Brief Lives:

This Earle of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to Travell, 7 yeares. On his returne the Queen welcomed him home, and sayd, My Lord, I had forgott the Fart.

Source: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/John_Aubrey

Succubae versus Succubi (Act 2, Scene 2)

Late Latin succuba means “paramour,” “whore,” or “strumpet.” The plural is succubae. By 1587 (Oxford English Dictionary), it had come to mean “demon in female form.”

Latin succubus means “demon in female form.” The plural is succubi.

Sir Epicure Mammon’s succubae may be whores with demonic overtones; however, it is likely that Sir Epicure Mammon would enjoy sleeping with female demons.

An incubus is a male demon who has sex with sleeping women. Succuba may have become succubus in imitation of incubus.

Begetting Life from Carcasses (Act 2, Scene 3)

The below is an excerpt from this source:

“The Creation of Life in Cultural Context: From Spontaneous Generation to Synthetic Biology”

Joachim Schummer
Department of Philosophy, University of Darmstadt; Germany

js@hyle.org 

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/6781/c3bd07a155c7c252b874e5fc720f9b85601f.pdf

In contrast to Aristotle, late antique and early medieval authorities (such as Virgil, Ovid, Pliny, and Isidor of Sevilla), rather than performing their own investigations, collected the available folk knowledge and myths to build a growing standard set of views on how to make living beings. Such sets typically recommended the carcasses of cows for creating the useful bees, an art called bougonia that greatly flourished, whereas those of horses and donkeys were only able to produce wasps and beetles, respectively. Late medieval Christian authorities, such as Albertus Magnus and Thomas Aquinas, basically repeated the received views but emphasized the importance of astrological influence. When some Renaissance authors tried to incorporate folk myths about goose and lambs growing on trees, criticism arose, but views on the spontaneous generation of simple animals and plants remained, with few exceptions (see Section 4), largely intact through the 18th century. Francis Bacon, in his utopia New Atlantis (1628), even devised an entire research program. Starting from freshly made simple organisms, higher species should be bred that perfectly meet human needs. 

Bougonia is also known as bugonia. Bugonia gets many more hits on computer searches.

Wikipedia’s article on “Bugonia” states this:

In the ancient Mediterranean region, bugonia or bougonia was a ritual based on the belief that bees werespontaneously (equivocally) generated from a cow‘s carcass, although it is possible that the ritual had more currency as a poetic and learned trope than as an actual practice.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bugonia

Part of Book 4 of Virgil’s Georgics is about the autogenesis of bees in a carcass of a bull prepared by human beings for this purpose. John Dryden translated the below lines:

First, in a place, by Nature closs, they build

A narrow Flooring, gutter’d, wall’d, and til’d.

In this, four Windows are contriv’d, that strike

To the four Winds oppos’d, their Beams oblique. (420)

A Steer of two Years old they take, whose Head

Now first with burnish’d Horns begins to spread:

They stop his Nostrils, while he strives in vain

To breath free Air, and struggles with his Pain.

Knock’d down, he dyes: his Bowels bruis’d within, (425)

Betray no Wound on his unbroken Skin.

Extended thus, in this obscene Abode,

They leave the Beast; but first sweet Flow’rs are strow’d

Beneath his Body, broken Boughs and Thyme,

And pleasing Cassia just renew’d in prime. (430)

This must be done, e’re Spring makes equal Day,

When Western Winds on curling Waters play:

E’re painted Meads produce their Flow’ry Crops,

Or Swallows twitter on the Chimney Tops.

The tainted Blood, in this close Prison pent, (435)

Begins to boyl and through the Bones ferment.

Then, wondrous to behold, new Creatures rise,

A moving Mass at first, and short of Thighs;

‘Till shooting out with Legs, and imp’d with Wings,

The Grubs proceed to Bees with pointed Stings: (440)

And more and more affecting Air, they try

Their tender Pinions, and begin to fly:

At length, like Summer Storms from spreading Clouds,

That burst at once, and pour impetuous Floods;

Or Flights of Arrows from the Parthian Bows, (445)

When from afar they gaul embattel’d Foes;

With such a Tempest thro’ the Skies they Steer;

And such a form the winged Squadrons bear.

What God, O Muse! this useful Science taught?

Or by what Man’s Experience was it brought? (450)

A Note on Ananias (Act 2, Scene 5)

Ananias appears in Acts 5:1-10; he is a man who withholds money that belonged to the community.

Acts 5:1-10 — King James Version (KJV)

1 But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession,

2 And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles’ feet.

3 But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land?

4 Whiles it remained, was it not thine own? and after it was sold, was it not in thine own power? why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God.

5 And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things.

6 And the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and buried him.

7 And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in.

8 And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much.

9 Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out.

10 Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband.

A different, better Ananias — a man who baptized Saul of Tarsus, who became Saint Paul — appears in Acts 9:10-18:

Acts 9:10-18 — King James Version (KJV)

10 And there was a certain disciple at Damascus, named Ananias; and to him said the Lord in a vision, Ananias. And he said, Behold, I am here, Lord.

11 And the Lord said unto him, Arise, and go into the street which is called Straight, and enquire in the house of Judas for one called Saul, of Tarsus: for, behold, he prayeth,

12 And hath seen in a vision a man named Ananias coming in, and putting his hand on him, that he might receive his sight.

13 Then Ananias answered, Lord, I have heard by many of this man, how much evil he hath done to thy saints at Jerusalem:

14 And here he hath authority from the chief priests to bind all that call on thy name.

15 But the Lord said unto him, Go thy way: for he is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Gentiles, and kings, and the children of Israel:

16 For I will shew him how great things he must suffer for my name’s sake.

17 And Ananias went his way, and entered into the house; and putting his hands on him said, Brother Saul, the Lord, even Jesus, that appeared unto thee in the way as thou camest, hath sent me, that thou mightest receive thy sight, and be filled with the Holy Ghost.

18 And immediately there fell from his eyes as it had been scales: and he received sight forthwith, and arose, and was baptized.

The Ananias of this play is perhaps named after the good Ananias of Acts 9:10-18, but Subtle pretends to believe that he was named after the bad Ananias of Acts 5:1-10.

Rebus (Act 2, Scene 6)

A rebus is a cryptic representation of a name, word, phrase, or even sentence, using pictures and letters. Subtle creates a rebus for Abel Drugger in Act 2, Scene 6. 

In his memoir of W. Camden, Thomas Moule wrote this:

Did not that amorous youth mystically express his love to Rose Hill, whom he courted, when in the border of his painted cloth, be caused to be painted, as rudely as he devised grossly, a Rose, an Hill, an Eye, a Loaf, and a Well? That is, if you will spell it:

“Rose Hill I love well.”

I can’t say I understand the use of the picture of a loaf. It seems to me that the sentence should be this:

“Rose Hill I bred well.”

Or, if the picture of the loaf is supposed to represent a word that sounds like “loaf,” it seems to me that the sentence should be this:

“Rose Hill I loath well.”

“Loaf” as a verb means “to form a loaf” (the Oxford English Dictionary has a citation from 1578). Perhaps the sentence should be this:

“Rose Hill I put a bun in her oven well.”

But “loaf” as “love” may be correct. Today’s online Urban Dictionary has an entry for “I loaf you,” which it defines in this way:

meaning “I love you” but in a friendly yet mocking way. Noting [Nothing?] about love and relationship. All about nonsense and real friendship.

Source:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=I%20loaf%20you

By the way, a footnote tells this joke:

This reminds us of a Down-South in the days of our grandfathers, who replied to an offer of marriage with a stroke produced by the end of a burnt stick and a lock of wool pinned to the paper, “I wull!” [“I wool!” aka “I will!”]

Source: 

http://tinyurl.com/ycn5x58a

 

Urine and Love Potion (Act 2, Scene 6)

Captain Face knows a witch who can make a love potion from a glass of Drugger’s water, aka urine.

As shown in William Shakespeare’s Macbeth, disgusting ingredients are used in magic.

Here is an example of a love potion, one of whose ingredients is urine from the woman the man wishes would love him:

“When a young man is trying to wiu the love of a reluctant girl he consults the medicine-man, who then tries to find some of the urine and saliva which the girl has voided, as well as the sand upon which it has fallen. He mixes these with a few twigs of certain woods, and places them in a gourd, and gives them to the young man, who takes them home, and adds a portion of tobacco. In about an hour he takes out the tobacco and gives it to the girl to smoke; this effects a complete transformation in her feelings.” — (“Conversation with Muhongo,” an African boy from Angola, translated by Rev. Mr. Chatelain.)

Source: SCATALOGIC RITES OF ALL NATIONS. A Dissertation upon the Employment of Excrementitious Remedial Agents in Religion, Therapeutics, Divination, Witchcraft, Love-Philters, etc., in all Parts of the Globe, Based upon Original Notes and Personal Observation, and upon Compilation from over One Thousand Authorities. BY CAPTAIN JOHN G. BOURKE, Third Cavalry, U. S. A. NOT FOR GENERAL PERUSAL. WASHINGTON, D.C. W. H. LOWDERMILK & CO. 1891. 

https://collections.nlm.nih.gov/ocr/nlm:nlmuid-101486300-bk

Quarrels (Act 2, Scene 6)

In William Shakespeare’s As You Like It, Touchstone, a Professional Fool, aka Jester, explained the rules for quarreling. This is a retelling of that conversation in modern English:

“Let me explain, sir. I disliked the cut of a certain courtier’s beard. He sent me word that if I said his beard was not cut well, he was of the opinion that it was cut well. This is called the Retort Courteous.

“If I sent him word again that it was not well cut, he would send me word that he cut it to please himself. This is called the Quip Modest. 

“If I sent him word again that it was not well cut, he would send me word that he did not value my judgment. This is called the Reply Churlish. 

“If I sent him word again that it was not well cut, he would answer that I did not speak the truth. This is called the Reproof Valiant. 

“If I sent him word again that it was not well cut, he would say that I lied. This is called the Counter-cheque Quarrelsome.

“The two that are left are the Lie Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.”

“How often did you say that his beard was not well cut?” Jaques asked.

“I dared go no further than the Lie Circumstantial, and he dared not give me the Lie Direct, and so we measured swords, said that they were uneven in length and therefore fighting a duel would not be fair combat, and we parted.”

The above is an excerpt from my book William Shakespeare’s As You Like It: A Retelling in Prose.

Pillory and Ears Cut Off (Act 3, scene 2)

The below is a quotation from an article titled “Anglicans and Puritans”:

When James died in 1625 he was replaced by his son Charles I. The Puritans became very angry when Charles married Henrietta Maria, a Catholic Princess. They also became worried when Catholic lords began to be given important posts in Charles’ court.

In 1633 Charles appointed William Laud as Archbishop of Canterbury. Laud soon began to introduce changes. For example, he ordered that the wooden communion table should be replaced by a stone altar. This area was also separated from the congregation by wooden railings. He also insisted that ministers should display candles and ornaments.

The Puritans claimed that Laud was trying to make English churches look like those in Catholic countries. When Puritans complained about these reforms. Laud had them arrested. In 1637 John Bastwick, Henry Burton and William Prynne had their ears cut off for writing pamphlets attacking Laud’s views.

Source:

http://spartacus-educational.com/TUDanglicans.htm

John Bastwick, Henry Burton and William Prynne were all Puritans.

The quote below is from the Wikipedia article on Alexander Leighton:

Leighton published his controversial pamphlet Zion’s plea against Prelacy: An Appeal to Parliament in 1628 in Holland. In this publication, he criticised the church, and in particular the Bishops who then ruled the Church of Scotland, condemning them as “antiChristian and satanic”. He was sentenced by Archbishop William Laud’s High Commission Court to public whipping, to having the letters ‘SS’ branded on him (for ‘Sower of Sedition’), and having his ears cut off. Medical records say that, “since he had been censured by the Star Chamber on religious grounds (& had had his ears cropped)”, that he should now be ‘infamis’ in his profession, and he was permanently banned from further practice. John Taylor Brown, writing in Encyclopædia Britannica, expressed the opinion that Leighton’s persecution and punishment “form one of the most disgraceful incidents of the reign of King Charles I”.

Once the warrant for his arrest was issued by the High Commission Court, Leighton was taken to William Laud’s house and then to Newgate prison without any trial. He was put in irons in solitary confinement in an unheated and uncovered cell for fifteen weeks, in which the rain and snow could beat in upon him. None of his friends nor even his wife were permitted to see him during this time. According to four doctors, Leighton was so sick that he was unable to attend his supposed sentencing. Durant notes that Leighton also “was tied to a stake and received thirty-six stripes with a heavy cord upon his naked back; he was placed in the pillory for two hours in November’s frost and snow; he was branded in the face, had his nose split and his ears cut off, and was condemned to life imprisonment”. He was only released from jail when his son Robert was ordained as a Minister at Newbattle.

In the end, the Star Chamber’s sentence was not carried out in full. The Long Parliament released him from prison in 1640, when they cancelled his fine, and paid him 6000 pounds for his suffering. In 1642, Leighton was appointed Keeper of Lambeth House, which had been converted into a prison.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Leighton

“and be admired for’t” (Act 3, Scene 4)

Check out this article:

David Accomazzo, “11 Rock Stars Who Allegedly Slept With Underage Girls.” Phoenix New Times. 3 February 2016

http://tinyurl.com/ya6365t4

Queen of the Fairies Con (Act 3, Scene 5)

Such cons as this really did happen in the time of Ben Jonson.

In 1595, Judith Philips, known as the Bankside cunning-woman, was whipped because she conned people into paying her money to meet the Queen of Fairy.

In 1609, Thomas Rogers, who believed that he was engaged to marry the Queen of Fairy, sued the conmen Sir Anthony Ashley and his brother in Chancery.

In 1613 (The Alchemist was first performed in 1610), Alice and John West were convicted of posing as the Queen and King of Fairy in order to get money from suckers who wanted fairy gold.

Subtle’s Knowledge (Act 4, Scene 2)

In this act and scene, Subtle shows a great knowledge of quarreling, palmistry, phrenology, and fortune telling. Of course, throughout The Alchemist, he shows a great knowledge of alchemy. 

Jonson scholar F.H. Mares writes, “Subtle’s palmistry, like his alchemy, is learned and can be documented. Jonson does not invent what he ridicules” (134).

Jonson, Ben. The Alchemist. Ed. F.H. Mares. Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press, 1867.

“He owes this honest Drugger here, seven pound, He has had on him, in two-penny’orths of tobacco.” (Act 4, Scene 7)

Christopher M. Burlinson wrote this in “Ben Jonson’s Money”:

[…] coins of higher denomination are worth considerable sums in modern money: an angel would be the equivalent of several hundred early twenty-first-century pounds, and every pound mentioned by Jonson would be worth thousands of pounds. Other indexes of purchasing power (see ‘How Much is that Worth Today?’ website), though, suggest that a pound from c. 1600 is worth closer to a hundred pounds from c. 2000. The truth may be not just that the difficulty of comparing costs of living and ways of life over hundreds of years will always make these comparisons rather arbitrary, but that many of the sums mentioned in Jonson’s plays are so large that it is their very magnitude, rather than their exact value, that we are meant to appreciate.

Source: Christopher M. Burlinson, “Ben Jonson’s Money.” The Cambridge Edition of the Works of Ben Jonson Online. 

http://tinyurl.com/yb9lnhxe

Accessed 8 June 2017

Green Sickness (Act 4, Scene 6)

According to this anonymous folk song, a cure for the green sickness is sex.

A REMEDY FOR THE GREEN SICKNESS

 

I

 

A handsome buxom lass lay panting on her bed,       

She looked as green as grass, and mournfully she said:         

Except I have some lusty lad to ease me of my pain,

I cannot live, I sigh and grieve,          

My life I now disdain.

 

But if some bonny lad would be so kind to me,         

Before I am quite mad, to end my misery,     

And cool these burning flames of fire            

Which rage in this my breast,

Then I should be from torments free and be forever blest.    

            

I am both young and fair, yet ’tis my fortune hard,   

I’m ready to despair, my pleasures are debarred:       

And I, poor soul, cannot enjoy nor taste of lover’s bliss,       

Whilst others meet, those joys so sweet,        

Oh! what a life is this.

            

Were but my passion known, sure some would pity me,       

That lie so long alone, for want of company.

Had I some young man in my arms    

That would be brisk and brave,          

My pains would end,  

He’d prove my friend,

And keep me from my grave.

            

From this tormenting pain I cannot long endure,       

My hopes are all in vain if I expect a cure,    

Without some thund’ring lad comes in          

And with a courage bold,       

Grant me delight,        

I’d him requite,           

With silver and with gold.      

            

II

 

A gallant lively lad that in the next room lay,            

It made his heart full glad to hear what she did say.  

Into the room immediately this youngster he did rush,          

Some words he spoke,            

Love to provoke,         

But she straight cried out, Hush!

            

My father he will hear and then we’re both undone,

Quoth he, love do not fear, I’ll venture for a son.      

The coverlet he then threw off and jumped into the bed,       

And in a trice,

He kissed her twice,    

Then to his chamber fled.       

            

And blushing all alone this damsel sweating lay,      

Her troubles they were gone, thus softly did she say:            

Had I but known that lover’s bliss      

Had been so sweet a taste,

I’d ne’er have stayed,

Nor begged nor prayed,          

That so much time did waste.

            

This lusty youthful boy, that banished all my pain,   

I must his love enjoy ere it be long again.      

For gold and silver I’ll not spare        

Can that his courage prove,    

He has an art, without all smart,         

Green sickness to remove.      

            

A sigh she gave and said, Oh! come again to me,      

For I am half afraid I shall not cured be         

At this first bout, then prithee try       

To help me once again;          

Count me not bold, I’ll give thee gold

Enough for all thy pain.

 

Source: Bagford Ballads (Anonymous. 1682; from Part III).

 

http://www.bartleby.com/334/708.html

Birds in Seventy-Seven (Act 4, Scene 7)

For more information, read this article:

“The ‘Vncleane Birds, in Seuenty-Seuen’: The Alchemist”

Author(s): Malcolm H. South

Source: Studies in English Literature, 1500-1900, Vol. 13, No. 2, Elizabethan and Jacobean Drama (Spring, 1973), pp. 331-343

Published by: Rice University

Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/449743

Accessed: 08-06-2017 18:46 UTC 

 

APPENDIX B: FAIR USE

§ 107. Limitations on exclusive rights: Fair use

Release date: 2004-04-30

Notwithstanding the provisions of sections 106 and 106A, the fair use of a copyrighted work, including such use by reproduction in copies or phonorecords or by any other means specified by that section, for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching (including multiple copies for classroom use), scholarship, or research, is not an infringement of copyright. In determining whether the use made of a work in any particular case is a fair use the factors to be considered shall include — 

(1) the purpose and character of the use, including whether such use is of a commercial nature or is for nonprofit educational purposes; 

(2) the nature of the copyrighted work; 

(3) the amount and substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole; and 

(4) the effect of the use upon the potential market for or value of the copyrighted work. 

The fact that a work is unpublished shall not itself bar a finding of fair use if such finding is made upon consideration of all the above factors.

Source of Fair Use information: <http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.html>.

 

APPENDIX C: ABOUT THE AUTHOR

It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly a cry rang out, and on a hot summer night in 1954, Josephine, wife of Carl Bruce, gave birth to a boy — me. Unfortunately, this young married couple allowed Reuben Saturday, Josephine’s brother, to name their first-born. Reuben, aka “The Joker,” decided that Bruce was a nice name, so he decided to name me Bruce Bruce. I have gone by my middle name — David — ever since.

Being named Bruce David Bruce hasn’t been all bad. Bank tellers remember me very quickly, so I don’t often have to show an ID. It can be fun in charades, also. When I was a counselor as a teenager at Camp Echoing Hills in Warsaw, Ohio, a fellow counselor gave the signs for “sounds like” and “two words,” then she pointed to a bruise on her leg twice. Bruise Bruise? Oh yeah, Bruce Bruce is the answer!

Uncle Reuben, by the way, gave me a haircut when I was in kindergarten. He cut my hair short and shaved a small bald spot on the back of my head. My mother wouldn’t let me go to school until the bald spot grew out again.

Of all my brothers and sisters (six in all), I am the only transplant to Athens, Ohio. I was born in Newark, Ohio, and have lived all around Southeastern Ohio. However, I moved to Athens to go to Ohio University and have never left. 

At Ohio U, I never could make up my mind whether to major in English or Philosophy, so I got a bachelor’s degree with a double major in both areas, then I added a Master of Arts degree in English and a Master of Arts degree in Philosophy. Yes, I have my MAMA degree.

Currently, and for a long time to come (I eat fruits and veggies), I am spending my retirement writing books such as Nadia Comaneci: Perfect 10, The Funniest People in Dance, Homer’s Iliad: A Retelling in Prose, and William Shakespeare's Othello: A Retelling in Prose.

By the way, my sister Brenda Kennedy writes romances such as A New Beginning and Shattered Dreams. 

Ben Jonson's THE ALCHEMIST: A Retelling (Free PDF)

SOME BOOKS BY DAVID BRUCE

(Lots of FREE PDFs)

RETELLINGS OF A CLASSIC WORK OF LITERATURE

Ben Jonson’s The Alchemist: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/731768

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ZEHJnB1_5RpznJDgrdO9Fzkz0R5nqF6n/view?usp=sharing

Ben Jonson’s The Arraignment, or Poetaster: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1144681

https://anecdotesandmusic.wordpress.com/2022/05/02/david-bruce-ben-jonsons-the-arraignment-or-poetaster-a-retelling-free-pdf/

Ben Jonson’s Bartholomew Fair: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/759774

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIoalHNdD99q9jKmXO3kVvh8ydxB4to8/view?usp=sharing

Ben Jonson’s The Case is Altered: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1112743

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WHn6mnGPDbZlTus6A644w0TCg_QoNDE4/view?usp=sharing

Ben Jonson’s Catiline’s Conspiracy: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1098400

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uQOLh10ExHMrx9z-P-5qUxaHc2CQTD0x/view?usp=sharing

Ben Jonson’s The Devil is an Ass: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/953165

https://drive.google.com/file/d/17vGtkBruVyQ09aeFtVStum9NCixZtfN1/view?usp=sharing

Ben Jonson’s Epicene: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1073045

Ben Jonson’s Every Man in His Humor: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1104946

Ben Jonson’s Every Man Out of His Humor: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1121591

Ben Jonson’s The Fountain of Self-Love, or Cynthia’s Revels: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1129496

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-fdVc1npRztXd35ghACIA5SMMo060w8b/view?usp=sharing

Ben Jonson’s The New Inn: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1081049

Ben Jonson’s The Staple of News: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1088627

Ben Jonson’s Volpone, or the Fox: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/745087

Christopher Marlowe’s Complete Plays: Retellings

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/911460

Christopher Marlowe’s Dido, Queen of Carthage: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/871108

Christopher Marlowe’s Doctor Faustus: Retellings of the 1604 A-Text and of the 1616 B-Text

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/824058

Christopher Marlowe’s Edward II: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/904128

Christopher Marlowe’s The Massacre at Paris: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/880308

Christopher Marlowe’s The Rich Jew of Malta: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/909794

Christopher Marlowe’s Tamburlaine, Parts 1 and 2: Retellings

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/890081

Dante’s Divine Comedy: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/238180

https://drive.google.com/file/d/16MC3INNAzLtjT4TqGtUmxBKYmp6Lnc5k/view?usp=sharing

Dante’s Inferno: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/89244

Dante’s Purgatory: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210951

Dante’s Paradise: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/238110

The Famous Victories of Henry V: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/781086

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yj-AAS0oRbapdSeAw33gg6k2il78N7Yu/view?usp=sharing

From the Iliad to the Odyssey: A Retelling in Prose of Quintus of Smyrna’s Posthomerica

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/287203

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1hRMimR9VchgFI7q5nBKmE6udiotCzq7c/view?usp=sharing

George Peele’s The Arraignment of Paris: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/942964

George Peele’s The Battle of Alcazar: A Retelling 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1006013

George’s Peele’s David and Bathsheba, and the Tragedy of Absalom: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/993326

George’s Peele’s Edward I: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1061540

George Peele’s The Old Wives’ Tale: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/918341

George-A-Greene, The Pinner of Wakefield: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1108197

https://drive.google.com/file/d/18MYbD9wENgFqSMC_s-PijXsorVQguFWx/view?usp=sharing

The History of King Leir: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/800724

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1MdkCVAtxuWZrgkCNMwrJ2uDLNDwjnFBk/view?usp=sharing

Homer’s Iliad: A Retelling in Prose

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/264676

https://drive.google.com/file/d/18tiAjtd5a6Qil0FHIss2UpCEacizaij3/view?usp=sharing

Homer’s Odyssey: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/87553

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rn5b3A6TFJngdZ_DC0daL9jZBToiSy-P/view?usp=sharing

Jason and the Argonauts: A Retelling in Prose of Apollonius of Rhodes’ Argonautica

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/337653  

https://drive.google.com/file/d/11fFWYrzu_YBK_Zb8aYQkYDvj5tDjSYPw/view?usp=sharing

The Jests of George Peele: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1064210

John Ford: Eight Plays Translated into Modern English

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/989979

John Ford’s The Broken Heart: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/792090

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PVkKm5BxBYE8uUY9IzcjdEQZ5ipGmxlm/view?usp=sharing

John Ford’s The Fancies, Chaste and Noble: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/989291

https://drive.google.com/file/d/19JQQmLv_b3Oy3N3yhRpQM0b5ymAFh_zy/view?usp=sharing

John Ford’s The Lady’s Trial: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/985699

https://drive.google.com/file/d/16F0PoPepXJJAX2RBn2lVK1Apvp6gwO9g/view?usp=sharing

John Ford’s The Lover’s Melancholy: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/946285

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DTu7EkdqS8PEuljstF4KMnW9d3S5CiXc/view?usp=sharing

John Ford’s Love’s Sacrifice: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/925020

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1aE9jUQfe3e4acoJ63kIaqY57Mi9hrJja/view?usp=sharing

John Ford’s Perkin Warbeck: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/937190

https://drive.google.com/file/d/14GOL5rPf6lcYb-e7ml9_BDzcFufbPjo1/view?usp=sharing

John Ford’s The Queen: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/930049

https://drive.google.com/file/d/14GOL5rPf6lcYb-e7ml9_BDzcFufbPjo1/view?usp=sharing

John Ford’s ’Tis Pity She’s a Whore: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/771031

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1V9aUtdKeYWY6DRoVimK-Vq6J8a6DL9JN/view?usp=sharing

John Webster’s The White Devil: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1000808

https://drive.google.com/file/d/19zCtHbfGVamswILTd8MUDWC1pabCUEs8/view?usp=sharing

King Edward III: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/814530

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_gqk9Es--Qvi8EjqY_4OztVsCiVJcQ0j/view?usp=sharing

The Merry Devil of Edmonton: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/957047

Robert Greene’s Friar Bacon and Friar Bungay: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/915455

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bX1a4cbdne38rgJ2sy4A4_8SIQ_ljnCW/view?usp=sharing

The Taming of a Shrew: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1052341

https://drive.google.com/file/d/10FsrQNk4Z1TAbiW_5VCD303VnEZqR6tP/view?usp=sharing

Tarlton’s Jests: A Retelling

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/772884

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1QcGqnBsSPsRdPwctADo6DytHqZSyDMkG/view?usp=sharing

The Trojan War and Its Aftermath: Four Ancient Epic Poems

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/486330

Virgil’s Aeneid: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/277646

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yl8jYM0EJwB99WnoNlZRQEIms6UJIpFW/view?usp=sharing

William Shakespeare’s 5 Late Romances: Retellings in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/724666

William Shakespeare’s 10 Histories: Retellings in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/776868

William Shakespeare’s 11 Tragedies: Retellings in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/776890

William Shakespeare’s 12 Comedies: Retellings in Prose

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/715562

William Shakespeare’s 38 Plays: Retellings in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/777062

William Shakespeare’s 1 Henry IV, aka Henry IV, Part 1: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/396839

William Shakespeare’s 2 Henry IV, aka Henry IV, Part 2: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/502075

William Shakespeare’s 1 Henry VI, aka Henry VI, Part 1: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/675826

William Shakespeare’s 2 Henry VI, aka Henry VI, Part 2: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/687115

William Shakespeare’s 3 Henry VI, aka Henry VI, Part 3: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/694202

William Shakespeare’s All’s Well that Ends Well: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/660279

William Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/561440

William Shakespeare’s As You Like It: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/411180

William Shakespeare’s The Comedy of Errors: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/474177

William Shakespeare’s Coriolanus: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/651995

William Shakespeare’s Cymbeline: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/607757

William Shakespeare’s Hamlet: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/521558

William Shakespeare’s Henry V: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/494583

William Shakespeare’s Henry VIII: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/702433

William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/417297

William Shakespeare’s King John: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/667943

William Shakespeare’s King Lear: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/549148

William Shakespeare’s Love’s Labor’s Lost: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/640495

William Shakespeare’s Macbeth: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/371976

William Shakespeare’s Measure for Measure: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/530136

William Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/485384

William Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/510046

William Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/389517

William Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/432053

William Shakespeare’s Othello: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/469501

William Shakespeare’s Pericles, Prince of Tyre: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/588726

William Shakespeare’s Richard II: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/633694

William Shakespeare’s Richard III: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/598141

William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/385811

William Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/424622

William Shakespeare’s The Tempest: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/437521

William Shakespeare’s Timon of Athens: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/626171

William Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/569421

William Shakespeare’s Troilus and Cressida: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/617533

William Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/404123

William Shakespeare’s The Two Gentlemen of Verona: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/575743

William Shakespeare’s The Two Noble Kinsmen: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/712849

William Shakespeare’s The Winter’s Tale: A Retelling in Prose 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/539561

OTHER FICTION

Candide’s Two Girlfriends (Adult)

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/247531

The Erotic Adventures of Candide (Adult)

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/249299

Honey Badger Goes to Hell — and Heaven

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/306009

I Want to Die — Or Fight Back

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/83479  

“School Legend: A Short Story”

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1123252

“Why I Support Same-Sex Civil Marriage”

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/34568

CHILDREN’S BIOGRAPHY

Nadia Comaneci: Perfect Ten

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/96982

PERSONAL FINANCE

How to Manage Your Money: A Guide for the Non-Rich

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/469305

ANECDOTE COLLECTIONS

250 Anecdotes About Opera

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/310277

250 Anecdotes About Religion

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/106782

250 Anecdotes About Religion: Volume 2

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/106861

250 Music Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/427367

Be a Work of Art: 250 Anecdotes and Stories

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/105419

Boredom is Anti-Life: 250 Anecdotes and Stories

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/156495

The Coolest People in Art: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/97814

The Coolest People in the Arts: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/159914

The Coolest People in Books: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/98030

The Coolest People in Comedy: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/98364

Create, Then Take a Break: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/254240

Don’t Fear the Reaper: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/98212

The Funniest People in Art: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/99002

The Funniest People in Books: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/99313

The Funniest People in Books, Volume 2: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/105652

The Funniest People in Books, Volume 3: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/105939

The Funniest People in Comedy: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/99159

The Funniest People in Dance: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/98588

The Funniest People in Families: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108542

The Funniest People in Families, Volume 2: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108809

The Funniest People in Families, Volume 3: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108821

The Funniest People in Families, Volume 4: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108830

The Funniest People in Families, Volume 5: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108841

The Funniest People in Families, Volume 6: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108857

The Funniest People in Movies: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/34647

The Funniest People in Music: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/100442

The Funniest People in Music, Volume 2: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/100473

The Funniest People in Music, Volume 3: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/100544

The Funniest People in Neighborhoods: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/106442

The Funniest People in Relationships: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108060

The Funniest People in Sports: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/107239

The Funniest People in Sports, Volume 2: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/107576

The Funniest People in Television and Radio: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/106234

The Funniest People in Theater: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/104257

The Funniest People Who Live Life: 250 Anecdotes 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/107847

The Funniest People Who Live Life, Volume 2: 250 Anecdotes 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108564

The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds, Volume 1: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/34822

https://wordpress.com/page/davidbruceblog4.wordpress.com/4

The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds, Volume 2: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/35011

Maximum Cool: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/97550

The Most Interesting People in Movies: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108582

The Most Interesting People in Politics and History: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108392

The Most Interesting People in Politics and History, Volume 2: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108398

The Most Interesting People in Politics and History, Volume 3: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108422

The Most Interesting People in Religion: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/107097

The Most Interesting People in Sports: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/107857

The Most Interesting People Who Live Life: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108598

The Most Interesting People Who Live Life, Volume 2: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/108801

Reality is Fabulous: 250 Anecdotes and Stories

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/209963

Resist Psychic Death: 250 Anecdotes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/97267

Seize the Day: 250 Anecdotes and Stories

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/96869

PHILOSOPHY FOR THE MASSES

Philosophy for the Masses: Ethics

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/374071

Philosophy for the Masses: Metaphysics and More

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/374629

Philosophy for the Masses: Religion

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/376026

DISCUSSION GUIDE SERIES

Dante’s Inferno: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/342391

Dante’s Paradise: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/345337

Dante’s Purgatory: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/344723

Forrest Carter’s The Education of Little Tree: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/340944

Homer’s Iliad: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/364356

Homer’s Odyssey: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/360552

Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/352848

Jerry Spinelli’s Maniac Magee: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/339978

Jerry Spinelli’s Stargirl: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/340610

Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/352048

Lloyd Alexander’s The Black Cauldron: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/339002

Lloyd Alexander’s The Book of Three: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/339120

Lloyd Alexander’s The Castle of Llyr: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/338589

Lois Lowry’s Number the Stars: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/339720

Mark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/350434

Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Tom Sawyer: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/348104

Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/351719

Mark Twain’s The Prince and the Pauper: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/349030

Nancy Garden’s Annie on My Mind: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/339564

Nicholas Sparks’ A Walk to Remember: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/356224

Virgil, “The Fall of Troy”: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/356868

Virgil’s Aeneid: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/358529

Voltaire’s Candide: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/346971

William Shakespeare’s 1 Henry IV: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/355953

William Shakespeare’s Macbeth: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/354870

William Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/355465

William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/354231

William Sleator’s Oddballs: A Discussion Guide

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/353345

***

GOOD DEEDS SERIES (PLURAL)

The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 1

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1qQ-aJ4kjGQti20c3G2CPm1zile51Yd-5/view?usp=sharing

https://wordpress.com/page/davidbruceblog4.wordpress.com/4

The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 2

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1h1ZaZEixmzjGLHI5_57AwTFuQ02g8lL3/view?usp=sharing

https://wordpress.com/page/davidbruceblog4.wordpress.com/4

The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 3

https://drive.google.com/file/d/12iOTDEzHV6P576LGAijcPQgpt1ogax0R/view?usp=sharing

https://wordpress.com/page/davidbruceblog4.wordpress.com/4

The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 4

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1z0-CAMz-4ulX29CAIHNU16Z912eNqt-v/view?usp=sharing

https://wordpress.com/page/davidbruceblog4.wordpress.com/4

The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 5

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Y7DlPdu-eZwA23gEHPT2YWMT0W5r8eu7/view?usp=sharing

https://wordpress.com/page/davidbruceblog4.wordpress.com/4

The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 6

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1zHZv2iTHQnbVY0n_LihTWXKOvUr4_hyr/view?usp=sharing

https://wordpress.com/page/davidbruceblog4.wordpress.com/4

The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 7

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1FSCTtviio4xrX7e07-OuAgYpxmWlIPuk/view?usp=sharing

https://wordpress.com/page/davidbruceblog4.wordpress.com/4

***

You’ve Got to Be Kind: Volume 1

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1GfiQMNnQ4G0CHGt1AZQQIPODV596k30j/view?usp=sharing

You’ve Got to Be Kind: Volume 2

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OHcETsSaWbIhFPIZWeW0laO6mdHVbcph/view?usp=sharing

You’ve Got to Be Kind: Volume 3

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XZCFlAWhtXPnf35OGlUoh991i05D0Bs0/view?usp=sharing

You’ve Got to Be Kind: Volume 4

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Cj8yIDLmFFG6dGzLpoVE3RrQ3-LhKV0d/view?usp=sharing

You’ve Got to Be Kind: Volume 5

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1LxqLrwm898Chg3mnRY2NiGZA4FkFdOXR/view?usp=sharing

You’ve Got to Be Kind: Volume 6

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PmAxX5C-viQF0GfIpsM7mTtsyQ9lfm8J/view?usp=sharing

You’ve Got to Be Kind: Volume 7

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Bq_SmSf4rsWdtqA7p0kN9tJ5ip3gqEht/view?usp=sharing

***

The Kindest People: Be Excellent to Each Other (Volume 1)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1FqbObI95XKwIr1QWn0lBFDSNsIENTR9B/view?usp=sharing

The Kindest People: Be Excellent to Each Other (Volume 2)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1QWF5bRarJBauD7Qdb-_99K9UuQBL_fZ7/view?usp=sharing

The Kindest People: Be Excellent to Each Other (Volume 3)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1gUUA4ms-CX7BvVlOaNmpYswPN-eBfKIa/view?usp=sharing

The Kindest People: Be Excellent to Each Other (Volume 4)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1BXLhqmY1qOEaF4u5IMRpSCm7H6jy2mj_/view?usp=sharing

The Kindest People: Be Excellent to Each Other (Volume 5)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Pks6XXM4T-r_r4cBBSmUIlP0jARS8i-0/view?usp=sharing

The Kindest People: Be Excellent to Each Other (Volume 6)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ohXsEp79jwf8OdlIXI7I3nPIotjX5wWb/view?usp=sharing

The Kindest People: Be Excellent to Each Other (Volume 7)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_orz__RY0T3A-kpa7fpbS8koDwp0I91p/view?usp=sharing

***

The Kindest People: Heroes and Good Samaritans (Volume 1)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/13X4KOLTIvPVwSBo1ijX0aJABB8wbgZyT/view?usp=sharing

The Kindest People: Heroes and Good Samaritans (Volume 2)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1wbRuc4G0EdFeM4UVWk6LwbxDKkF19T2s/view?usp=sharing

The Kindest People: Heroes and Good Samaritans (Volume 3)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ksyO9KnAJ6yGpK5CNMY12Ry9HTQ9vxm1/view?usp=sharing

The Kindest People: Heroes and Good Samaritans (Volume 4)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1NuAM7qAb_XLRGHxUTMLrm2PhOfjU7Fk8/view?usp=sharing

The Kindest People: Heroes and Good Samaritans (Volume 5)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1T5HB-AwL4S61aj4lLK3K5Q0ulgQbarR7/view?usp=sharing

The Kindest People: Heroes and Good Samaritans (Volume 6)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PYx6MyYI9YY_RKCv3nUZnENwv0jIxfRn/view?usp=sharing

The Kindest People: Heroes and Good Samaritans (Volume 7)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1I8aphNRXnok_slWALv8s8TjJ344sZVml/view?usp=sharing

***

COMPOSITION PROJECTS

Composition Project: Writing an Autobiographical Essay

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1138445

Composition Project: Writing a Hero-of-Human-Rights Essay

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/481598

Composition Project: Writing a Problem-Solving Letter

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1138745

TEACHING

How to Teach the Autobiographical Essay Composition Project in 9 Classes

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/487660

***

IT’S A WONDERFUL WORLD SERIES (Stories and Anecdotes and Opinions)

It’s a Wonderful World: Volumes 1-7

https://wordpress.com/page/davidbruceblog429065578.wordpress.com/690

***

THE RELATIONSHIP BOOKS SERIES

The Relationship Books (Volume 1-8)

https://wordpress.com/page/davidbruceblog429065578.wordpress.com/674

BE KIND AND BE USEFUL SERIES (Stories and Anecdotes and Opinions)

Be Kind and Be Useful: Volumes 1-4)

https://wordpress.com/page/davidbruceblog429065578.wordpress.com/686

***

BRUCE’S MUSIC RECOMMENDATIONS SERIES

Bruce’s Music Recommendations: Volumes 1-8

https://anecdotesandmusic.wordpress.com/2022/04/26/bruces-music-recommendations-free-pdfs/

***

davidbruceblog #1

http://davidbruceblog.wordpress.com/

davidbruceblog #2

https://davidbrucemusic.wordpress.com

davidbruceblog #3

https://cosplayvideos.wordpress.com

davidbruceblog #4

https://davidbruceblog4.wordpress.com

David Bruce Books: Free PDFs

davidbrucebooks: EDUCATE YOURSELF

https://davidbruceblog429065578.wordpress.com

Anecdotes, Arts, Books, and Music

https://anecdotesandmusic.wordpress.com

George Peele: English Dramatist

https://georgepeeleenglishdramatist.wordpress.com

David Bruce’s Books at Blogspot

https://davidbrucebooks.blogspot.com

David Bruce’s Books at WIX

https://bruceb22.wixsite.com/website/blog

David Bruce’s Books at Smashwords

http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/bruceb

David Bruce’s Books at Apple Books

https://itunes.apple.com/ie/artist/david-bruce/id81470634

David Bruce’s Books at Kobo 

https://www.kobo.com/us/en/search?query=david%20bruce&fcsearchfield=Author

David Bruce’s Books at Barnes and Noble

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/%22David%20Bruce%22;jsessionid=D4DEC0519518F94804E91EDDBB9A431F.prodny_store02-atgap06?Ntk=P_key_Contributor_List&Ns=P_Sales_Rank&Ntx=mode+matchall